The Worst Day of the Month - a Live Diary
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9 a.m. - It's the calm before the storm. It's nice to show up on The Worst Day of the Month and see that most of the company hasn't arrived on time except for your department.
This is a fine time to finish little threads of work you were supposed to yesterday (But could not for entirely legitimate reasons).
Also, I usually get coffee in the afternoon but today opted for morning. This is because of the way lunch works here (tune in for the scoop a bit later!). For the second month in a row, on the day I bought morning coffee, I spilled it on myself. Only a tiny bit today, really. It's already dried (phew).
9:48 a.m. - Credit where due - this was all Homeboy's idea. He's enjoying it already and nothing's happened yet. Actually, that's not entirely true.
We already have one, "I'm having an absolutely horrible day - and it's only 9:30." (That's from InsanoGrirl who, it should be noted, is actually quite cute and friendly much of the time - it's just a name, after all.)
The cracks are showing even earlier than expected - the emotional desparation accompanying looming disaster that will never come.
But the sun is shining.
10:09 a.m. - In a few minutes I have to split. I have to run to the local Black's to pick up some photos we left there to be developed. We need them for the paper which goes to print tonight.
Yes - this is how things really work in the fast-paced world of Quasi-Journalism.
10:26 a.m. - I am too important a person to be absent from the building (natch). Thank the stars for interns.
10:39 a.m. - In the zone. That nasty leftover work is done. Things are proceeding apace. All is right in the world despite some occasional injections of Manic Energy.
10:51 a.m. - Manic Energy has just blown through. Feisty.
Due to extenuating circumstances I am optimistic that today I will find shelter from the storm. Only time will tell.
10:56 a.m. - the coffee didn't dry quite as well as I thought but since it's brown on brown, you'd have to really be looking. There are also various stains of red (ink?) and blue (ink) on the kakhis today. This is the price you pay for perfection.
The Elfin Princess, on the other hand, is wearing a spangly rhinestone-type number and her hair is all done up. She looks like she should be at the figure skating finals in Torino. (This may be a complement - it's not an insult anyway).
11:03 a.m. - Manic Energy has come and gone again. He has explained that he doesn't like happy compromises since this seems to entail him losing. It may have been meant ironically but it is, in fact, not.
Soon, The Calm Before the Storm will end and we will enter the hours of Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop. But not until after lunch.
11:23 a.m. - We go through the looking glass here with such regularity, life on the flipside gets to be pretty comfortable.
Manic Energy, you see, is building a park. And more power to him. It is incumbent on us, of course, to promote the park which is, I reiterate, a good idea.
So now, despite all the things I have previously implied and laid out about what kind of day this is, Manic Energy is taking my boss (EnviroBoy?) over to the park so we can get a shot of him there. This picture, which will take close to an hour to obtain on the busiest day of the month, will run at an approximate size of 1" x 1.5" (2.5 cm x 4cm for the metrically inclined).
11:35 a.m. - Batten down the hatches! Manic Energy is in full effect. I can say no more.
11:54 a.m. - Word is out - we are getting pizza for lunch. Sometimes it's subs, today it's pizza.
The deal with lunch is that we get a lovely warm lunch brought to us. The catch is that we get lunch because forfeit our right to leave the office for an hour like normal human beings. There aren't guards or anything at the doors - it's more about getting the word done and staying at our desks as much as possible. It's just no FUN is all. (That's why I have to grab coffee in the morning but not why I seem to have to spill it on myself.)
By the way, EnviroBoy and Manic Energy are still here. I don't know why but this I do know - the least likely reason is that sanity has prevailed.
12:15 p.m. - As we round the horn and head into the p.m. hours, the knowledge that the Calm Before the Storm will dissipate becomes palpable. There is a lump - probably in your throat, perhaps in the bottom left of your stomach. It may be pyschological or it may be bile.
12:35 p.m. - Pizza's here. (You might be thinking - his day doesn't sound so bad! But it will be.)
12:39 p.m. The pizza is from a gourmet local spot instead of the usual chain place. Very nice. Credit where it's due.
1:42 p.m. - Make no mistake, several hours of doing NOTHING doesn't lessen this day's status. It still sucks hard. The Head Honcho photo shoot seems to be off for now. Manic Energy has blown town to get a slurpee with a free CD I just got and re-gifted to Fancypants. Oh, well.
