Bond IX (finally) - The Man with the Golden Gun

Let's try to pick up the pace again, shall we?

Ah, The Man With the Golden Gun.


-Can I start by saying how cool Christopher Lee is? Not only is he Ian Fleming's cousin, a WWII special forces officer and a great Dracula, he played major bad dudes in a 007 movie AND Lord of the Rings AND Star Wars. Yeah, that's a cool dude. (Even if he is forced to where a superfluous 3rd nipple in this flick.)
-I hate to say it but whenever I see Herve Villechez I think of the "little breather" joke in Airplane! I hope it isn't shit like that that drove him to kill himself. He's most amusing here.


-The opening of this flick is a bit much in that the funhouse seems a little over the top. So does the lifesize Bond dummy that dude shoots to get his rocks off.

-Is the theme song (by Lulu!) the worst Bond theme song ever? Maybe.

-You can tell they didn't break the bank on the sets for "Beirut" which is just Bond in a club dressing room. On the other hand, they have a hydrofoil and that's cool. Do people still drive hydrofoils and hovercrafts?

-Bond isn't shy about slapping a chick around if he needs to but a mere glass of champagne can turn any situation into loooove, apparently.

-The base hidden in the sunken Queen Elizabeth is a pretty damned clever gag. Still, I don't understand the elaborate ruse to get Bond there. I guess it creates "suspense" or something.


-"Chew Me" walks the fine line between stupid and clever. The PG nudity is nice, though. It's a shame that Bond goes to the trouble of getting a fake 3rd nipple and it's all for naught.

-The whole Karate School sequence, including the tough school girls is a bit hokey, methinks. On the other hand, it leads directly to the boat chase in which we rencounter one JW Pepper (see comments in Live and Let Die below). I wonder how huge he was at the time that they needed to bring him back...?

-Kickboxing, of course, is the sport of the future. So it's nice to see it here and it's a damned shame Maud Adams misses the show. It's not that I can't believe Scaramanga would kill her - I just don't know how she could be dead and be sitting with her eyes wide open so no one even notices.

-The single most unintentionally funny bit in this (or any?) Bond movie is when Scaramanga says, "When I was a boy I grew up in the circus. My only real friend was an African bull elephant."

-The Pepper car chase in the AMC muscle cars might be the most improbable chase scene in a Bond movie and that's going one. It's a shame they ruined one of the most impressive car stunts ever with a pennywhistle sound effect.

-Now we've got a flying plane AND the Red Chinese! This can't end well, can it?

-How come Bond flies to a remote beach island and not only wears a suit but a rather horrible plaid jacket?

-Scarmanga might think it's cool to shoot the cork off a bottle of Dom Perignon but now there's nothing to frickin drink!

-Oh, here we are. The bit where explains a lot. I like the whole idea that he's going to corner the market on solar power. We're not at Moonraker yet but we're getting close to sci fi...

-Everyone was having a really nice lunch together until Bond had to ruin it by saying Scaramanga was full of shit. Not cool, man.

-Kra is THE worst Bond Henchman ever. I mean all he does is run the solar power plant, leer at Goodnight a couple of times and get killed. What a useless tit. (He is redeemed slightly by the newly-acquired knowledge that the same actor played the Mongolian who almost kills Indy in Marion's bar in Raiders...)

-The funroom is neither a fair nor mature way of disposing of other people. Most puzzling is how Bond impersonated his own wax dummy by somehow finding the time to put on a jacket, do up his collar and put on a tie AND hide the dummy. And, as soon as he's done, he changes back. What's up with that?

-007 knows a lot more about phsyics, solar power and electricity generation than I previously gave him credit for. I mean, "There must be a scanner interlock button!"?? The guy actually KNOWS that once a human being falls into a pool of liquid helium you only have five minutes until it becomes unstable?
Come on!

-Leaving the phone off the hook so M can here him sexify his partner is kinda kinky.

Next up is the Spy Who Loved Me, rumoured to be the best Moore Bond movie. I remember the submarine car and not much else so we shall see....

Bond VIII - Live and Let Die

Firstly it is incumbent upon me to mention the new "scientific" study declaring that Connery is the "best" Bond.

I kinda think the picture likes most like Lazenby but, whatever.
Basically my conclusion thus far is that all the Bonds have their great and weak moments. Connery got there first and therefore he is the standard by which all others are judged.

