Bond V - You Only Live Twice

Ah, the one where Bond is diguised as a Japanese person...we'll get to that.

-Where did they find these Mission Control actors? One guy keeps saying "Cape-com" instead of "Cap-com" and another guy contacts "Hooston."

-Bond's dead? Bummer. He gets a pretty elaborate fake funeral, however. This might be the least memorable Bond theme song ever.

-The screenplay is by Roald Dahl?? Really?

-Brits on submarines wear waist-high shorts and knee-high socks. Who knew?

-I'm disappointed that the door to M's submarine office isn't upholstered. Also, it's kinda silly that he tells Bond, "This is the big one," before sending him out.

-Sumo wrestling? Nice.

-There are lots of reasons to get a house that does not have paper walls.

-Tiger Tanaka is way cooler than Felix Leiter. He has a cooler name (natch), fancy digs (with girls who will bathe you) - he even has his own train. There's a bit of sexist talk (and hairy chest talk!) in the bath, but that's okay. At least Bond doesn't rape anyone this time.

-Tanaka has cool exploding cigarettes. Hmmm, I wonder if Bond will ask for an innocent last smoke at some point...

-In the first 5 movies, Bond has been offered or drunk 1953, '55, and '59 Dom Perignon.

-Disposing of a car with a helicopter and a massive magnet is cool, but not that efficient.

-Cool-ass shot of 007 fighting guys on a rooftop. Then he gets knocked out like a bitch.

-For the second time in two movies Bond scores with a redhead who wants to kill him. Why not? I don't understand why she takes him up in a plane to kill him...once again, a bullet will do, folks.

-Ah, Q! And he has the British issue shorts. And an ultra-neat gyrocopter called Little Nellie.
It's a cool gadget but Bond still looks stupid with the helmet on.

-Japan has some love scenery and volcanoes. But I don't understand why you can see palm trees in the launch of the Russian rocket.

-Blofeld's in da house! And he's got pirahnas!

-Ninja school! NINJAS! Why didn't you say there were ninjas? This Tanaka guy keeps getting cooler.

-So, they're gonna disguise Bond as a Japanese fellow and train him to be a ninja in two days. Hmmm...let's wait and see how it turns out.

-Just like I thought - he looks exactly like James Bond. His Japanese sounds okay, but with a Scots accent. The biggest change he (allegedly) underwent was having his chest hair shaved (with a lemon?). Inexplicably, it's grown back by the end of the movie. This was a bad idea, writers. You couldn't pull it off at all.

Mostly, 007 looks like a Romulan.

-Why is this chick (Hockey? Aki?) wearing a bikini and slippers for their many-mile hike up a volcano? Why are they both dressed in white?

-Blofeld has a REALLY nice lair. But now the ninjas are coming! Now what, tough guy?!

-Quelle surprise! Bond asks for a last smoke with his exploding cigarette. This won't end well for Team Blofeld.

-This is a big, long battle. Bond finally gets to the self destruct and he's damned lucky he didn't blow up the nearby capsule but...whatever.

-Just like the last movie, Bond ends up in a raft with a chick. This time, however, a sub pops up underneath. That's cool, I guess.

Bond IV - Thunderball

-The opening funeral is nice, especially the "That chick's a man, baby!" moment. And Bond throwing flowers on the corpse is a nice touch.

-A jetpack!! Niiiice! Still, hardly the best Bond opening.

-Tom Jones singing a song called "Thunderball" is rife with wonderfullness. Sometimes it must be tough to come up with a song that fits the movie's title but once you've figured out "Thunderball" you're probably on easy street.

-Ah, Blofeld is back. But no one's called him that yet, have they? Dude getting killed in his chair is another great Austin Powers bit.

-Bandage Man at the spa is oh so mysterious.

-I'm not sure about the spa lady leaving Bond alone on the spine stretching machine for so long. The only reason it makes any sense is because he totally assaulted her right before.

-There's a weird edit...they're showing the guys getting on the plane in the midst of which we see Bond massaging the chick with a mink glove.

We see the pilots get briefed, take off and then cut back to Bond, still giving the masssage. Weird.

-The bomber landing on water is cool and all the SCUBA stuff (and there's a lot of it!) is cool.

-I really like the room where the secret service guys are having their meeting. But I can't help but wonder why there is a 2-storey window allowing anyone to look in.

-I don't understand the game of "Banco" at all but I like the little paddle and the way the guy says, "Banco!"

-Domino is dubbed. Man, every film features some major character not using their actual voice. It's somewhat disconcerting. (I believe the chick doing Domino's voice is the same one who did Honey in Dr. No. Yeesh.)

-Another Felix Leiter. Probably a tough role to cast since he's basically Bond's step-n-fetch-it guy. Still, this dude is cooler than the last. He even wears his shades inside.

-The first of many cool underwater fights. Henchmen are so stupid.

-This whole movie the clock is ticking down but Bond always has time for a nice lunch or to make time with a lady. I also like how when Bond goes to Largo's they hang out and make small talk, both subtly acknowledging they know who the other guy is. This happens to James a lot.