1:58 pm. - I TOLD YOU! I told you sanity hadn't prevailed. Had we found a photo of the Stanley Cup (it's a long story) this could have been averted but, no. Manic Energy is driving (and taking photos) of Enviroboy in the park. Off they go. So long Manic Energy! So long Enviroboy! We'll do that whole paper-checking thing a bit later.
2:07 p.m. - "Oh my God, what a fiasco!" That is the quote of the day for now. It comes, of course, from the staff gradually realizing that the ship is rudderless. Amusingly this came after fears were expressed (and then allayed) that people might accidentally get the impression this is a "shoddy operation" due to some botched photos (also a long story).
2:12 p.m. - Fancypants (who is wearing fancy socks today) is showing her first signs of cracking. Spacial-temporal confusion seem to be the initial symptoms.
2:14 p.m. - Now is a good time to clean out that pesky email inbox. In a few hours you'll regret you already did this but...you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
2:15 p.m. - In a desparate attempt to keep the ship together, Fancypants stammers, "I hope you've done your corrections!" after realizing that some of us are not 100% into our "work."
2:32 p.m. - Funniest moment of the day so far. Boss's Bitch (I call her that out of pity, nothing cruel whatsoever - we are ALL the boss's bitch in our own special way) entered the editorial department trepidatiously. She had a question to ask but didn't want to interrupt since we are SO BUSY!
Busy! Get it? Busy.
Do you ever get the feeling you've surfed the entire Internet (except for porn)?
That happens here every now and then.
2:42 p.m. -
InsanoGirl: "This is an absurd day."
Fancypants: "I agree."
2:45 p.m. - They're back! With slurpees (for some people!)!
Now we can slap our hands together and get down to b-i-z-ness!
2:49 p.m. - Now things are really rolling. We've been hailed to do some preliminary checks!!
2:57 p.m. - Whoo-ee. That's one good looking publication.
I may have eaten too much pizza.
3:19 p.m. - Let the games begin. We operate on a wonderful paging system. If someone wants to see someone, rather than calling them on the phone, they page the entire office. In fact, the PA is hooked up outside so if a smoker is needed inside, they'll know immediately. When the pages start coming on this day, the fun never stops.
We might have a catfight!
Fancypants just got called down the hall and immediately responded with, "Why do she have to call in such a bitchy voice?!"
The game is afoot.
3:26 p.m. - Fancypants is back. And, it's about time - there are finally some crackles of electric tension in the air. This is what it's all about.
3:43 p.m. - The first round of corrections arrive.
It's hard to say what order the pages get checked in (last month employed a fascinating system I can't put here because the graphic capabilities simply do not exist. Anyway, the way things are done I tend to get pages more in the second, even third round. I'm clear for now.
Around 4:00 things get dicey. There is an indeterminate spot between your temples from which a dull ache begins. It's not pain, just physio-mental discomfort. Coffee and Diet Coke don't help. Sleep might but that's hours away. It gives you some idea what it must be like to be an NHL player at the end of the playoffs, finding the energy to take the Stanley Cup - except that no such prize awaits at the end here.
Oh, and we're still looking for a Stanley Cup photo, by the way, if you have one...
3:51 - Your eyes seem to burn a bit. When you close them the tears transmogrify into a vinegar-like substance that incessantly burns at a low flame.
3:53 - Got my first corrections. They are somewhere between pointless and inane. Stupid seems too harsh. By a bit. You can fight for what you think is good or just roll over and do as ordered.
3:54 -Fancypants has her own corrections and just summarized with a fine, "I'm just trying to do them so I can get on with my life."
And there you have it.
If a process that breeds that attitude is not a recipe for quality, I don't know what is.
(And I don't.)
4:02 p.m. - I have opted for the path of most mediocre resistance. Change the things that make your eyes roll. Don't change the things that negatively affect your blood pressure.
4:10 p.m. - Now that the first round is solidly underway the electricity is turning to fear. You wait to see what the next round will bring - what perfection you've achieved that will be muddied.
You listen each blaring bleat of the page system praying that it is someone else's name being called. It's a dog-eat-dog where you care less for colleagues than usual just so your own ass might be spared for a bit longer.
Because if it is you...if it's you, you don't know what the problem is but you know it's not good. You haul your ass out of the seat and walk down the LOOONG hallway to the room with 10 people who already know what your horrible fuckup is. You'll never get called because something is good.
