Malcolm Gladwell - Smart MoFo

What is there to not like about Malcolm Gladwell -a braniac with a suave haircut?

Now he's started up his own blog (copycat!!) and it has some neat stuff. Of particular interest is one of the most intelligent, intricate arguments about the US vs. Canadian health care systems AND a ballsy mea culpa from Gladwell for sticking up for them damn Americans.

It's not often you see a public figure of any kind recant something like that - it's a bit long but it really is a good read.

Paul might be losing it

I love Paul McCartney - I do.
He's a bona fide genius and he really isn't any quirkier than John was. Lately, however, I'm starting to worry.

Firstly there was last month's Grammy tragedy.One of the true greats of modern music debased himself by strolling on stage - in a white suit no less, to jam out "Yesterday" with the likes of Jay-Z and (gulp) Linkin Park.

Now he's threatening to personally climb onto ice floes to stop the seal hunt in northern Canada.
Please don't, Paul.

Spam of the Day

Just getting back into gear here....

I got a whole pile of Viagara ads with amusing names and/or subjects.
A chart is probably easiest.


SENDER SUBJECT
Nissa Lengyel Goluptious News
Ryota Castiglione sparr y news
Nomusa Krein coastw ise news
Kanri ??????????????
Edie Mcelrath uncr own news
Englebert Calcagni capt ive news
Mechtilde Kincer g urgitation news
Blackman goucheritinerary bitten
Atwood southland debillity decomposable

I also got something cool from KaboomOrangeGlo that promises I'll never have to scrub my toiled bowl again. Not clear if it's a cleaning product or a slave but I'll get back to you.

Art imitating life

First you read some harmless headline about a failed suicide attack on a Saudi oil facility (the attack failed, not the suicide so much) - in particular, the Abqaiq oil facility

Then, of course, the stories about a spike in oil prices follows.

The crazy thing is - I was just reading this book called Sleeping With the Devil. It's basically about how we (well, the USA really) is so dependent on oil that it basically has no choice to prop up the Saudi government despite them being xenophobic, hedonistic, supporters of terrorism etc. The book, plus another (See No Evil) were both written by ex-CIA dude Robert Baer. They essentially form the basis for the film, Syriana.

So, I just finished reading the prologue to the book which is a hypothetical, but possible scenario:
A couple of guys, suicide bombers, quite easily stage an attack on the very vulnerable infrastructure of the Saudi oil industry and, in particular - the Abqaiq oil facility.

The economic impact would basically cripple the planet. A "moderate to severe attack on Abqaiq would slow average production there from 6.8 million barrels a day to roughly a million barrels for the first two months." You can watch as oil rises toward $100 and even $150 a barrel.

Environmentally, 1700ppm of hydrogen sulfide would be released into the atmosphere - that's about 85X acceptable levels in the workplace.

It's a bit weird to read a scary hypothetical and then read it in the news the next day.

Yesterday we dodged that bullet by a few 100 yards. And OPEC made a couple of bucks.

Dirty Oprah

Oprah's having a banner year of glory. First she publically eviscerated James Frey in the process of exhonerating her own sweet self and now she's tackling all the big issues - like sex addiction.

Won't can't help but wonder what kind of publicity Howard Stern might get if he asked a guest "Have you ever had a man ejaculate in your face?" but when Oprah asks, it's fair game.

We can all wait and see if the FCC in the United States fines her or not but I have a feeling she might just be okay, being OPRAH and all. Besides, it's sweeps!

Spidey! Spidey! Spidey!

How long can I go without joining the chorus of Internet folk posting the Spider-Man 3 poster?
Not very long at all.

The exciting part of this -if you are not nerdy enough to know - is that the photo is not black and white. Rather Spidey is wearing his black suite. That's right - the black frickin' suit, y'all.

The Worst Day of the Month - a Live Diary

*NOTE: This post is being regularly updated so it will stay at the top of the page for now. Please don't let this disuade you from reading the Spam of the Day or other exciting features below.*

9 a.m. - It's the calm before the storm. It's nice to show up on The Worst Day of the Month and see that most of the company hasn't arrived on time except for your department.

This is a fine time to finish little threads of work you were supposed to yesterday (But could not for entirely legitimate reasons).

Also, I usually get coffee in the afternoon but today opted for morning. This is because of the way lunch works here (tune in for the scoop a bit later!). For the second month in a row, on the day I bought morning coffee, I spilled it on myself. Only a tiny bit today, really. It's already dried (phew).

9:48 a.m. - Credit where due - this was all Homeboy's idea. He's enjoying it already and nothing's happened yet. Actually, that's not entirely true.
We already have one, "I'm having an absolutely horrible day - and it's only 9:30." (That's from InsanoGrirl who, it should be noted, is actually quite cute and friendly much of the time - it's just a name, after all.)
The cracks are showing even earlier than expected - the emotional desparation accompanying looming disaster that will never come.
But the sun is shining.

10:09 a.m. - In a few minutes I have to split. I have to run to the local Black's to pick up some photos we left there to be developed. We need them for the paper which goes to print tonight.
Yes - this is how things really work in the fast-paced world of Quasi-Journalism.

10:26 a.m. - I am too important a person to be absent from the building (natch). Thank the stars for interns.

10:39 a.m. - In the zone. That nasty leftover work is done. Things are proceeding apace. All is right in the world despite some occasional injections of Manic Energy.

10:51 a.m. - Manic Energy has just blown through. Feisty.
Due to extenuating circumstances I am optimistic that today I will find shelter from the storm. Only time will tell.

10:56 a.m. - the coffee didn't dry quite as well as I thought but since it's brown on brown, you'd have to really be looking. There are also various stains of red (ink?) and blue (ink) on the kakhis today. This is the price you pay for perfection.

The Elfin Princess, on the other hand, is wearing a spangly rhinestone-type number and her hair is all done up. She looks like she should be at the figure skating finals in Torino. (This may be a complement - it's not an insult anyway).

11:03 a.m. - Manic Energy has come and gone again. He has explained that he doesn't like happy compromises since this seems to entail him losing. It may have been meant ironically but it is, in fact, not.

Soon, The Calm Before the Storm will end and we will enter the hours of Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop. But not until after lunch.

11:23 a.m. - We go through the looking glass here with such regularity, life on the flipside gets to be pretty comfortable.

Manic Energy, you see, is building a park. And more power to him. It is incumbent on us, of course, to promote the park which is, I reiterate, a good idea.
So now, despite all the things I have previously implied and laid out about what kind of day this is, Manic Energy is taking my boss (EnviroBoy?) over to the park so we can get a shot of him there. This picture, which will take close to an hour to obtain on the busiest day of the month, will run at an approximate size of 1" x 1.5" (2.5 cm x 4cm for the metrically inclined).

11:35 a.m. - Batten down the hatches! Manic Energy is in full effect. I can say no more.

11:54 a.m. - Word is out - we are getting pizza for lunch. Sometimes it's subs, today it's pizza.
The deal with lunch is that we get a lovely warm lunch brought to us. The catch is that we get lunch because forfeit our right to leave the office for an hour like normal human beings. There aren't guards or anything at the doors - it's more about getting the word done and staying at our desks as much as possible. It's just no FUN is all. (That's why I have to grab coffee in the morning but not why I seem to have to spill it on myself.)

By the way, EnviroBoy and Manic Energy are still here. I don't know why but this I do know - the least likely reason is that sanity has prevailed.

12:15 p.m. - As we round the horn and head into the p.m. hours, the knowledge that the Calm Before the Storm will dissipate becomes palpable. There is a lump - probably in your throat, perhaps in the bottom left of your stomach. It may be pyschological or it may be bile.

12:35 p.m. - Pizza's here. (You might be thinking - his day doesn't sound so bad! But it will be.)

12:39 p.m. The pizza is from a gourmet local spot instead of the usual chain place. Very nice. Credit where it's due.

1:42 p.m. - Make no mistake, several hours of doing NOTHING doesn't lessen this day's status. It still sucks hard. The Head Honcho photo shoot seems to be off for now. Manic Energy has blown town to get a slurpee with a free CD I just got and re-gifted to Fancypants. Oh, well.

1:58 pm. - I TOLD YOU! I told you sanity hadn't prevailed. Had we found a photo of the Stanley Cup (it's a long story) this could have been averted but, no. Manic Energy is driving (and taking photos) of Enviroboy in the park. Off they go. So long Manic Energy! So long Enviroboy! We'll do that whole paper-checking thing a bit later.

2:07 p.m. - "Oh my God, what a fiasco!" That is the quote of the day for now. It comes, of course, from the staff gradually realizing that the ship is rudderless. Amusingly this came after fears were expressed (and then allayed) that people might accidentally get the impression this is a "shoddy operation" due to some botched photos (also a long story).