Which brings us to Roger Moore's first try. Off the top I'll say that most of the problems with this film have to do with it aiming a bit low, and with Moore himself. It shows signs of better things to come. I should also toss out that the DVD has a rather funny British milk commercial, ("Pick up a pinto!") showing the cast and crew of the new 007 flick sipping milk. The extras also make mention of how Burt Reynolds nearly got cast in the part.

-The cold open is a real series of "What the fucks?" since Bond isn't even in the whole thing. It's three guys getting snuffed, albeit in creative ways: UN earbomb, New Orleans funeral march and (of course) Voodoo Snake Guy. Luckily all this confusion leads into THE BEST BOND SONG EVER.

-Bond has some nice digs. He even has an espresso machine. The initial difference one picks up between Connery and Moore is that Connery (and Daniel Craig, I'd add) seems like a street tough who learned to be suave as cover while he's kicking ass. Moore seems like he's a suave guy who learned to kick ass...

-Man, it's ANOTHER Felix Leiter. How is it possible that I never before realized what a useless douchebag he is? Has he ever been played by the same guy twice? It's nice to know that the CIA has a black guy on call for missions like this (ie where the bad guys are all black) but I'm still wondering: Where is the FBI? It's this kind of territoriality that lead to the 9/11 intelligence failures.
(Trivia: this dude actually played Leiter again! Sure, it was 25 years later but still...points for effort.)

-I like the white pimpmobile (not necessarily the best vehicle for a subtle getaway) and I love the young, smiley Yaphet Kotto.
It's impressive that every black person in New York City seems to be working as part of this smuggling op and helping tail Bond. Bond in Harlem is a good idea for a movie...but they had throw in the voodoo sutff.

-"Names is for tombstones, baby," is clearly the best ever response to, "My name is Bond. James Bond."

-It's also worth noting that for all the bitching about Daniel Craig beyond "the blonde Bond," Moore's hair is awful close. Unlike Connery at least these guys HAVE real hair. Sorry, Sean.

-Holy shit! The Voodoo guys recruited the laughing guy from the 7-Up commercials! This is devastating news. IT's frickin PUNJAB, people!

Did you know he's a Tony winning director AND he narrated Tim Burton's Charlie and The Chocolate Factory?
That's CRAZY!

-Bond's got spray-on aftershave, a monstrous cigar and tells chicks things like, "We can lick you into shape." He's still got it.

-Depending on your point-of-view Quarrel Jr. is either a cute throwback or rather pointless. All I know is that Rosie looks pretty good with a bikini and a gun and I admire Bond's iterracial tendencies. It's almost as admirable as his desire to screw women who he knows will try to kill him after.

-In addition the aforementioned hydrofoils and hovercrafts, I want to on record saying that movies need more handgliding. It's one of the more absurd things we, as a species, have come up with.

-The tarot cards show nookie and therefore Bond must bed Solitaire. For the second time since Connery left, Bond has scored with two different chicks in one day.

-I believe the first "Holy shit!" in a Bond movie goes to the old lady taking flying lessons.

-Crocodiles are ugly creatures but if you know you're killing Bond with the crocs...why not just toss him in? Why the drama?

-The bayou boat chase is cool and the fx have improved the point where we can see Moore actually driving a racing boat as opposed to seeing Connery pretending he's driving a car in front of a movie screen.

-Ah, it's Sherrif Pepper! He's damned funny...and kinda doing his own wacky thing.
Here are some odd facts about Clifton James, who has been in a billion things. He's from New York, not the south. A look at his credits shows that he has played similar sherrif parts many times, most prominently in Superman II where, as far as I can tell, he was the exact same character. Despite the fact that Sherrif JW Pepper mostly seems to be in some other movie (albeit an amusing one, perhaps Dukes of Hazard) he will (unlike Felix Leiter) return for a cameo in The Man With the Golden Gun. The important thing to know about the sherrif is that he calls EVERYONE "boy," not just black people. When he says to "Call Billy Bob!" you know things are getting good.

-Bond has apparently traded in his li'l Walther PPK for a full-on magnum. Perhaps the producers thought Dirty Harry was making Bond look like a sissy?

-I kinda like Kananga. He has a sense of humour and he smiles a lot. But then he stupidly explains how his lame heroin smuggling op works and lets me down. Then instead of stabbing Bond in the stomach and tossing him in with the sharks he gives him three cuts on the arm and lets him wait for the sharks. I wonder how THIS will end. Oh, and Kanagnga - shark tanks are soooo 1965.