Management for Dummies outlines the criticism:compliment ratio and so you WILL get told something nice, eventually. But probably in relative private and probably only to placate you.
4:24 p.m. - And another lull while your corrections/suggestions get mulled over/accepted/vetoed etc.
4:31 p.m. - Our young intern just received her first correction. She's old enough to know that here in the big leagues a weak cutline will earn you a "Yawn!" from The Powers That Be.
That's what they do at Vanity Fair too.
It's what we Quasi-Journlalists call "constructive criticism." It's a character builder, you see.
There will be better times but you never forget your first.
(Unless, like some of us, you take the time to have yourself hypnotized so all the blackest corners of your existence are rendered null and/or void. Hypothetically.)
4:51 p.m. - As 5:00 approaches you begin to feel like you're done. The lull, the lull!
So you feel tired and like it's to go home and wonder why you are still here and when, oh when, will someone come in and release you from your pitiful state.
You will feel this way until you go home somewhere around 8:30.
5:00 p.m. - Ah, quitting time (for you, I mean)!
Here it's just where you hit the wall.
It's the point of diminishing returns.
It's the point where your brain is shutting down and you don't have the heart to do anything more than you're asked to. The concept of IMPROVING something with a GOOD IDEA becomes utterly foreign. You might pull it off but it will be luck and built-in-talent coming to the fore rather than being the result of any actual effort.
5:14 p.m. - As you can see it has now been over an hour since I did anything like work or, in fact, have heard anything about what's going on "Out There."
I am not in an REM state but I am nonetheless in a low-grade sleep state right now. It's a fact.
5:19 p.m. - In the nick of time rumours of my departure are beginning to circulate. Does anyone dare add up the actual amount of time I have worked today? Let's not. Let's be thankful for the possibility of leaving before nightfall.
5:21 p.m. - It's true! It's true!
And so ends The Worst Day of the Month.
It had its quirks this month but was mostly boring, huh?
But this is really only the start. I get to do a little bit more of the same on Sunday!
Goodnight all. And thank you.
More normal bloggy type updates are ready to go for later on.
9 a.m. - It's the calm before the storm. It's nice to show up on The Worst Day of the Month and see that most of the company hasn't arrived on time except for your department.
This is a fine time to finish little threads of work you were supposed to yesterday (But could not for entirely legitimate reasons).
Also, I usually get coffee in the afternoon but today opted for morning. This is because of the way lunch works here (tune in for the scoop a bit later!). For the second month in a row, on the day I bought morning coffee, I spilled it on myself. Only a tiny bit today, really. It's already dried (phew).
9:48 a.m. - Credit where due - this was all Homeboy's idea. He's enjoying it already and nothing's happened yet. Actually, that's not entirely true.
We already have one, "I'm having an absolutely horrible day - and it's only 9:30." (That's from InsanoGrirl who, it should be noted, is actually quite cute and friendly much of the time - it's just a name, after all.)
The cracks are showing even earlier than expected - the emotional desparation accompanying looming disaster that will never come.
But the sun is shining.
10:09 a.m. - In a few minutes I have to split. I have to run to the local Black's to pick up some photos we left there to be developed. We need them for the paper which goes to print tonight.
Yes - this is how things really work in the fast-paced world of Quasi-Journalism.
10:26 a.m. - I am too important a person to be absent from the building (natch). Thank the stars for interns.
10:39 a.m. - In the zone. That nasty leftover work is done. Things are proceeding apace. All is right in the world despite some occasional injections of Manic Energy.
10:51 a.m. - Manic Energy has just blown through. Feisty.
Due to extenuating circumstances I am optimistic that today I will find shelter from the storm. Only time will tell.
10:56 a.m. - the coffee didn't dry quite as well as I thought but since it's brown on brown, you'd have to really be looking. There are also various stains of red (ink?) and blue (ink) on the kakhis today. This is the price you pay for perfection.
The Elfin Princess, on the other hand, is wearing a spangly rhinestone-type number and her hair is all done up. She looks like she should be at the figure skating finals in Torino. (This may be a complement - it's not an insult anyway).
11:03 a.m. - Manic Energy has come and gone again. He has explained that he doesn't like happy compromises since this seems to entail him losing. It may have been meant ironically but it is, in fact, not.