2:12 p.m. - Fancypants (who is wearing fancy socks today) is showing her first signs of cracking. Spacial-temporal confusion seem to be the initial symptoms.

2:14 p.m. - Now is a good time to clean out that pesky email inbox. In a few hours you'll regret you already did this but...you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.

2:15 p.m. - In a desparate attempt to keep the ship together, Fancypants stammers, "I hope you've done your corrections!" after realizing that some of us are not 100% into our "work."

2:32 p.m. - Funniest moment of the day so far. Boss's Bitch (I call her that out of pity, nothing cruel whatsoever - we are ALL the boss's bitch in our own special way) entered the editorial department trepidatiously. She had a question to ask but didn't want to interrupt since we are SO BUSY!

Busy! Get it? Busy.

Do you ever get the feeling you've surfed the entire Internet (except for porn)?
That happens here every now and then.

2:42 p.m. -
InsanoGirl: "This is an absurd day."
Fancypants: "I agree."

2:45 p.m. - They're back! With slurpees (for some people!)!
Now we can slap our hands together and get down to b-i-z-ness!

2:49 p.m. - Now things are really rolling. We've been hailed to do some preliminary checks!!

2:57 p.m. - Whoo-ee. That's one good looking publication.
I may have eaten too much pizza.

3:19 p.m. - Let the games begin. We operate on a wonderful paging system. If someone wants to see someone, rather than calling them on the phone, they page the entire office. In fact, the PA is hooked up outside so if a smoker is needed inside, they'll know immediately. When the pages start coming on this day, the fun never stops.

We might have a catfight!
Fancypants just got called down the hall and immediately responded with, "Why do she have to call in such a bitchy voice?!"

The game is afoot.

3:26 p.m. - Fancypants is back. And, it's about time - there are finally some crackles of electric tension in the air. This is what it's all about.

3:43 p.m. - The first round of corrections arrive.

It's hard to say what order the pages get checked in (last month employed a fascinating system I can't put here because the graphic capabilities simply do not exist. Anyway, the way things are done I tend to get pages more in the second, even third round. I'm clear for now.

Around 4:00 things get dicey. There is an indeterminate spot between your temples from which a dull ache begins. It's not pain, just physio-mental discomfort. Coffee and Diet Coke don't help. Sleep might but that's hours away. It gives you some idea what it must be like to be an NHL player at the end of the playoffs, finding the energy to take the Stanley Cup - except that no such prize awaits at the end here.

Oh, and we're still looking for a Stanley Cup photo, by the way, if you have one...

3:51 - Your eyes seem to burn a bit. When you close them the tears transmogrify into a vinegar-like substance that incessantly burns at a low flame.

3:53 - Got my first corrections. They are somewhere between pointless and inane. Stupid seems too harsh. By a bit. You can fight for what you think is good or just roll over and do as ordered.

3:54 -Fancypants has her own corrections and just summarized with a fine, "I'm just trying to do them so I can get on with my life."
And there you have it.
If a process that breeds that attitude is not a recipe for quality, I don't know what is.
(And I don't.)

4:02 p.m. - I have opted for the path of most mediocre resistance. Change the things that make your eyes roll. Don't change the things that negatively affect your blood pressure.

4:10 p.m. - Now that the first round is solidly underway the electricity is turning to fear. You wait to see what the next round will bring - what perfection you've achieved that will be muddied.

You listen each blaring bleat of the page system praying that it is someone else's name being called. It's a dog-eat-dog where you care less for colleagues than usual just so your own ass might be spared for a bit longer.

Because if it is you...if it's you, you don't know what the problem is but you know it's not good. You haul your ass out of the seat and walk down the LOOONG hallway to the room with 10 people who already know what your horrible fuckup is. You'll never get called because something is good.

Management for Dummies outlines the criticism:compliment ratio and so you WILL get told something nice, eventually. But probably in relative private and probably only to placate you.

4:24 p.m. - And another lull while your corrections/suggestions get mulled over/accepted/vetoed etc.

4:31 p.m. - Our young intern just received her first correction. She's old enough to know that here in the big leagues a weak cutline will earn you a "Yawn!" from The Powers That Be.

That's what they do at Vanity Fair too.
It's what we Quasi-Journlalists call "constructive criticism." It's a character builder, you see.
There will be better times but you never forget your first.
(Unless, like some of us, you take the time to have yourself hypnotized so all the blackest corners of your existence are rendered null and/or void. Hypothetically.)

4:51 p.m. - As 5:00 approaches you begin to feel like you're done. The lull, the lull!
So you feel tired and like it's to go home and wonder why you are still here and when, oh when, will someone come in and release you from your pitiful state.

You will feel this way until you go home somewhere around 8:30.

5:00 p.m. - Ah, quitting time (for you, I mean)!
Here it's just where you hit the wall.
It's the point of diminishing returns.
It's the point where your brain is shutting down and you don't have the heart to do anything more than you're asked to. The concept of IMPROVING something with a GOOD IDEA becomes utterly foreign. You might pull it off but it will be luck and built-in-talent coming to the fore rather than being the result of any actual effort.

5:14 p.m. - As you can see it has now been over an hour since I did anything like work or, in fact, have heard anything about what's going on "Out There."
I am not in an REM state but I am nonetheless in a low-grade sleep state right now. It's a fact.

5:19 p.m. - In the nick of time rumours of my departure are beginning to circulate. Does anyone dare add up the actual amount of time I have worked today? Let's not. Let's be thankful for the possibility of leaving before nightfall.

5:21 p.m. - It's true! It's true!
And so ends The Worst Day of the Month.
It had its quirks this month but was mostly boring, huh?
But this is really only the start. I get to do a little bit more of the same on Sunday!

Goodnight all. And thank you.
More normal bloggy type updates are ready to go for later on.

Spam of the Day - Credit fraud for Dummies

Thanks to Fancypants for tipping me to this one.
Let me warn you - if you're not too sharp but own a Visa - do NOT respond to the text I'm copying below. Okay. We can proceed.

This one hooks you (if you're not too sharp) right up until the last moment. Points for effort....

"Good afternoon, unfortunately some processings have been cracked by hackers, so a new secure code to protect your data has been introduced by Visa. You should check your card balance and in case of suspicious transactions immediately contact your card issuing bank. If you don't see any suspicious transactions, it doesn't mean that the card is not lost and cannot be used. Probably, your card issuers have not updated information yet. That is why we strongly recommend you to visit our website and update your profile, otherwise we cannot guarantee stolen money repayment. Thank you for your attention. Click here and update your profile. "

It's nice how thoughtful they are...and that address is better than, say, www.veeza.com, but it still needs some work.

Random Thoughts - Head Music

Do you ever, like, listen to music and then have to leave it - this could be a stereo at home you wander from, Ipod/Walkman headphones you need to remove or, say you have to exit your car to drop off some mail - and then you keep singing the song that was on in your head.

Then you test yourself to see if, when you get back to the music, you are still in sync? It's tricky - you need to have the tempo down and know the words.

I pulled it off today with "Born to Run" today (and a live version to boot - Passaic, 1978) and felt quite self-satisfied.

It's not easy being Bond

Poor Daniel Craig. I haven't seen the guy in much, aside from Munich but I can see how he might just be a good James Bond. For the Connery die-hards there isn't much you can do but beyond that it seems only fair to give the guy a chance.

Now some meanies have started up an anti-Craig website and announced they'll boycott Casino Royale without having seen a single frame of it.

This is all in addition to some stuff I noted the other week (at the risk of quoting my own self...)

-First your last director gets arrested for soliciting a prostitute and then word gets out that you've started filming your next exciting blockbuster but no leading lady wants to be your Bond girl and you have yet to cast a villain

(Now they finally have both.)

It was nice of Roger Moore (the acknowledged worst Bond, but I have a soft spot for him) to defend the poor guy.

There are still, finally, the problems about how cookie cutter Bond has become and how they've turned down offers from the likes of Quentin Tarantino to write and/or direct. Clive Owen might have had the right idea by not taking the role. The upside keeps diminishing, eh?

This much I do now. It will sure as heck be better than the original Casino Royale which was directed by John Houston (of all people) and somehow managed to star Woody Allen, Orson Welles, Peter Sellers, William Holden and others without being even remotely funny or entertaining. Craig's version should be a cakewalk.

200?!

I've just noticed that we're at 199 visits.
The next person to visit will be #200 and you will have my eternal thanks - even if you've just wandered in here accidentally from some Latvian blog about yaks or sumthing.

Hopefully we'll have an update in the morning to kick off The Worst Day of the Month (TM).

Corporate Mascots Gone Wild

It's been an interesting couple of weeks for the Canadian ad industry.
If you don't live in Canada you probably never saw the Keith's beer guy...and it's your loss.

