Bond III - Goldfinger

-You know what probably really sucks? I'd hate to be Gerte Frobe and be at some party and some guy asks me to say, "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!" Because when I say it I won't sound like the guy in the movie cuz some dumbass producers overdubbed my Germanic voice.

Bastards.

-I went through a phase reading all the Bond books. My basic memory of that experience is that most of them bore little resemblance to the films.

-A lamp in a tub is a bad way to go. But dig that, Bond:

"Shocking!"

Zing!

-"Goooold-feeenger..." Now, that's a song. The model for all Bond songs to follow. Isn't it weird how they're all different but, like, the same. This would be #3 on my top Bond songs after "Live and Let Die" and, yes, "A View to a Kill." The latter is hard to separate musically from the video featuring "Bon, Simon le Bon."

-Sometimes, during these opening credit sequences, it's hard to tell what body part they're showing. I wonder if they ever got away with any thing nutty?

-Wow, that Felix Leiter guy aged poorly, eh? But seriously, the most annoying thing about these opening scenes is that Connery was doing some other movie so they couldn't get him to Miami. The result is that it's hugely obvious that they're standing in front of projection screens at the hotel pool. Lame.

-Only Bond could wear a terry cloth leisure suit and look kinda cool. And only he could get a massage from a girl inexplicably named "Dink."

-I know he's James Bond but he REALLY picked up that Jill Masterson chick fast. Real fast.

-Bond isn't as cool as he thinks. He says that drinking a '53 Dom Perignon warm would be like listening to the Beatles without earmuffs. Nice. Joke's on you, Bondie!

-So, a girl is killed. She's painted gold. She works for a guy named AURic GOLDfinger. I know Bond has bigger fish to fry but I'd like to think the Miami police might be able to crack this one. I mean, can't we take him in on murder charges?? If Goldfinger was smart he'd steal some platinum or something - no one would ever suspect.

Oh, and skin suffocation is a myth.

-Moneypenny is always trying to get Bond. I know there's some joking about but I think she'd definitely jump him if she could. And yet her best offer is to come back to her place and she'll bake an "Angel Cake?" Maybe that's a British euphimism that goes over my head...

-Q is in full effect with silly gadgets galore.

-I hate golf but if I ever had to play I'd want Bond's caddy to help me out. He's good people.

-I like the old lady with the machine gun.

-Pussy Galore shows up. I know that Bond Girl names are always a bit out there but, really - how did this ever get past censors?

-C'mon Goldfinger! Why, oh why did you bring Bond with you to Kentucky? Worst. Move. Ever.

-Easily the most baffling scene in this, possibly any, Bond movie:

Goldfinger brings in mafia guys from around the country. He explains 90% of his plan in an elaborate audio-visual presentation which I wish I had at home. Then he kills them all. It's a good thing that WE now know what's going on - but I don't know why he told them...

The cherry on top is that he lets one of the mafia guys go and kills him in an even more elaborate way: Dropping his Lincoln Continental in a masher. With a bar of his gold that he then has to recover. WHY?

-I know Bond has never been PC but sometimes I'm forced to wonder if he's a borderline rapist. A chick fights him off - with judo and he throws her around and kisses her til she aquiesces.

I thought being a ladies' man required a more suave approach...

-He takes a lovely grey suit out of his suitcase on the plane. Doesn't even need to iron it. Then, when they go to Fort Knox he has a black one. He knows how to pack for any occasion. And, y'know, I STILL don't get why Goldfinger is hauling him around. Someone should take him to see The Departed - it turns out a single bullet to the head can kill a person just.like.that.

-I like that Goldfiger has an American army "disguise" to throw on but the golden gun is a bit of a giveaway, aint it??

-That hat weapon of Odd Job's is great for a single shot. not so good if you need to "reload." And two deaths-by-electocution in one film? Ouch. Or perhaps it's a theme? The filmmakers trying to make some comment on the abuse of power or something?

-So they switched the gas. That's clever. And it's impressive that they got 35,000 army personnel to play along perfectly. Just imagine if they'd like, stayed awake and the girls in the planes had just flown away instead of duping Goldfinger. Wouldn't that have thrown a wrench in his plans and kept the nuke out of Fort Knox? Why the elaborate ruse at that point?

And how come no one wondered where he disappeared to.

This is a rare 007 flick where the head guy gets the creative final death. Usually it's the lingering henchman...