-Making Kananga turn into a balloon and blow up is cool, weird and distrubing at the same time.

-The guy with the metal hand, like his boss, has a cheery disposition when he's at work. This may be the first (but certainly not the last!) time the henchman outlives his master and wreaks havoc when it looks like everything is okay.

-"I was being disarming" is an appropriate and amusing line for dispensing with roboman. Phew, the world is safe.
But wait...PUNJAB IS ON THE BACK OF THE TRAIN!!! HE'S LAUGHING!!! EVILLLY?
(Ed note: This does not pay off in any future Bond movies but as Mr. Carver is still quite active I would HIGHLY reccomend that he be included in the next Daniel Craig film.)

Bond VII - Diamonds are Forever

-Choking a chick with her own bra is just plain cold.

-I know the Bond films aren't really sequential but they really should have made some reference to his dead wife (I know it happens in a later film).

-Blofeld is not just a different actor but nearly a different character. Is it because he had plastic surgery? This is a bit unclear in the opening (the entirety of which is given away in the film's trailer, btw). Man, he doesn't even have the same kind of cigarette hold as Savalas. Plus it's distracting that he's the guy from Rocky Horror.

-I've always been amused by these guys, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. (And I found out that Putter Smith who plays Kidd was a musician who played on tracks like "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." Really. OH, and Wint is Bruce Glover whose son is Crispin Glover!) They're creepy and a bit comedic but...well, I like em.

-On the other hand, Kidd makes a remark about how Jill St. John is attractive "for a lady" and I'm not clear if he's, like, gay or what. I think that's the deal.

-As for Jill St. John, they're pushing the envelope with her walking around in bra and panties. Then Bond says something about not minding hair colour as long as "the collar matches the cuffs" and takes it further. It's as about as edgy as Bond films get in terms of sex.

-Man, I LOVE Bond's kissy trick! If you've seen the film, you know what I mean.

-Again, the uselessness that is Felix Leiter. If Bond didn't introduce him you'd never know.

-The diamond extraction is convoluted if ingenious...still, Bond gambled a bit on being able to get out of that coffin.

-The whole Plenty O'Toole bit is amusing, including the bit where the mobsters throw her out a window and then admit, "I had no idea there was a pool there."

-It's Circus Circus! All shiny and new! Its mere presence in a Bond movie suggests that it's a classy joint but it's the most frightening place in Vegas. Almost 40 years ago Hunter Thompson said it's "what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war." And it's gone downhill since then.

-Why is the CIA operating in the USA? I'm pretty sure it's outside of their mandate. Does Leiter even know the FBI exists?

-Bond stole my clipboard trick! My three golden rules are:

1) Taking a clipboard will always make you look busy

2) WD40 can loosen anything

3) Duct tape can secure anything

-The moonbuggy escape is pushing things.

-Jill St. John is cute and fills out a bikini but, um, not the strongest actress.

-Wow, it's Blofeld! Two Blofelds! He doesn't explain everything to Bond which is progress but why the elaborate murder? He could shoot him. Instead he puts him in an elevator, gasses him, has him trucked out to the desert; he remains passed out long enough for the pipe he's dumped in to be lifted, secured and buried as part of a watermain or something. He gets awoken by some unexplained pipe-cleaning robot. Nice one, Blofeld! No wonder you never win, asshole.

-A pink tie? Dude - you're JAMES BOND.

-Ah, Bambi and Thumper. I guess because of the PG they cut away when Bambi knees him in the nuts. Really, I'm not entirely clear what they're doing...guarding Willard Whyte?

-Now, this Whyte guy is established as a Howard Hughes-type recluse which is why Blofeld can take over for him with no one wondering anything. But, aside from being a bit of a blowhard, he seems like a normal guy. Oh, and a hammy actor.

-I can't believe Q is cheating in the casino. Uncool, man.

-Dear lord - Blofeld in DRAG? The he explains his plan AND falls for the ol switcheroo trick. This guy DESERVES to get his ass kicked by Bond.

-His li'l escape submarine is a great idea - if only he didn't need to rely on someone to pick it up on a crane and drop it. By the way, henchmen: When the boss heads for the escape submarine, that's the time for you to stop fighting.