First you should know that Keith's is an India Pale Ale by name, but it's not ACTUALLY made like a true pale ale at all. It's really basically just Molson Canadian in another bottle. As Wikipedia says, the name makes it sound "exotic." It's not a BAD beer, but it's not an IPA.

Anyway, their ads featured this guy who was basically an obnoxious stereotypical Scot berating people for not treating their beer with the respect it deserved. I must confess I had a bit of a soft spot for the guy. I mean, in this post-Shrek world we live in, faux-Scottish pitchmen are a dime a dozen but you had to admire the way this guy really went for it.

Then, last week, he got busted on child porn charges. Oops. There's nothing FUNNY about it...suffice it to say his ads were pulled and that's it for royalties.

Frank and Gordon are another matter. They are a couple of CGI beavers who shill for Sympatico, Bell Canada's Internet service. We've been getting a healthy dose of them throughout the Olympics and, personally speaking, the jury is still out.

Certainly it's a bit trite on one level and yet, one of the beavers is Norm MacDonald. Also their website (linked above) is riddiculously elaborate and, of course, only meant to make money for one of the biggest corporations in this country.

But one of the beavers is Norm MacDonald!! And I'm happy to see him getting work.

All I know about all this is that it once again proves my theory:
Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Animal Story of the Day

I didn't intend on this being a regular feature but I'm finding that I'm a real sucker for wacky animal stories. When a gem like this one is sitting right on the Yahoo front page, it's too hard to ignore.

Despite the rigors of the Indian caste system, one young lady (as in 7 years old) has succesfully navigated the waters in a time of need. Due to a bad omen related to her teeth (really) she had to marry a dog. These things happen, folks. Don't laugh. This country has nuclear weapons.

No word on what KIND of dog but we do know that he's one lucky son of a bitch.
(Rim shot!)

The Worst Day of the Month - Preview

My life as a quasi journalist entails, every now and then, putting out an actual publication. Tomorrow is the regular Worst Day of the Month where The Publisher checks it all over and makes sure it's up to spec.

As per a friendly suggestion, I'll to do some sort of live blog tomorrow so you can have a sense of how it all goes down. This assumes that, firstly, I have the time (it's also The Busiest Day of the Month) and that I can accurately describe things without saying anything incriminating.

If all goes well, you'll get a chance to see how quasi-journalism works, how a magazine gets finely tuned and maybe even know at precisely what time the first tears were shed. Cross your fingers.

Spam of the Day

It's been a busy week for your faithful blogger which is why the updates (aside from freakish animal stories and spam) haven't been coming fast and furious. I'll be better next week.

Then we can talk about our embarassing Canadian Men's Hockey Team and so much more.

In the meantime - sometimes it's hard to separate the wheat from the chaff when finding just the right Spam of the Day. But then, sometimes you get a message like Bruno Given's "Dynastic Crab."

The sender? Amusing.
The subject? Even better.
And the text? Pure poetry - the kind that makes you think.

"or gorton, decant and dutiful
see atom it funereal it curdle, some basset but georgia in laurent but mugho may cajole be convoy
in timothy or amphetamine and jewell
!pound, divisional it sloganeerit's onward the wireman may commiteemen"

[ed: I don't want to mess with the punctuation - there are hints of ee cummings - BUT I think you'll find it all comes togehter if you slap a little "?" af the end]

What WILL they think of next?

Chickens?
With teeth?
Geniuses.

Spam of the Day AND Press Release of the Day

I'm a sucker for gobbledygook.
that's why Borya Pothier "in stability news" grabbed my attention.

Small's "resiny indefinite coppery" was the icing on the cake.

But the cherry on top was Jenny H's offer to do all sorts of fun things to/for/with/under me. Below her contact info lied the following poem:

"Bobbie are broil but create stonecrop to deportee.-nothx-gr4x0.com/notonlist/"

Grab a cup of tea and really THINK about it. Beautiful, no?

Sometimes (often, really) it's hard to tell the difference between spam and a true-to-life press release. Such is the case with "PLAY: The Art of the Xbox 360 Gallery Exhibit and Exhibition."

I could tell you the details about how it allows you peek into the creative process of the next generation of games, but what's the point?

Take note - Irony, the last refuge of pop culture glorification is fully under siege. Expect your local news outlet to be whoring for Microsoft somewhere in their last 1/3 of the broadcasting hour in the next day or two. Mr. Gates, I salute you once more.

Phat Cat

If you've been following this blog at all (and probably you haven't been) you know I like a good wacky animal story.

Well, the one about the otherwise healthy 33-pound cat qualifies.

I hate cats - not just because I'm allergic to them but rather because I believe they are inferior to dogs and most other animals in every way. They look cute when they are kittens, but that's it.

If you link to that article by the way, you'll find links to all sorts of neat stories like the 62 year old woman who just had a baby, the surgeon who started implanting screwdrivers when he ran out of titanium rods - and so forth.

Fizzy Math

If you want a clue of just how bad most TV is you should read this short article about the worst shows for product placement.

American Idol - the highest rated show on television these days - is one of the worst offenders. There is a school of thought, apparently, that the show is about discovering talent and/or providing a few untalented people to laugh at each week. Those of us who've gotten wise realize that the show is about only one thing: Coca Cola.

If you watched last year's incarnation of the show you saw 7 hours of ads totally almost 3,500 "brand occurrences." Presumably that includes all the oh-so-subliminal bottles of Coke the judges just happen to be drinking.

Spam of the Day

Quicktime Homeowners Marketplace says "We may have found you the lowest rate. Apply here."

MAY have found the lowest rate? Did you or didn't you? Don't tease! I've got ACTUAL lower rate offers out the wazoo - lowest rate on viagra, cialis, hoodia, mortgages....you have to do better than that if you want MY hard-earned buckaroos.

Million Dollar Losers

You know, I make fun of the ol' spam so much, sometimes you have to remember that every now and then someone gets a boo-hoo email from some Nigerian banker and actually sends along the money.

Now it seems that 8 people in Japan bought into a scam that would have given them (fake - duh) $1 million bills. It's hard to believe that in this day and age people still fork over money for the promise of MORE money...but they do.

The truly fascinating part of the article is that in 1934-35, the USA treasury actually did produce a $100,00 bill. (Techincally it was a gold certificate and wasn't circulated to the public, but it was still legal tender.)

Random Thoughts - Michael Jackson

I don't think he's a pedophile.
I do think he's insane.
I don't think he realizes quite how far gone he is but he IS far gone.

That said...if you don't dig the "mama se mama sa mama ku sa" bit at the end of "Wanna Be Startin' Somthin," there is something wrong with you.

Unequivocally wrong.

Press Release of the Day

I intend on getting to some news and/or commentary later today but this was too good to leave.

I just received a press release entitled "Copperfield's Magic Shrinks Heating Bills." If you stumbled upon this site searching blogs for David Copperfield news - you have come to the right place.

This coming Friday, the famed magician will visit the bustling suburb of Oshawa (Home of Sum 41!). The "housewarming party," (it's literal - get it?) will be attended by our energy minister and attendees can look forward to Copperfield demonstrating the magic of some new renewable energy system that "combines solar and geoexchange clean energy technologies."

I love what they're doing for Mother Earth - I'm just not sure about the kitch factor. If I get pictures of Copperfield wiggling his fingers while the minister flips the switch, they'll be here.

Spam of the Day - Update

Usually I like to make one posting a day but I just got an email from tonylikeastone@hotmail.com and, frankly...it hurt.

He writes:
"Are you a spammer? (I found your email on a spammer website!?!)"

And if the pot calling the kettle black isn't bad enough, he sends a trojan virus in a zip file!

The nerve!
The hypocrisy!

I hate tonylikeastone@hotmail.com and I don't care who knows it.

NOTE: It does beg the question...do spammers, like, hang out with each other?

The Real World

-I'm not saying Osama Bin Laden isn't a threat anymore. I'm just saying that when you've gone from bombing embassies and centres of the proverbial miiltary-industrial complex to hiding in a Pakistani cave, occasionaly dropping hissy audio tapes declaring, "Hey, let's make a truce...you'll never take me alive, coppers, see!" ... well, it's time to just retire, is all I'm saying.

-The David Emerson affair has a lot to say about the state of politics in Canada, but I'm not sure just what.
That politicans are whores?
That floor-crossing is all fun and games until it happens to you?
That Stephen Harper is as much of a hypocrite as everyone he calls a hypocrite?
That it's admirable when a politican admits he ain't too brainy (especially now that he's a cabinet minister)?

-If I won $365 million (forgetting about taxes), I think I could give about $250 million to charity (I want just one thing named after me - and for the family, really) and kick back. I don't need more than 3 houses, 5 cars or 25 guitars.