Soon, The Calm Before the Storm will end and we will enter the hours of Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop. But not until after lunch.
11:23 a.m. - We go through the looking glass here with such regularity, life on the flipside gets to be pretty comfortable.
Manic Energy, you see, is building a park. And more power to him. It is incumbent on us, of course, to promote the park which is, I reiterate, a good idea.
So now, despite all the things I have previously implied and laid out about what kind of day this is, Manic Energy is taking my boss (EnviroBoy?) over to the park so we can get a shot of him there. This picture, which will take close to an hour to obtain on the busiest day of the month, will run at an approximate size of 1" x 1.5" (2.5 cm x 4cm for the metrically inclined).
11:35 a.m. - Batten down the hatches! Manic Energy is in full effect. I can say no more.
11:54 a.m. - Word is out - we are getting pizza for lunch. Sometimes it's subs, today it's pizza.
The deal with lunch is that we get a lovely warm lunch brought to us. The catch is that we get lunch because forfeit our right to leave the office for an hour like normal human beings. There aren't guards or anything at the doors - it's more about getting the word done and staying at our desks as much as possible. It's just no FUN is all. (That's why I have to grab coffee in the morning but not why I seem to have to spill it on myself.)
By the way, EnviroBoy and Manic Energy are still here. I don't know why but this I do know - the least likely reason is that sanity has prevailed.
12:15 p.m. - As we round the horn and head into the p.m. hours, the knowledge that the Calm Before the Storm will dissipate becomes palpable. There is a lump - probably in your throat, perhaps in the bottom left of your stomach. It may be pyschological or it may be bile.
12:35 p.m. - Pizza's here. (You might be thinking - his day doesn't sound so bad! But it will be.)
12:39 p.m. The pizza is from a gourmet local spot instead of the usual chain place. Very nice. Credit where it's due.
1:42 p.m. - Make no mistake, several hours of doing NOTHING doesn't lessen this day's status. It still sucks hard. The Head Honcho photo shoot seems to be off for now. Manic Energy has blown town to get a slurpee with a free CD I just got and re-gifted to Fancypants. Oh, well.
1:58 pm. - I TOLD YOU! I told you sanity hadn't prevailed. Had we found a photo of the Stanley Cup (it's a long story) this could have been averted but, no. Manic Energy is driving (and taking photos) of Enviroboy in the park. Off they go. So long Manic Energy! So long Enviroboy! We'll do that whole paper-checking thing a bit later.
2:07 p.m. - "Oh my God, what a fiasco!" That is the quote of the day for now. It comes, of course, from the staff gradually realizing that the ship is rudderless. Amusingly this came after fears were expressed (and then allayed) that people might accidentally get the impression this is a "shoddy operation" due to some botched photos (also a long story).
2:12 p.m. - Fancypants (who is wearing fancy socks today) is showing her first signs of cracking. Spacial-temporal confusion seem to be the initial symptoms.
2:14 p.m. - Now is a good time to clean out that pesky email inbox. In a few hours you'll regret you already did this but...you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
2:15 p.m. - In a desparate attempt to keep the ship together, Fancypants stammers, "I hope you've done your corrections!" after realizing that some of us are not 100% into our "work."
2:32 p.m. - Funniest moment of the day so far. Boss's Bitch (I call her that out of pity, nothing cruel whatsoever - we are ALL the boss's bitch in our own special way) entered the editorial department trepidatiously. She had a question to ask but didn't want to interrupt since we are SO BUSY!
Busy! Get it? Busy.
Do you ever get the feeling you've surfed the entire Internet (except for porn)?
That happens here every now and then.
2:42 p.m. -
InsanoGirl: "This is an absurd day."
Fancypants: "I agree."
2:45 p.m. - They're back! With slurpees (for some people!)!
Now we can slap our hands together and get down to b-i-z-ness!
2:49 p.m. - Now things are really rolling. We've been hailed to do some preliminary checks!!
2:57 p.m. - Whoo-ee. That's one good looking publication.
I may have eaten too much pizza.
3:19 p.m. - Let the games begin. We operate on a wonderful paging system. If someone wants to see someone, rather than calling them on the phone, they page the entire office. In fact, the PA is hooked up outside so if a smoker is needed inside, they'll know immediately. When the pages start coming on this day, the fun never stops.