-Oh, and isn't this oil rig in Baja? In Mexico? Being attacked by US Marines? I see an international incident here.

-Ah, the demise of Kidd and Wint. The improv with the skewers would have been admirable but for the fire...I guess that's better than going with a bomb tied between your legs. Oh, well.

So long, Connery! Next stop: Roger Moore! Voodoo-style!

-

Bond VI - On Her Majesty's Secret Service

This is the one Bond film I've never seen so there will be more notes. One predictable Bond thing is that the movies get too gadgety and then reset. So this more straightforward movie was a bit necessary after the borderline silliness of You Only Live Twice.

Before watching the film I watched a bit of the DVD extras to hear about the Connery/Lazenby thing.
Not only is Lazenby an Australian who played a Brit, he now has an American accent. He sounds a lot like Mel Gibson and is a handsome gent. Heck, he wasn't even an actor before OHMSS and, well, he seems like an awful genial fellow given the flack he took.
It's worth bearing in mind that while the film didn't do as well as the Connery flicks it was still a box office success.

Anyway:
-The opening theme is a bit groovier. During the opening they take their time showing his face, keeping him in sillhouette mostly. My first impression is that Lazenby is a leaner, suaver guy...doesn't seem dangerous, per se. But he fights okay.

-Two oddities during the opening are the wonky day-for-night shooting and the car making a brake screech when it stops on the sandy beach.
And, of course, the big third oddity which is Bond losing the girl, looking at the camera and saying, "This never happened to the other guy." It's a bit on the nose but they pull it off okay.
-You can always tell a classy casino by the purple wallpaper. (And they're playing my fave game - "BANCO!" which I think is just baccarat.)

You can also tell, throughout this film, that it's 1969. The peculiar fashions are creeping in around the edges. Witness Bond's silly, frilly tux shirt which will eventually be followed by an odd Austin Powersy getup/kilt.

-Diana Rigg, who I really only know from The Great Muppet Caper is a heck of a looker.

-Her character's father is pretty messed though. I gather this from the fact that he tells Bond that his daughter, "Needs someone to make love to her, to dominate her!" And from the fact that, later on, he will punch her and knock her out. No hard feelings, however.

-Bond almost resigns! He and M need to communicate better. They're both lucky to have Moneypenny around.

-The opening theme, by the way, had no lyrics. Given the film's title that was probably a smart choice. Now, however, we get a Louis Armstrong love song (nice) and a lovey montage (weird).
-Bond's safecracking machine is the only gadget in the movie. Plus he steals a Playboy. Slick.

-I had no idea M collected butterflies. What a sissy.

-The alpine scenery in this flick is as gorgeous as in any Bond movie so far. Overall this seems to be the most cinematic so far with some nice camera work, purty shots and even a li'l flashback.

-Blofeld's lair, Piz Gloria is cool too. Apparently it's actually a resaturant that let them film there when they proimsed to finish building it. It's STILL a restaurant and they kept the Piz Gloria name.
-There are about 20 hot girls (each a cultural stereotype) in Blofeld's lair and they all think that Bond (in disguise!) is gay. So he hooks up with the Brit chick who, with all due respect, is the least-hot one there. Luckily he makes up for this by making two double entendres (one about having four gold balls and another about some stiffness coming on) and then by screwing a second chick on the same night. Take THAT Connery!

-Blofeld! Finally! And it's...Telly Savalas? This is probably the only time I've seen that guy ACT. Mostly he's just a joke. And he's not bad. He's not a cartoony creep like Donald Pleasance was - plus he smokes his ciggies in this cool, European way. He doesn't seem very EEEVIL but that's okay.

-After Bond gets knocked out there is a weird montage that could only have been filmed between 1969 and, say, 1972. Then he wakes up, makes a daring, sweet escape and gets into a nice smackdown of a fight.

-Skiing that fast at night is dangerous. Luckily they're in front of a bluescreen. The skiing footage here is about as cool as the SCUBA footage in Thunderball. Well done. Bond even invents the snowboard when one of his skis is broken.

-I just drove in a winter storm so the whole smashup derby on ice seems a bit redundant, but it's well done. All of the action here is. It's enough, in general, that you really don't miss Connery.
-Bond proposes - showing how truly whipped he is. I already know that it doesn't end well (it's the one thing I know about this film).