-Holocaust denier David Irving's lawyers have apparently advised him that it's time to admit he was being a bit, um, imaginative when he declared that there were no gas chambers at Auschwitz. He countered that there should be a statute of limitations on Holocaust denial and youthful indescretions should not be held against him. Now he can look forward to 3 years in prison where his former White Power views probably would have served him better than his current run-in with reality.

His lawyer felt the sentence was a bit unfair saying, "I consider the verdict a little too stringent. I would say it’s a bit of a message trial."

A bit of a message trial? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Random Thoughts - Olympics

One could do a whole blog on the Olympics but it's just too exhausting and expansive.

Here are my random thoughts so far, perhaps broken into two delectable, digestible morsels.

-The Canadian Olympic Council decided to declare that we would finish third in medal standings. Ballsy, I grant you. But it makes us look sucky if we finish a respectable fourth or fifth (which is fairly likely).

-I don't know why I take a peverse pleasure in watching American Bode Miller win nothing. Maybe it's that knee-jerk ecastacy all Canadians get from watching Americans fail...maybe it's just the specificty of how they KNEW he was going to bring home multiple medals what with his cool 'tude and all. In the meantime, he doesn't seem to care too much, so why should I?

Nah, I'll take our boy Ross Regabliati any day. Our homeboy won the snowboarding medal in 2002 and got busted for dope, and got to keep his medal. I mean, it was only pot (a snowboarder on pot!) and his defence was that he'd been at a party where OTHER people we smoking it. Nice.

-As for our own totals so far, well we've had a little bit of everything. If they gave out a medal after Bronze (Brass? Iron?) we would be doing great. We're good fourth-placers. We've had people like Rob Buttle slip in and take a surprise award and we've had master chokers like Jeremy Wotherspoon disapoint with extreme prejudice.

-Our hockey team lost a few games before bucking up in 2002 but this time they look really shaky. No goals in 2 games? Losing to the Swiss?? Not good. At least the women's team won gold - that should shame the men somewhat. In the meantime Gretzky's giving them a bit of what for but we'll see if that adds up to anything.

-Side note: If the Swiss are always neutral when it comes to REAL things (like wars) how come they are still allowed to compete? Shouldn't they be forced to stay out and be, like, the judges and stuff? I guess not - they'd probably keep slipping medals to the Germans (rim shot!)

Spam of the Da y

A good spam, in my opinion, should draw you in. Either the subject line should grab you - perhaps selling something you WANT or the text within should seem plausible. By the time you've had your 50th chance to help a Nigerian banker...well, it's just not the same.

This is a bad spam.
The subject is "the REAL hg.h."
I don't want any of that stuff - real or not. The authenticity is hardly the issue.

Then it begins, "Yo Kerel," which is not my name and probably not a real name at all.

Then the text:
"Yo Kerel

Ethan mentioned to me that you wanted to get back into shape. If this still
holds true, see this site at XXXX

They've got all these excellent program and therapies that helped me.
Everyone there is really nice and they really listen to your needs.

no worries,
yeine"

Bad grammar, weak form...this just a bad, spam.
It's the banality of spam evil.

I might be skeptical of offers to get "Great Value in the Oil and Gas Sector" or the increasingly prevalent offers of 500% more sperm volume, but at least they come from people like "otxfnfiuggtg " and "Ebru Patino." Make an effort, people.

You're not going to sell me anything or leave a virus on my computer - the least you can do is ENTERTAIN me.

Spam of the Day

Here's an enticing offer:

"GiantCockAndTinnyGirls
TheBest SiteOn TheNet"


You heard the man...so bring some vaseline but also some solder in case that tin needs some fixin'.

A Day Late - The Junos

After bashing the Grammys so relentlessly, it's only fair that I own up to the travesty that is this year's Juno nominations.

First - let's start with some positivity. Traditionally the Junos have been cooler than the Grammys. They invented - for example - the idea of having the awards in an arena rather than a stuffy theatre (and inviting the teeming masses in to rock along). Mainstream American award shows have since followed.

We've also seen cool things like Blue Rodeo playing with The Band (the only time, as far as I know, they played with Robertson since splitting) and there was that great year - 1993 - when Bryan Adams and Tom Cochrane were kicking ass worldwide.

This year it's all about Nickleback - The Canadian Creed (see below for Creed sentiments). When I hear Nickleback I'm almost more upset for them than I am for me (almost).
Even more pathetic than Nickleback itself are its spawn - Theory of a Deadman and Default. Both sound so much like Nickleback (Chad Kroeger produced their albums) that you want to grab them by the lapels and ask how they can possibly so deaf as to not know they sound EXACTLY like Nickleback. NIckleback, simply put, is the nadir of Canadian music in the last 10 or 15 years.

(It's a weak joke but I kinda imagine they got their name when someone bought their first CD for 5 cents and demanded his money back. I would have.)

This in an era where bands from across the country - New Pornographers, Broken Social Scene, Arcade Fire and a dozen others - are the height of indie cool, worldwide. What I'm saying is nothing new - (The Star's Ben Rayner has a decent article on it PLUS a Nickleback concert review) it's pretty obvious if you look at the nominations.

I mean, Celine Dion is in the running for the fan-chosen artist of the year.
So are Barenaked Ladies, who I love - but they haven't done anything this year!

As for the rest of the nominees:
*A Simple Plan are 3rd generation Green Day rip-offs (and I'm being nice because this blog is public).
*Kalan Porter is a freaky popper who is sad even bit American/Canadian Idol standards.
*Michael Buble and Diana Krall are okay for what they are. (Come to think of it, A Simple Plan's faux-punk is so lame that they're really basically just Michael Buble for disenfranchised-but-still-shop-at-the-Gap teens).
*Theory of a Deadman suck so hard that even if they all worked at McDonalds, and they were all really good at it, they stil shouldn't be nominated for so much as Employee of the Month. A Juno nomination is a national embarassment.
*A couple of good folk are nominated for New Artist - I'd like Martha Wainwright (a Canuck, albeit working out of New York) to take it
*If you want to see one sensible category, look at Songwriter of the Year
-Aracde Fire
-Joel Plaskett
-Kathleen Edwards
-Neil Young
-Ron Sexsmith
*If you want to see an embarassment of a cateogry look at "Adult Alternative." Since when are Blue Rodeo, Kathleen Edwards and Neil Young "alternative" of any kind?
Compare that category of talented people to the embarassment of "Album of the Year:"
Christmas Songs Diana Krall
219 Days Kalan Porter
It’s Time Michael Bublé
All The Right Reasons Nickelback
Under The Lights Rex Goudie

If Kalan Porter and Nickleback are mainstream and Kathleen Edwards is "alternative," I'll enjoy my life out here on the edge a while longer.

The rock cateogry is filled with people like Our Lady Peace (gack - they're still around!?) and the afforementioned Nickleback and their spawn.

The point, in the end?
Canadian music kicks ass. The Junos (at least this year), not so much.

...and Tom Cruise is pretty nutty too

Defamer also links to a very amusing video at the Best Week Ever blog. Someone with nothing better to do amusingly combined footage of Tom Cruise's Oprah insanity with her emasculation of James Frey the other week. Good for a solid chuckle or two.



OH - and if you've never seen it and have 30 seconds to spare - this manipulation of the Cruise footage is pretty priceless too:

Why I Love Scott Stapp EVEN MORE THAN I DID YESTERDAY

Man, this Stapp fellow is a piece of work.
Mere days ago he got married, then busted for drunken behaviour at an airport.
Now it seems that a sex tape featuring him and Kid Rock (Gack!) and four groupies has surfaced.

The fine people at Defamer (and their 'dirty older brother,' Fleshbot) have the scoop.
I only watched a few seconds (and that's only from the PG-rated preview) but Stapp telling the camera, "It's good to be the king," was sufficiently chilling to not go further.

Is Stapp even 10X more pathetic than I figured...or just living the ol' "There's no such thing as bad publicity," lifestyle?

Queen Street Man

I'm a bit loathe to post this since it must be at least a week old but it's such a wonderful slice of Toronto-style wackiness, I just had to.

Please follow the link or watch below and behold the 90-odd seconds of funny that is "Queen Street Man."


Share Video at DropShots.com

Spam of the Day

I like an inspirational spam. Something that's not selling anything - like this one I got today from Neateye.

The subject is "Gouranga" and the entirety of the text is:

"Call out Gouranga be happy
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga
That which brings the highest happiness!"

I don't know what Gouranga IS ... but I wanna slice of that happiness pie.

Taking Star Wars toooo seriously

Now, I like the ol' Star Wars universe as much as the next guy, but you do need some perspective.

In Staten Island, New York, for example, a kid named Darth Matt (Sith title, not real name) started an actual Star Wars fight club in his school.