We might have a catfight!
Fancypants just got called down the hall and immediately responded with, "Why do she have to call in such a bitchy voice?!"
The game is afoot.
3:26 p.m. - Fancypants is back. And, it's about time - there are finally some crackles of electric tension in the air. This is what it's all about.
3:43 p.m. - The first round of corrections arrive.
It's hard to say what order the pages get checked in (last month employed a fascinating system I can't put here because the graphic capabilities simply do not exist. Anyway, the way things are done I tend to get pages more in the second, even third round. I'm clear for now.
Around 4:00 things get dicey. There is an indeterminate spot between your temples from which a dull ache begins. It's not pain, just physio-mental discomfort. Coffee and Diet Coke don't help. Sleep might but that's hours away. It gives you some idea what it must be like to be an NHL player at the end of the playoffs, finding the energy to take the Stanley Cup - except that no such prize awaits at the end here.
Oh, and we're still looking for a Stanley Cup photo, by the way, if you have one...
3:51 - Your eyes seem to burn a bit. When you close them the tears transmogrify into a vinegar-like substance that incessantly burns at a low flame.
3:53 - Got my first corrections. They are somewhere between pointless and inane. Stupid seems too harsh. By a bit. You can fight for what you think is good or just roll over and do as ordered.
3:54 -Fancypants has her own corrections and just summarized with a fine, "I'm just trying to do them so I can get on with my life."
And there you have it.
If a process that breeds that attitude is not a recipe for quality, I don't know what is.
(And I don't.)
4:02 p.m. - I have opted for the path of most mediocre resistance. Change the things that make your eyes roll. Don't change the things that negatively affect your blood pressure.
4:10 p.m. - Now that the first round is solidly underway the electricity is turning to fear. You wait to see what the next round will bring - what perfection you've achieved that will be muddied.
You listen each blaring bleat of the page system praying that it is someone else's name being called. It's a dog-eat-dog where you care less for colleagues than usual just so your own ass might be spared for a bit longer.
Because if it is you...if it's you, you don't know what the problem is but you know it's not good. You haul your ass out of the seat and walk down the LOOONG hallway to the room with 10 people who already know what your horrible fuckup is. You'll never get called because something is good.
Management for Dummies outlines the criticism:compliment ratio and so you WILL get told something nice, eventually. But probably in relative private and probably only to placate you.
4:24 p.m. - And another lull while your corrections/suggestions get mulled over/accepted/vetoed etc.
4:31 p.m. - Our young intern just received her first correction. She's old enough to know that here in the big leagues a weak cutline will earn you a "Yawn!" from The Powers That Be.
That's what they do at Vanity Fair too.
It's what we Quasi-Journlalists call "constructive criticism." It's a character builder, you see.
There will be better times but you never forget your first.
(Unless, like some of us, you take the time to have yourself hypnotized so all the blackest corners of your existence are rendered null and/or void. Hypothetically.)
4:51 p.m. - As 5:00 approaches you begin to feel like you're done. The lull, the lull!
So you feel tired and like it's to go home and wonder why you are still here and when, oh when, will someone come in and release you from your pitiful state.
You will feel this way until you go home somewhere around 8:30.
5:00 p.m. - Ah, quitting time (for you, I mean)!
Here it's just where you hit the wall.
It's the point of diminishing returns.
It's the point where your brain is shutting down and you don't have the heart to do anything more than you're asked to. The concept of IMPROVING something with a GOOD IDEA becomes utterly foreign. You might pull it off but it will be luck and built-in-talent coming to the fore rather than being the result of any actual effort.
5:14 p.m. - As you can see it has now been over an hour since I did anything like work or, in fact, have heard anything about what's going on "Out There."
I am not in an REM state but I am nonetheless in a low-grade sleep state right now. It's a fact.
5:19 p.m. - In the nick of time rumours of my departure are beginning to circulate. Does anyone dare add up the actual amount of time I have worked today? Let's not. Let's be thankful for the possibility of leaving before nightfall.
5:21 p.m. - It's true! It's true!
And so ends The Worst Day of the Month.
It had its quirks this month but was mostly boring, huh?
But this is really only the start. I get to do a little bit more of the same on Sunday!
Goodnight all. And thank you.
More normal bloggy type updates are ready to go for later on.
posted by Heavy Early at 5:23 PM
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