-I like that Blofeld goes in with the troops and if the avalanche he triggers seems a bit much, at least it looks cool. That doesn't excuse him missing a wide open shot at Bond back in his lair, however.

-I can't believe that dude has a bobsled run for escaping! If there's something more dangerous than skiing at night it's driving a bobsled and turning around to shoot someone. Asking for trouble, I tell ya.

-The wedding is nice but then...she gets killed. And the director cut the takes where Lazenby cried (chickens!). I knew she died but I can't believe that's how it ENDS. Damn, that's harsh.
-Luckily, I've checked ahead and by the beginning of the next film (with Connery) he's over it.

-Overall, Lazenby did a great job. Another film or two and he could have been a very solid Bond. He got a bum rap and whatever his flaws it's lame they went back to Connery who (I'm guessing) just did it for the money.

Bond V - You Only Live Twice

Ah, the one where Bond is diguised as a Japanese person...we'll get to that.

-Where did they find these Mission Control actors? One guy keeps saying "Cape-com" instead of "Cap-com" and another guy contacts "Hooston."

-Bond's dead? Bummer. He gets a pretty elaborate fake funeral, however. This might be the least memorable Bond theme song ever.

-The screenplay is by Roald Dahl?? Really?

-Brits on submarines wear waist-high shorts and knee-high socks. Who knew?

-I'm disappointed that the door to M's submarine office isn't upholstered. Also, it's kinda silly that he tells Bond, "This is the big one," before sending him out.

-Sumo wrestling? Nice.

-There are lots of reasons to get a house that does not have paper walls.

-Tiger Tanaka is way cooler than Felix Leiter. He has a cooler name (natch), fancy digs (with girls who will bathe you) - he even has his own train. There's a bit of sexist talk (and hairy chest talk!) in the bath, but that's okay. At least Bond doesn't rape anyone this time.

-Tanaka has cool exploding cigarettes. Hmmm, I wonder if Bond will ask for an innocent last smoke at some point...

-In the first 5 movies, Bond has been offered or drunk 1953, '55, and '59 Dom Perignon.

-Disposing of a car with a helicopter and a massive magnet is cool, but not that efficient.

-Cool-ass shot of 007 fighting guys on a rooftop. Then he gets knocked out like a bitch.

-For the second time in two movies Bond scores with a redhead who wants to kill him. Why not? I don't understand why she takes him up in a plane to kill him...once again, a bullet will do, folks.

-Ah, Q! And he has the British issue shorts. And an ultra-neat gyrocopter called Little Nellie.
It's a cool gadget but Bond still looks stupid with the helmet on.

-Japan has some love scenery and volcanoes. But I don't understand why you can see palm trees in the launch of the Russian rocket.

-Blofeld's in da house! And he's got pirahnas!

-Ninja school! NINJAS! Why didn't you say there were ninjas? This Tanaka guy keeps getting cooler.

-So, they're gonna disguise Bond as a Japanese fellow and train him to be a ninja in two days. Hmmm...let's wait and see how it turns out.

-Just like I thought - he looks exactly like James Bond. His Japanese sounds okay, but with a Scots accent. The biggest change he (allegedly) underwent was having his chest hair shaved (with a lemon?). Inexplicably, it's grown back by the end of the movie. This was a bad idea, writers. You couldn't pull it off at all.

Mostly, 007 looks like a Romulan.

-Why is this chick (Hockey? Aki?) wearing a bikini and slippers for their many-mile hike up a volcano? Why are they both dressed in white?

-Blofeld has a REALLY nice lair. But now the ninjas are coming! Now what, tough guy?!

-Quelle surprise! Bond asks for a last smoke with his exploding cigarette. This won't end well for Team Blofeld.

-This is a big, long battle. Bond finally gets to the self destruct and he's damned lucky he didn't blow up the nearby capsule but...whatever.

-Just like the last movie, Bond ends up in a raft with a chick. This time, however, a sub pops up underneath. That's cool, I guess.

Bond IV - Thunderball

-The opening funeral is nice, especially the "That chick's a man, baby!" moment. And Bond throwing flowers on the corpse is a nice touch.

-A jetpack!! Niiiice! Still, hardly the best Bond opening.

-Tom Jones singing a song called "Thunderball" is rife with wonderfullness. Sometimes it must be tough to come up with a song that fits the movie's title but once you've figured out "Thunderball" you're probably on easy street.