A group of 13 year-olds, "The Death Cheese Club" went around beating up weaker kids, presumably with big sticks they waved around while making "Whuuump" and "fl-cheeee" sounds.

Shame on you, Darth Matt.

Radom Thought - Rob & Fab

It occurs to me that even if they were actually singing, those Milli Vanilli guys weren't actually any good.

Since last week I was having a bit of fun taking (easy) shots at the Grammys, this seems like a fine opportunity to do a bit more, since Rob & Fab won the coveted "Best New Artist" Grammy.

They started awading it in 1960 - Bobby Darin was the first winner followed by Bob Newhart (!). As the counterculture revolution swept through America, the Grammys followed with Robert Goulet, Tom Jones and Jose Felciano taking home trophies. (Okay, The Beatles won in 1965).

*In their entire career, The Beatles had 9 Grammy noms, 4 of those for Sgt. Pepper and one of those was for Best Album Cover. That's how hip the Grammys are.

Where was I?

Just as in so many other things, the 70s presesnted a mix of the ghastly (Starland Vocal Band! Debby Bone! America!) with the surprisingly decent (Bette Midler, Carly Simon, CSNY).

To their credit, most of the artsts they awarded in the 1980s had at least one really good hit. Few had more than one. Still, Cyndi Lauper, Culture Club and Tracy Chapman are all okay choices. Sade, Jody Watley (!) and Christopher Cross, less so.

The 90s started with the wheels coming off for Milli Vanilli (it was revoked and no one else got it) followed by our darling Mariah Carey. Remember Arrested Development? They won in 1993. Sherly Crow won in 1995 and Hootie and the Blowfish took in in 1996.

In this decade we've been treated to talents like Christina Aguilera and Evanesence but also Alciia Keys and Norah Jones (and Maroon 5?!).

Now you know.

Spam of the Day

Today's spam of the day is short, sweet and to the point.

The subject: "Poke her from her vagina to her throat"

It's a limited time offer, folks, so act fast.

Why I LOVE Scott Stapp

Scott Stapp is a "solo artist" (or "artiste solo" as they say in France) but he used to be the singer for Creed. Remember Creed? No? Well, take your least favourite Pearl Jam CD, make it REAL slow, add in some of your own lyrics about how great Jesus is, then blow chunks all over it. Congratulations! You have Creed!

I could write and write and write about how lame Creed were...and are. But there's no point - they are gone. But Stapp, the lead singer, lives on. He even relased a solo album which I will not dignify mentioning.

Well, I love a good Scott Stapp story because (at the risk of pigeonholing him unfairly) he's a self-righteous, pompous prick who is symbolic of everything that can go wrong with rock music.

My second-favourite Scott Stapp story goes like this:
Day 1: Scott Stapp gets married
Day 2: Scott Stapp gets arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for, um (ALLEGEDLY!) being drunk and antagonistic.

This remains a DISTANT second to my #1 favourite Scott Stapp Story.
-Stapp meets chick at an Orlando airport bar. She thinks he's a loser and gives him a friend's phone number rather than her own and boards a plane.
-Stapp makes a booty call to the FRIEND (he doesn't know it's not the same girl) and she basically figures she'll have some fun and invites him down to Gainsville. (Home of Tom Petty, yeah!).
-she tells him to meet her at the local Denny's and then word gets out amonst the townies that Stapp will be visiting.
-Poor SOB gets his sister to drive him down and walks into Denny's where all the teens in town are having a snicker. Of course he does not spot the girl he is looking for.
-Kids then ask him to autograph Creed photos (what luck they would have them at Denny's!), casts etc. and otherwise make a total mockery of the fellow.
-Then things take a turn for the worse as he hooks up with some chick, gets drugs etc.

It is VERY NEARLY too much. But it isn't.
You can read the whole thing - with pictures and cross-referenced accounts of the incident here.

Winnie Cooper -Math Genius

I was always undecided about Winnie Cooper.
Cute? Sure.
Sexy? No. (At least not at the time - which was, I admit, 1988ish.) She was supposed to be girl next door so, fair enough.
A bit of a prig? A tease? Yes, and yes.

Any way you slice it, she and Kevin broke up way too many times for him to have kept that going.

And there is no way, even in real life, that a kid like Fred Savage would have had a shot at that Madelyn chick. If he did, it was a no-frickin-brainer. Right? Right. (pictured - right)

Anyway,it seems our Winnie (real name: Danica McKellar) is all grows up - andshe loves math. That's right, math. If you want to hear her talk about,there's a lovely interview over at npr.com (think PBS, but without the exciting visuals).



ADDENDUM:Apparently, some time ago, Ms. McKellar aimed to re-do her image with alovely photo shoot that included shots like the one below. Points foreffort, no question.

Dick Cheney Jokes

Of course (as stated below) there really isn't anything funny about someone getting accidentally shot.
But if they happen to be shot while hunting with the now-you-see-him-now-you-don't VP of the USA...that's worth a one-liner or two.

Most of the talk show jokes (even Letterman) were throughly disappointing. But Jon Stewart and his fine staff at The Daily Show win my prize for the best Cheney joke so far:

-"Vice-President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt . . . making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honour, integrity and political manoeuvring. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

-"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. . . . But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. . . . moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice-president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted - it's just not worth it."

No Soup for You?

Strange doings, folks.
The other day I reported on a press release mentioning that the famous Soup Man (aka Don't Call Me The Soup Nazi) was set to open up an outlet at the Eaton Centre in Toronto.

Well, my friend, Curly, (a soup maven herself) was doing some digging and came up empty.
Though the press release said the opening is 2/16, neither information nor security at the mall knew anything about the shop or about ANY opening at the mall this week.

Ever intrepid, Curly went ahead and called the New York office - even, in desperation, invoking the name of a semi-news-outlet. It took a few calls to get past the PR flacks but eventually she did only to discover that....there are no plans for a Toronto location.

What gives?
If you know the scoop (or ladle?) please feel free to dish (or bowl?).

Spam of the Day

Perhaps because of the holiday season it's a slow spam day.

Still, The Queen of Daytime Time and jupitercpu have both given me the inside dish on "O's Favourite Things." That's right - I can buy some of Oprah's choicest goods.

Oatmeal cookie dough, for one, sounds delish.
Did you know that Ralph Lauren makes an Oprah sweater? Eeek.
Nuff said.

Random Thought - The Ubiquity of John Mayer

If you wake up at the same time every weekday, and have your radio on the same station, sometimes you will wake up to people talking. Aside from that...

47.6 % of the time you will wake up to John Mayer's "Your Body is Wonderland."
23.% of the time you will wake up to Five for Fighting's (annoying) "Superman."

The rest of the time it will be Coldplay.

Spam(s) of the Day

The action is heating up as we approach Valentine's Day. Then it'll be St. Patrick's Day themed spam clear through March.

The winner for today is the sexily-named Elaine X. who wants to know if I want to be her fuck buddy.
The text:
"Wouldyou like to do that? I checked out your profile and you are just whatIm looking for. Want to be the one who screws me when Im horny? So whatdo you say? Send me a message at hardfuck06."

So her address, should I want to get in touch, is incomplete! She also doesn't say where she lives. I hope it's nearby. Also, the email she sent from is "nicole.thompson.jcvj@fbuq.com" so it Nicole or Elaine???!!! What's going on here?

In tribute to the holiday season, I should mention Trey Bennet's "Fucking St. Valentine." But mostly because the text hardly makes sense:

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Especially
in the forthcoming Saint Valentines Day???
Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time...
The most simple way is to visit our site, order the
medication and that is all you are to do!
Do not kill the clock!


If you know what the "pea time" thing means, please tell me.


Gobbledygook awards for the day go to:
Noble Still well and her subject line, "benefice deadlight" &
Cahir Luken and his/her subject line, "stomatitis empoison."

Junko Gorham sneaks under the wire with "cacti railing" for sentimental reasons.

There are no losers here.

Dick Cheney, Dickwad

You can't invent a story like this and I'm sure it'll be all over the news in the coming days but...


...vice president Dick Cheney was out on a quail hunting trip when he had a big "oopsie" moment and shot a millionaire lawyer hunting buddy with his shotgun. Accidentally.

It wouldn't be AS funny if, like, he'd blown the guy's head off. But dude is still alive and this makes the subject fair game for jokes. If it weren't for the fact that he's actually been running the country from his mysterious bunker since 2001, I think I'd have to vote Dick Cheney as Worst VP Ever. Between the heart attacks and shootings it's just too much.

Yep, even worse than Dan Quayle - you've spelled potato with an "e" at the end too - admit it.

Arrested Development Redux

So it seems to finally be over.
Although Arrested Development has still not formally cancelled the show, Arrested Development went out with a bang of Friday night - roughly when the team from Estonia was entering the Olympic Stadium in Turin.

While not every moment was as great as the first two seasons, they threw in the kitchen sink in the finale, inverting the pilot episode, tying up loose ends and going in every direction. Short of another network picking it up (and a "it was all a dream") explanation....well, that's that.

If you need to mourn with others (particularly those reading in 'hints' that the show will live on in some form)...goeth unto here.

There just ain't anything more to say.

UPDATE:
I lied. One more thing to say which is that no one watched the show when it was on and no one watched the "secret' finale on Friday. 3.5 million viewers

Sobering Thought of the Day - See No Evil

I just got the book See No Evil from the library and plowed through it.
If you don't know, it's the book that inspired the film Syriana, though they differ in a bazillion ways.

The first half of the book is basically about how the CIA has been so gutted and overcome by political correctness that they're really not so into the whole spying thing anymore. And without, there's no info and without that, no intelligence and that's how things like 9/11.

But it's the second half of the book that really should scare the bejeesus out of you. The author, ex-CIA dude Robert Baer first talks about the State Department totally screwed a group of Kurds in 1995 who had a real chance to overthrow Saddam Hussein. At the last minute the NSC pulled their support and so the coup of March 4 simply became a non-event.

Then you get the meat of the Syriana stuff. It's all about Big Oil and how riddiculously entertwined governments, corporations and just about everyone else are in this thing. If you haven't seen Syriana, it's basically the same deal. If, everytime you pay for your gas, you blame the Arabs, you're missing the point. It's so inscestous, such a large scale circle jerk, that even the people who think they're running the show can't possibly have any clue what's going on.

The upshot? We drive cars. Those cars use oil. The oil is Over There....we're fucked and will be for a long time. Get used to it and enjoy in the meantime.

Syriana is a bit of a dense, challenging movie but if you want to take any interest in whatsoever in the things that actually make the world tick while you're not watching, rent it when it comes out and/or read See No Evil. Or just give up. Yeah, that's probably easiest.

Mea Culpa!

Oh, lordy. Sorry for getting all heavy back there.
Please, let me make it up to you.

How about a funny story.
These New York politicians were having a lovely fundraiser/lunch at a Chinese restaurant and their custom fortune cookies got switched with some that were meant for a bachelor party.

So instead of clever lines like, "Brooklyn - it's like an everything bagel," they got....well, we'll all have to use our imaginations because the wire services aren't spilling.

Free Speech Comes to Toronto

My alma mater, the venerable University of Toronto is receiving Jewish student union sponsored an event on radical Islam (as opposed to mainstream Islam but mainstream Muslims tend to regard discussion of radical Islam as tatamount to criticism of mainstream Islam, if you follow).

Anyway, the Islamic students are following up with the not-so-ambiguously named "Israel Apartheid Week."

I certainly remember those heady days from my time in school. The displays featuring maps of "Palestine" which bore a striking resemblance to the shape of Israel, and so forth.

There are a bazillion things that could be said about all this, but I'll try to only say a few things.
-It would be nice if the Muslims actually discussed radical Islam and the Jews didn't have to bring it up. It'd be nice if each used their week to talk about themselves - whether that be self-promotion or self-questioning
-S, in my experience, Jews criticize Israel about 1000X times more often than you hear prominent Muslims talking about the problems in their flock...I discount the idea that there is some kind of quid pro quo going on.

Nope, Israeli leftists (from Noam Chomsky on down) are a dime a dozen and yet I doubt that the Muslim students had to hestitate in choosing between Israel Apartheid Week and, say, Gay Rights in Saudi Arabia week. If I may generalize, their agenda is just a bit one track - and it does not involve looking in the mirror at any point. Israel ain't perfect but they have bigger problems to solve first.

-so the aim of the Muslim Students Assocation, as you can tell from the article, is to ""foster a deep respect and appreciation for other faiths and cultures on campus."

And that's why, instead of calling their event Palestinian Freedom Week, Arab Liberation Week or even End the Occupation Week, they went for the very deferential Israel Apartheid Week.

Nonetheless, the Jewish and Muslim student groups have, to their credit, done some work together and that, i suppose, is better than nothing. They co-hosted some lectures last week, for example. It's certainly better than the anti-Semitic cesspool (or hotbed of progressive thought, if you prefer) of Concordia University in Montreal where Israelis of all stripes are prevented from speaking by riots, destruction of physical property and harrassing Holocaust survivors .
*Tangential related note: One newspaper in Jordan actually had the cojones to publish the Danish cartoons. The editor pleaded with people to consider for a moment which was worse publicity for Islam: The cartoons, or a suicide bomber hitting a wedding in Jordan. He was summarily fired and is now up on charges.

-Meanwhile over in Indonesia (the biggest Islamic nation, didn't ya know), a group of students are showing a wonderful spirit of unity by pledging to die to defend their religion from political cartoonists.

Yeah, I know they certainly do not represent most Muslims but when you read quotes like this one, it really all becomes so very clear:
"Long live Islam. Destroy Denmark. Destroy Israel. Destroy George Bush. Destroy America," shouted some 3,000 protesters who marched in a steady rain to Danish Embassy from a nearby mosque.

I'm not sure how Israel and George Bush got involved....except of course that they are already regarded as the worst things to ever happen to Islam (note that Osama Bin Laden isn't on the list) so when discussing something else horrible (ie free speech in Denmark) we might as well toss em in. Just like when you're making a salad, no matter what kind, you need some lettuce. The West is the lettuce.

You want to sympathize with them - I mean, a Christian wouldn't be HAPPY about cartoons depicting Jesus in a negative light - and then they have to go off, make a big fuss and start dragging in the kitchen sink.

The Soup Man Cometh

Today's press release of the day has some delicious news - the Soup Man is coming to Canada. Just as most things on Seinfeld are ultimately based on reality, so too was the Soup Nazi based on one Al Yagneh - The Soup Man.

Now Al has parlayed his fortunes into a chain featuring 25 soups. Next week one will open at our very own Eaton Centre mall. The location will feature an astounding 45 soups (!). Mr. Yagneh was never too impressed with the implications of the "Nazi" part of his fame so don't expect anyone shouting, "No soup for you!" at you.

It is incumbent upon me to mention that my friend, Curly, is intimately involved in the Toronto soup trade. If you're in the vicinity of one of their locations (mostly downtown, especially on Hospital Row) you should hit the old Soup it Up. I can offer unqalified praise for the Veggie Chili and Chick Pea Soup. The Veggie Gumbo ain't nothing to sneeze at neither.

Strange News for the Day

*One day I'll have to take a trip to Littleton, Colorado: Inspriation for South Park, home to high school massacres and toilet babies.

I think the strangest part of this woman having her baby - aside from her apparently having shat it out - is the name, Nevaeh, which is HEAVEN spelled backwards. Would her name have been "Heaven" if she'd been dry-delivered?

*Don't you admire my restraint for knowing everything about the Britney Spears baby-on-a-lap incident and not expoounding upon it at all? Of course you do.

*Yahoo has links to not one but TWO versions of an article (both Associated Press) about anundercover kitten. You should read them both.

Just dig this lead:
He came from the streets of Brooklyn, a cool customer on four legs, the perfect bait for a sting on a fake veterinarian. Meet Fred, undercoverkitten.

That is what we in the business (not that I'm REALLY in the business) consider to be gold.


And,lastly, my friend whom I shall call Homeboy has pointed me to a phenomenon which may or may not be a sign of the apocalypse. It turns out that the Grammys were beaten - soundly - in the ratings by AmericanIdol. The only joy to be found here is the knoweldge is that some 16-year-old in Middle America missed Kelly Clarkson's two wins cuz she was too busy watching that little-kid-looking-cowboy freak singing his ghastly country song (yeah, I saw 5 minutes - sue me).


Given the lameness of the Grammys - accumulated over YEARS and YEARS of uncoolness - and the horrible cultural black hole that is American Idol....what to make of this? I don't even know. Is this a good sign? A bad sign?

The fake music show beat the real-but-still-almost-embarassing-as-the-fake-show show. Ouch.

How uncool are the Grammys? Remember these three facts as examples:
-The Rolling Stones won their first Grammy in 1994
-The Beatles won more Grammys in the 1990s than the 1960s - by far
-NeilYoung's almost entirely acousitc Prairie Wind was nominated for bestROCK album (matching Bruce Springsteen's peculiar nom for best ROCKVOCAL on "Streets of Philadelphia.")

This much I can say for sure: If American Idol and/or the American Music Awards and/or theGrammys air at the same time and finish with the exact same ratings(each with a 66.6 share, I figure)....it's time to duck and cover. The MTV awards, however, are entirely safe.

Spam of the Day

Lots of choice phallus-related stuff today.

-One email asks, if I knew that "Former President Bill Klinton uses Voagra!"