-Ah, Blofeld is back. But no one's called him that yet, have they? Dude getting killed in his chair is another great Austin Powers bit.

-Bandage Man at the spa is oh so mysterious.

-I'm not sure about the spa lady leaving Bond alone on the spine stretching machine for so long. The only reason it makes any sense is because he totally assaulted her right before.

-There's a weird edit...they're showing the guys getting on the plane in the midst of which we see Bond massaging the chick with a mink glove.

We see the pilots get briefed, take off and then cut back to Bond, still giving the masssage. Weird.

-The bomber landing on water is cool and all the SCUBA stuff (and there's a lot of it!) is cool.

-I really like the room where the secret service guys are having their meeting. But I can't help but wonder why there is a 2-storey window allowing anyone to look in.

-I don't understand the game of "Banco" at all but I like the little paddle and the way the guy says, "Banco!"

-Domino is dubbed. Man, every film features some major character not using their actual voice. It's somewhat disconcerting. (I believe the chick doing Domino's voice is the same one who did Honey in Dr. No. Yeesh.)

-Another Felix Leiter. Probably a tough role to cast since he's basically Bond's step-n-fetch-it guy. Still, this dude is cooler than the last. He even wears his shades inside.

-The first of many cool underwater fights. Henchmen are so stupid.

-This whole movie the clock is ticking down but Bond always has time for a nice lunch or to make time with a lady. I also like how when Bond goes to Largo's they hang out and make small talk, both subtly acknowledging they know who the other guy is. This happens to James a lot.

Again, Evil Dudes: 1 bullet well-aimed = no more Bond.

-The sharks are a nice eeeevil touch.

-Damn, Bond has a nice, huge hotel room. And, once again, he's not too busy to fuck around with a naked chick even though he knows she's going to try to kill him right after. Then he says, "What I did, I did for King & Country." What a smoooothe mofo!

-Then a good henchman fight involving a "Judo chop!" and a zinger ("I think he got the point.") Still, a pretty cool fight for 1965.

-I already mentioned it but it is amazing how much SCUBA work they did.

-Hydrofoils are cool. Why don't we see more of these (in real life and movies!)

-My last note was that the plane was cool but looked damned dangerous...oh yeah - the best way out of the liferaft is getting pulled out of it by a plane while tied to a safety line. That looks dangerous...but exhilerating. If you're James Bond. By all rights he should have cut the line and snuggled with Domino a bit longer. That's usually his style.

Bond III - Goldfinger

-You know what probably really sucks? I'd hate to be Gerte Frobe and be at some party and some guy asks me to say, "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!" Because when I say it I won't sound like the guy in the movie cuz some dumbass producers overdubbed my Germanic voice.

Bastards.

-I went through a phase reading all the Bond books. My basic memory of that experience is that most of them bore little resemblance to the films.

-A lamp in a tub is a bad way to go. But dig that, Bond:

"Shocking!"

Zing!

-"Goooold-feeenger..." Now, that's a song. The model for all Bond songs to follow. Isn't it weird how they're all different but, like, the same. This would be #3 on my top Bond songs after "Live and Let Die" and, yes, "A View to a Kill." The latter is hard to separate musically from the video featuring "Bon, Simon le Bon."

-Sometimes, during these opening credit sequences, it's hard to tell what body part they're showing. I wonder if they ever got away with any thing nutty?

-Wow, that Felix Leiter guy aged poorly, eh? But seriously, the most annoying thing about these opening scenes is that Connery was doing some other movie so they couldn't get him to Miami. The result is that it's hugely obvious that they're standing in front of projection screens at the hotel pool. Lame.

-Only Bond could wear a terry cloth leisure suit and look kinda cool. And only he could get a massage from a girl inexplicably named "Dink."

-I know he's James Bond but he REALLY picked up that Jill Masterson chick fast. Real fast.

-Bond isn't as cool as he thinks. He says that drinking a '53 Dom Perignon warm would be like listening to the Beatles without earmuffs. Nice. Joke's on you, Bondie!

-So, a girl is killed. She's painted gold. She works for a guy named AURic GOLDfinger. I know Bond has bigger fish to fry but I'd like to think the Miami police might be able to crack this one. I mean, can't we take him in on murder charges?? If Goldfinger was smart he'd steal some platinum or something - no one would ever suspect.