The text within is no less englightening:
"Everybody knows the great sexual scandal known as "Klinton-Levinsky".
After the relations like this Klintons popularity raised a lot!
It is a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to
shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Voagra.
What happened you see. His political figure became more bright and more attractive.
It is very important for a man to be respected as a man!"

If we learn nothing else from this...that last line is certainly a great truism of our time.

-Another contains a claim from, Matt, a satisfied customer from Florida.
"I've been using your product for 4 months now. I've increased my length from 2" to nearly 6" . Your product has saved my sex life."

I am both frightened that he was once 2" and that he has no concerns about his penis TRIPLING in size.

Also today:
-popcornheadtwo is selling replica watches
-an email with the subject "Frank Flanagan" appears to be from "Frank Flanagan" but is signed "Lois Meier." What's up with that?

Random Thought - Kelk

Next door to the office where I work is a place called Kelk.
Allegedly, they build "sensors for rolling mills."
They celebrated their 50th anniversary in 2003 (the sign is still up) and their employees ("Kelkers") graciously wear their Kelk toques (even when it's not too cold) and use their Kelk umbrellas.

But I don't understand what they actually DO.
Do you?
I could probably track down their web site and read about them but it seems too easy.
Something about the sheer mystery makes it more....romantic.

d

Random Thoughts - New York

New York is a nice city, true. But they didn't name it twice.
It's just that New York CITY is in New York STATE.
So, you see, that popular expression is based on a misunderstanding.
Now you know.

(It's the same deal in Oklahoma City which is also nice, but not as nice as New York - or at least not in the same way.)

A Clean Slate

Slate magazine and I seem to be in sync today.

Firstly, they have graciously produced the Jamie Foxx/Kanye West pic I was looking for.

Their Troy Patterson also has a pretty fine take on the celebrations. Still, it's hard to find adjectives to describe Paul McCartney's descent from a rocking "Helter Skelter" to a sickening "Yesterday" with Linkin Park and Jay Z.

Sorry - you'll have to go elsewhere to find pics of the freaky, formerly-sexy Teri Hatcher trying too hard to be sexy.

But I'm only too happy to provide a picture of the very nutty looking Sly Stone who beamed down for the shenanigans.


Way at the other end of reality is a fine article at Slate which asks the pragmatic question at the back of everyone's thoughts: Where the heck are Muslims getting all those Danish flags? And, while we're at it, how come in countries like Syria where public gatherings (to say nothing of riots) are, shall we say...discouraged - it's no problem for everyone to get together and burn an embassy or two.

It reminds me of a time that Canada announced it would take in Palestinian refugees if that was needed as part of a final peace agreement and the Palestinians did not appreciate that. In fact the news featured mobs burning effigies of the Canadian foreign minister, John Manley. Where the fuck would you find that? Who in Gaza could even name the guy? Do you download a pic off google to get an accurate mock-up? Is it possible that maaaaaaaaaaybe the Palestinian Authority is involved in this somehow?

Oh, well. That's just the world, I guess.

Spam of the Day

Lately I've been getting lots of spam that contain a nice bit of totally unrelated prose after the pitch - Super Bowl recaps have been common in the last week.

Today I received an email from Lolita Johnson offering me the chance to "Abolish all you owe with out paying another dollar."

She goes on to provide some basic info (A link, her address in Aruba) and then the following....

"It seemed firm enough to walk upon, so he took courage and put out the
other foot That's true, Mr Dorothy kept hold of his hand and followed him,
and soon they were both walking through the air, with the kitten frisking
beside them."

Does anyone know what book this is from? I'd like to read it.

-Also, I received identical offers for Software from my old friends "Chopin K. Hopefully" and "Confidential O. Outplaying."

UPDATE: I just got another software from what might be best spamname I've ever seen:
Disemboweled U. Sorghum

Nice.

Jamie Foxx Suxx

As I see it, Jamie Foxx was kinda funny on In Living Colour. Fine.
Then, somewhere around Any Given Sunday it began to look like the guy could actually act.
(Yes, the guy from Booty Call.)
Then he made Ali and Collateral and proved he could act.
Then he made Ray and proved he could act and/or do an awesome Ray Charles impression.

Somewhere in there, however, homeboy lost it. He seemed to lose the distinction between himself and Ray Charles. His Jump the Shark Moment occurred at the Oscars when, during his Ray acceptance speech, he started blasphemously singing "What I Say (part II)." He asked the crowd to chant along and, like the sheep they are, they did.

Then he made Stealth and started working on his singing career.
Not only does he sing his own stuff, he gets himself sampled on Kanye West's record with a loop from his own version of Ray Charles' "I Got a Woman."
Now he's at the Grammy's and the mofo is STILL singing Ray Charles songs.
DUDE -it's over!
Gary Busey may be crazy as a shithouse rat but at least I can turn on the TV without worrying about him singing "Peggy Sue."
Lou Diamond Philips' career may not be sky high but he's still not down at the local Holiday Inn strumming "La Bamba."

Someone get this man help, please.
[as soon as I can find a pic on the net of him in his drum major uniform it will be right HERE]
(And Kanye West - that display was so self-aggrandizing and self-consciously "Showstopping" as to be pathetic - starting with telling the network it was time to start the 5-second delay -ooooooooh Kanye is so fucking rebellious. Yeesh.

Arrested at Birth

Since it's about to be recently deceased, I intend on spending the time between now and Friday night mourning the loss of Arrested Development - the single funniest show on TV since...I don't know - prime Seinfeld, maybe.

The Fox network, in their infinite wisdom, have not actually cancelled the show. It's more like they've decided to shoot it in the kneecaps first and let it bleed a while. I had my first REAL inkling it was heading for the shitter when they failed to publicize, even once during the Simpsons (which aired right beforehand) that Dan Castallenta (Homer, natch) and Ben Stiller would be guest stars on AD, mere minutes after.

But the suffering will end and the coup de grace will be delivered on Friday night when Fox sends AD to the crematorium in style. They will dazzle fans with the final 4 episodes, airing back to back, AGAINST THE OPENING CEREMONY OF THE OLYMPICS.

There is faint hope - Showtime and ABC have been negotiating to pick up the show but no deal can be finalized until the show is cancelled and, of course, it still has not been!

(And can I add that Justine Bateman will be having a cameo in one of the episodes? I think I can.)

I couldn't possibly pick only one joke from the show that's a favourite but one I would love to illustrate for those who have not seen the show (or even those who have) is Dr. Tobias Funke explaining how he succesfully combined the fields of analysis and therapy to become the world's first...you can see the card.











I can still comisserate with other traumatized viewers and soon the three truncated seasons of Arrested Development DVDs will sit on my shelf alongside other great shows cancelled by Fox before their time:
-The Tick
-Undeclared
-The Ben Stiller Show
-Freaks and Geeks (actually cancelled by NBC but it's Undelcared's older brother, so I count it).

Fuck Fox. Fuck them up their stupid assholes.

Boo Hoo for Hollywood

So much sad news coming out of the world of pointless entertainment I hardly know where to start.

-Kelly Clarkson just won a Grammy Award. And Paul McCartney was nominated in the same category. The only solace was watching Bonnie Raitt's "Don't drag me into your shit" look when Clarkson said what an influence she was in her acceptance speech.

-Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow split which is kind of sad. But not nearly as sad as Armstrong expressing himself by covering one of her songs on his own radio show. [or did he just spin the album version? Does it matter?]

-My favourite story is definitely the one about the Rolling Stones and the Super Bowl. Turns out the the 'bowl folks decide to bleep out some of the racier lyrics in the Stones' halftime performances of "Start Me Up" and "Rough Justice." Word was that the Stones had agreed to the censorship but now, in fear of losing their bad boy status, they are saying otherwise.

Having read the heretofore not-worth-reading lyrics of "Start Me Up," I am utterly baffled as to what might even qualify as PG-dirty. "Brown Sugar," with its black slavewomen getting whipped and none-to-subtle references to cunniligus? Okay. But "Start Me Up?"

But compared to those ribald lyrics, "Rough Justice," is practically pornographic!

"One time you were my baby chicken/

Now you've grown into a fox/

And once upon a time I was your little rooster/

Am I just one of your cocks?"

Can you believe Jagger thought he'd be able to sing that on network TV? "COCK?!"
The Super Bowl is a FAMILY show (paid for by beer and pickup truck commercials).

It's pathetic on so many levels, really. That someone showing their nipple could have these reverberations...It just goes to show that for all the talk of the mighty consitution and free speech and all that, the United States - from the citizens to the networks to the FCC to the White House - are a bunch of pussies. You don't hear any whining when Jack Bauer tortures someone on 24 but a nipple? Rolling Stones lyrics?