Oh, and skin suffocation is a myth.

-Moneypenny is always trying to get Bond. I know there's some joking about but I think she'd definitely jump him if she could. And yet her best offer is to come back to her place and she'll bake an "Angel Cake?" Maybe that's a British euphimism that goes over my head...

-Q is in full effect with silly gadgets galore.

-I hate golf but if I ever had to play I'd want Bond's caddy to help me out. He's good people.

-I like the old lady with the machine gun.

-Pussy Galore shows up. I know that Bond Girl names are always a bit out there but, really - how did this ever get past censors?

-C'mon Goldfinger! Why, oh why did you bring Bond with you to Kentucky? Worst. Move. Ever.

-Easily the most baffling scene in this, possibly any, Bond movie:

Goldfinger brings in mafia guys from around the country. He explains 90% of his plan in an elaborate audio-visual presentation which I wish I had at home. Then he kills them all. It's a good thing that WE now know what's going on - but I don't know why he told them...

The cherry on top is that he lets one of the mafia guys go and kills him in an even more elaborate way: Dropping his Lincoln Continental in a masher. With a bar of his gold that he then has to recover. WHY?

-I know Bond has never been PC but sometimes I'm forced to wonder if he's a borderline rapist. A chick fights him off - with judo and he throws her around and kisses her til she aquiesces.

I thought being a ladies' man required a more suave approach...

-He takes a lovely grey suit out of his suitcase on the plane. Doesn't even need to iron it. Then, when they go to Fort Knox he has a black one. He knows how to pack for any occasion. And, y'know, I STILL don't get why Goldfinger is hauling him around. Someone should take him to see The Departed - it turns out a single bullet to the head can kill a person just.like.that.

-I like that Goldfiger has an American army "disguise" to throw on but the golden gun is a bit of a giveaway, aint it??

-That hat weapon of Odd Job's is great for a single shot. not so good if you need to "reload." And two deaths-by-electocution in one film? Ouch. Or perhaps it's a theme? The filmmakers trying to make some comment on the abuse of power or something?

-So they switched the gas. That's clever. And it's impressive that they got 35,000 army personnel to play along perfectly. Just imagine if they'd like, stayed awake and the girls in the planes had just flown away instead of duping Goldfinger. Wouldn't that have thrown a wrench in his plans and kept the nuke out of Fort Knox? Why the elaborate ruse at that point?

And how come no one wondered where he disappeared to.

This is a rare 007 flick where the head guy gets the creative final death. Usually it's the lingering henchman...

Bond II: From Russia With Love

-Now, that's more like it.
I won't be able to sustain this pace but I've finished film #2 anyway.

-First, there's a pre-credit sequence and gun-barrel intro. The latter features a dude who is obviously not Connery (it's a stuntman) but progress noentheless.

Also, I see why it works for us (the viewers) but why does the dude learning to kill James Bond have to kill a guy that actually looks like James Bond?

This irks me in much the same way it irks me that Tony Danza always plays guys named "Tony."

-Robert Shaw kicks ass. Since I'm so used to him from Jaws, he's just particularly cool. Damn.

-More rich Austin Powers stuff. Blofeld and his cat (natch), Rosa Kelb/Frau Farbissene and the calling of people #3, #5 etc.

-Also, I'm pretty sure there is a lesbian subtext going on in the Kleb-Tatiana scene. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

-I've wondered this before but...why is Moneypenny American? No one mentioned, it's never explained. She is the personal assistant of the head of the British Secret Service, for gawds sake! (And a dirty wicked flirt, y'all!)

-It's Q! They don't call him Q but it's major progress.

The amazing thing about Q is he always PRECISELY anticipates 007's needs. Bond never reaches for a belt buckle that turns into a laser when he needs a can of shaving cream that turns into a car. No -he never has anything left unused either. Nice.

-This film has belly dancing! Then it turns into a gypsy catfight! Can you ASK for more? I must admit, I don't remember all this gypsy stuff at all. It's amazing, frankly, how consistently non-PC Bond is.

-Why did it take them so long to figure out how to make movie blood? It's DARK red people! Why is that so hard?

-Pedro Armendariz is really great. It makes it all the more depressing to read that he had cancer (from filming some movie near nuclear test sites) so they filmed his scenes early on. Then he committed suicide.