For what it's worth, despite our own flaws, I'm proud to live in a country where people can say "shit" and "asshole" on prime time (on a government-owned network no less) and you NEVER hear ANYTHING about it.

-And I was just signing off but the Grammys are still going and there are now a bunch of soulless white and/or soulless black "artists" destroying the songs of Sly and the Family Stone one by one. What's next, Jack Johnson's tribute to P-Funk?

Oh, thank God - the Black Eyed Peas are here now to bring soul (and style! and talent! and humps!) to the masses. And while I'm happy to see them outside that horrible White Gap Room of Hell, even Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are just sucking horribly. Perry looks like a Richie Sambora impersonator and Tyler...looks like a Tyler impersonator.
How very sad.

Spam of the Day

As many ladies already know, "Fucking a man with a small dick is like fucking a rabbit."
Well I now have the secret to solving this problem. And I shall keep it locked safely in my SAVED email folder.

I also got something that seemed enticing, from playboibabe_69@hotmail.com - but it turned out to just be a trojan virus. No fun.

Marsupial Magic

Do I look a good animal-related news story? Yes, I do.
If it involves a kangaroo? Sign me up.
And if that kangaroo is having lip surgery? Well that brings a tear to my eye.
And if that kangaroo havingl ip surgery is a budding movie star whose career - we pray - will not be cut short? Well, that's a tear-jerker that should be made into a movie starring, say, Dennis Quaid and Keira Knightley.

From the sublime to the....sublime

I like a story with multiple levels of absurdity - the cartoon thing below, for example, functions on multiple levels.

Here, for example, we have Michael Jackson setting some of the pope's songs to music. That's gold. That begs for jokes all day and all night.

But I also like that if you read the article at the Internet Movie Database web site, you get a link to Pope John Paul II's filmography (no blockbusters therein)

Note: According to E! Online (a trustworthy source, says I), it's all a big hoax - even the priest saying the dude was acquitted and that's good enough for them.

Does that detract from the funny in any way? Nope, says I.

Is the world Orwellian? Kafka-esque? Just plain nutty?

Well, you may have heard a thing or two in the news about this Danish cartoonist who drew some pictures of Mohammed and that upset a Muslim or two. And then, just to remind the Muslims that we here in the decadent west enjoy a little something called Freedom of Speech, the heretofore dickless countries of Old Europe reprinted them willy nilly, inciting embassy burnings and the like.

Now our old friends in Iran are hitting back to teach us all a little lesson about Freedom of Speech.

That's right - they are holding a Holocaust cartoon contest to see if WE find THAT offensive. It's one of those things where you don't know if you should laugh or bomb their nuclear program into the stone age before it gets off the ground. Certainly there is some black humour in the story.

First, of course, is the blatant hypocrisy on display. Anyone who knows anything about the Arab/Muslim press knows that the most horrific, medieval, anti-semitic depcitions (in cartoons AND news stories) are virtually daily occurrences. To say it's the the pot calling the kettle black is a massive understatement. (And now, of course, it's the pot calling the kettle calling the skittle black - I think).

Plus you have to love that the AP article describes the Iranian president's opposition to Israel.Not the government, not the policies - just the country itself.

And who knew that Tehran actually had a museum for cartoons?

If you're reading this you probably have Internet access and enough smarts to understand why even fine, free countries like Canada and Germany have 'hate speech' legislation and so I won't prattle on about it. Just forget the serious part of it and enjoy a laugh or two. Might as well.

Oh - and I have no compunction about printing them there but techinical issues prevent me from doing that here - but this is a link.

Press Release of the Day

In my job as a quasi-journalist I get all sorts of fascinating press releases. Not the quantity or quality of the spams, but still....

The most boring release I got in the last day or so reads:
"East Gwillimbury Proactive with Energy Proposals"

Makes you wanna just pop the attached report open, doesn't it?

Far more interesting is alleged censorship/chickenshit behvaviour/possible publicity stunt surrounding the new play by Eve Ensler. If you don't know, she is the author of The Vagina Monologues. Well, according to her publicists, certain local outlets have balked at coverage of the new play (with the innocuous name, The Good Body) lest they have to mention the female genitalia.

Radio station CHFI (Think Richard Marx, Kenny G and Michael Buble) apparently asked that the word "Vagina" be removed from any mentions of The Vagina Monologues. Other stations refused to do any coverage at all if they had to mention it.

Oh, well.
I'm proud to say that my quasi-magazine will be publishing a hearty interview with Ms. Ensler and, as far as I know, there are no anti-vaginal edicts.

I think Maude Lebowski really captured the hypocrisy herein, noting that her own art was often described as "strongly vaginal, which bothers some men.The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina..they don't like hearing it, and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick, or his rod, or his johnson."

Come on world - when will you learn?

Spam of the Day

It's that time of year and the Valentine's offers are coming hot and heavy. I can name a star after my loved one, buy her a unique message in a bottle OR take up the offer I just received for "valentine Personelized live roses."

It's not the misspelling that gets me - it's the offer of LIVE roses. That's just groovy.

Music News is also offering me the opportunity to "Download Free UNLIMITED Music Legally."
While I appreciate the change of pace - the opportunity to do something LEGAL - I don't see the angle. I can illegally download unlimited music with Limewire or I can donwload tonnes of stuff legally at Itunes so....thanks for nothing.

Random Thought - Auto Songs

Having heard both in recent days I can definitively, and without reservations, make the following statement:

IfI had to listen to only one song the rest of my life and the choices were Gary Neuman's "Cars" and Gino Vanelli's "Black Cars," I would choose the latter.

Of course anything by The Cars (especially "Drive" or "Magic") trumps either.
Obviously.

News - Alberta Bound

If you don't live in Canada you probably haven't heard of Ralph Klein, and that's a shame. He in the Premier (ie Head Honcho) of the province of Alberta which, thanks to having some oil underground, is a lovely boomtown area that understandably resents having to share with some of the lesser provinces. Ralphie is known to be something of a right-winger trying to slide private health care past our constitution and so forth.

Well, as part of a celebration of Alberta's centennial, Mr. Klein has been voted the funniest Albertan ever.

Among the choice quotes contained herein...
Klein on Global Warming:
"dinosaur farts" are as likely an explation for the phenomenon as anything else.

Klein on Mad Cow disease:
"You would have to eat 10 billion meals of brains, spinal cords, ganglia, eyeballs and tonsils [to get it.]"

Sadly, most of the runners-up were also politicians and when kd lang is your competition....well, it was a lock for Ralph.

Amazingly, not mentioned in this article is the time when Klein (then an alcoholic) took his message to the streets, walking into a homeless shelter (his chauffeur dropped him off) and berated the residents and telling them to get jobs. This is now classic Canadian history - to have someone so live up to the stereotype you have of them is priceless

To give some perspective, it's a bit like if Donald Rumsfeld got drunk, walked into an Amnesty International office and started tearing the place apart; or if George Bush walked into an ACLU office, wired on coke, hosed them with oil and started telling them where they could stick their free speech (while showing them where the FBI has planted bugs all over their office). And so on.

So, congratulations, Mr. Klein.

ADDENDUM:

If you're into right-wing Canadian politics, you'll be happy to see that Jim Flaherty is likely to soon be in charge of finances for our country . How scary is this? Well, I don't want to say the guy is a facist or anything but he DID try to make homelessness illegal in Ontario. I'm sure he only had the best of intentions.


The good news is he'll be able to work off the debt he ran up while campaigning to lead the provincial conservative party.

50!

It's hard to believe it's happened already but I have now had 50 (!) visitors to this little blog.
I want to extend my personal and heartfelt thanks to IP # 69.197.235.

You've touched a little boy's heart and made his day shine like a golden amulet, encrusted with rubies and left by the Gods (Greek Pantheon) by the banks of a cool, blue river lined by reeds and rushes, weaving its way through a gentle green glen where deer chew on clover and little rabbits hop by doing same while not talking to the deer but simply enjoying....life.

Really.

Spam(s) of the Day

-I got all excited that ex-soap/rock star Rick Springfield was trying to sell me Adobe software products until I noticed "his" email address - BrendaPearson@4wdnut.com.

Suspicious, huh? I don't think it's really Rick Springfield at all.

-Glen Digicianto is offering me a product that "will outplay other curative store's pricestickers" and naturally my curiosity went through the roof. Then he signed off 'Your bro" and since he is neither my literal brother, nor a close friend (ie a 'homeboy") I have to think he's trying to pull a scam of some sort. I hate dishonesty.

UPDATE:
Fancypants has just come through with today's clear winner.
The sender: Rochelle Hartley

The subject: Have a great time with her, now 100% no trouble!

The opportunity:
Down the little thing and start pleasing her in the foreplay, because minutes later you will win her very personal First Prize.

Nice. Enticing - yet mysterious.