-Robert Shaw will be first, not the last, to explain WAY to much to Bond before (not) killing him. Jackass. And "Old Man?" Really?

-The train fight rocks and remains one of the best scenes in any Bond flick. It's the cool lighting, the ferocity...the only minus is that ends quickly. The close-quarters fight in Kill Bill must go on for 10 minutes and this is maybe 2. Maybe.

-Goldfinger's next. Cool. The only film I haven't seen AT ALL is the Lazenby one and it's not toooo far away. I've even seen the original Casino Royale and I heartily reccomend you avoid it at all costs. I don't know how they could have a movie with people like Woody Allen, Peter Sellers and Orson Welles and make it suck so very hard...but they did.

(I could go on! David Niven, John Huston, William Holden, Deborah Kerr....)

I can't think of a single film - or artistic endeavour of ANY kind - that has such a high talent/suckage ratio.

Blogging Bond - Part 1

This seems as good a use for this blog as anything - I am now, slowly but surely, making my way through all the 007 movies in sequence.
Now, I've seen them all before. Most of them more than once. Most of them not in years. So this should be illuminating.
Our first experience, natch, is Dr. No.
Here are notes, in no particular order, gleaned from viewing:

-I'm not sure what exactly Dr. No was trying to do. He explained it, I think, but I didn't get it. I did get that he has metal hands and a killer aquarium. Something to do with a rocket? World domination, maybe?

-These movies are harder to watch once you've seen Austin Powers. What the HECK are those radiation suits?

-One gets the sense that Ian Fleming was not a huge fan of "natives" in the colonies, nor "women." Witness Quarrel's constant rum drinking and his inability to recognize a tire track for what it is.

-"The Dragon." So...Dr. No has some kinda truck that breathes fire and is painted like a shark and the natives think it's a dragon. Okay...Now, what exactly does this thing DO? It's not explained...all we know is that the swamp is toxic and that may (or may not) be because the Dragon burned it.

-And if Dr. No is so dangerous that most people won't even sail nearby, why does Ursula Andress go there to collect shells? Is there no better location?

-Crab Quay is really pretty. I'd vacation there.

-Funniest Scene: Bond, Honey and Quarrel are hiding behind a sand dune while Dr. No's henchmen (in a boat) are off-shore asking them to come out. He's actually trying the ol "come out and we won't
hurt you" thing. Then he just gives up. "you won't
come out? Fine. We'll be back though! You just wait!
If only we could come ashore you'd be in BIIIIG
trouble!"
Also, dude's voice sounds like he's talking through a megaphone even after he puts it down.

-Second Funniest Scene: The car chase. Connery is SO obviously in front of a screen during the cuts to him it really takes you out of the scene. It seems unfair to pick on the FX but I wonder if this played even in 1962. Sometimes the enhanced resolution on DVD actually reveals things you couldn't see before.

-Bond is awesome. Even if he knows a chick tried to kill him and even if she has already called the dudes to come and try again, he'll still fuck her.

-I can't believe Bond fell for the, "Have a drink of tea...I SWEAR it's not drugged or anything" trick. Tsk tsk.

-Never once in my life has someone introduced themselves and then asked me my name in such a way that would allow me to say my last name first a la "Bond, James Bond." But it happens to this guy ALL. THE. TIME.

DID YOU KNOW?
-Ursula Andress' voice was "too continental" so all her dialogue was dubbed.
-In this, and EVERY SINGLE Bond movie he was in, Connery is wearing a toupee. That sound is your testosterone dribbling out into the ether.
-Dr. No does not have an opening action sequence. It barely has action sequences at all, in fact. But the whole pre-credits thing is not established yet. Still, all the raw ingredients are there.

SPECIAL NOTE:
Bond gets his martini mixed, not shaken here.
Still, if you get your martini mixed/shaken instead of stirred and you are not James Bond, you are a pussy. (Aside from the fact that you're obviously copying him, shaking reduces the amount of alcohol.)
See Daniel Craig's recent, "Do I look like I care?" reaction to how he wants his martini blended.

Even better - go get a martini like the one Craig ordered in Casino Royale. It'll be cool for a bit longer.

Vesper
Makes 1 large cocktail
1/2 part Lillet Blanc
3 parts Gordon’s gin
1 part vodka
1 lemon twist
Pour the Lillet, gin and vodka into a shaker part-filled with ice. Shake and then strain into a large martini glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.