Again, Evil Dudes: 1 bullet well-aimed = no more Bond.

-The sharks are a nice eeeevil touch.

-Damn, Bond has a nice, huge hotel room. And, once again, he's not too busy to fuck around with a naked chick even though he knows she's going to try to kill him right after. Then he says, "What I did, I did for King & Country." What a smoooothe mofo!

-Then a good henchman fight involving a "Judo chop!" and a zinger ("I think he got the point.") Still, a pretty cool fight for 1965.

-I already mentioned it but it is amazing how much SCUBA work they did.

-Hydrofoils are cool. Why don't we see more of these (in real life and movies!)

-My last note was that the plane was cool but looked damned dangerous...oh yeah - the best way out of the liferaft is getting pulled out of it by a plane while tied to a safety line. That looks dangerous...but exhilerating. If you're James Bond. By all rights he should have cut the line and snuggled with Domino a bit longer. That's usually his style.

Bond III - Goldfinger

-You know what probably really sucks? I'd hate to be Gerte Frobe and be at some party and some guy asks me to say, "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!" Because when I say it I won't sound like the guy in the movie cuz some dumbass producers overdubbed my Germanic voice.

Bastards.

-I went through a phase reading all the Bond books. My basic memory of that experience is that most of them bore little resemblance to the films.

-A lamp in a tub is a bad way to go. But dig that, Bond:

"Shocking!"

Zing!

-"Goooold-feeenger..." Now, that's a song. The model for all Bond songs to follow. Isn't it weird how they're all different but, like, the same. This would be #3 on my top Bond songs after "Live and Let Die" and, yes, "A View to a Kill." The latter is hard to separate musically from the video featuring "Bon, Simon le Bon."

-Sometimes, during these opening credit sequences, it's hard to tell what body part they're showing. I wonder if they ever got away with any thing nutty?

-Wow, that Felix Leiter guy aged poorly, eh? But seriously, the most annoying thing about these opening scenes is that Connery was doing some other movie so they couldn't get him to Miami. The result is that it's hugely obvious that they're standing in front of projection screens at the hotel pool. Lame.

-Only Bond could wear a terry cloth leisure suit and look kinda cool. And only he could get a massage from a girl inexplicably named "Dink."

-I know he's James Bond but he REALLY picked up that Jill Masterson chick fast. Real fast.

-Bond isn't as cool as he thinks. He says that drinking a '53 Dom Perignon warm would be like listening to the Beatles without earmuffs. Nice. Joke's on you, Bondie!

-So, a girl is killed. She's painted gold. She works for a guy named AURic GOLDfinger. I know Bond has bigger fish to fry but I'd like to think the Miami police might be able to crack this one. I mean, can't we take him in on murder charges?? If Goldfinger was smart he'd steal some platinum or something - no one would ever suspect.

Oh, and skin suffocation is a myth.

-Moneypenny is always trying to get Bond. I know there's some joking about but I think she'd definitely jump him if she could. And yet her best offer is to come back to her place and she'll bake an "Angel Cake?" Maybe that's a British euphimism that goes over my head...

-Q is in full effect with silly gadgets galore.

-I hate golf but if I ever had to play I'd want Bond's caddy to help me out. He's good people.

-I like the old lady with the machine gun.

-Pussy Galore shows up. I know that Bond Girl names are always a bit out there but, really - how did this ever get past censors?

-C'mon Goldfinger! Why, oh why did you bring Bond with you to Kentucky? Worst. Move. Ever.

-Easily the most baffling scene in this, possibly any, Bond movie:

Goldfinger brings in mafia guys from around the country. He explains 90% of his plan in an elaborate audio-visual presentation which I wish I had at home. Then he kills them all. It's a good thing that WE now know what's going on - but I don't know why he told them...

The cherry on top is that he lets one of the mafia guys go and kills him in an even more elaborate way: Dropping his Lincoln Continental in a masher. With a bar of his gold that he then has to recover. WHY?

-I know Bond has never been PC but sometimes I'm forced to wonder if he's a borderline rapist. A chick fights him off - with judo and he throws her around and kisses her til she aquiesces.

I thought being a ladies' man required a more suave approach...

-He takes a lovely grey suit out of his suitcase on the plane. Doesn't even need to iron it. Then, when they go to Fort Knox he has a black one. He knows how to pack for any occasion. And, y'know, I STILL don't get why Goldfinger is hauling him around. Someone should take him to see The Departed - it turns out a single bullet to the head can kill a person just.like.that.

-I like that Goldfiger has an American army "disguise" to throw on but the golden gun is a bit of a giveaway, aint it??

-That hat weapon of Odd Job's is great for a single shot. not so good if you need to "reload." And two deaths-by-electocution in one film? Ouch. Or perhaps it's a theme? The filmmakers trying to make some comment on the abuse of power or something?

-So they switched the gas. That's clever. And it's impressive that they got 35,000 army personnel to play along perfectly. Just imagine if they'd like, stayed awake and the girls in the planes had just flown away instead of duping Goldfinger. Wouldn't that have thrown a wrench in his plans and kept the nuke out of Fort Knox? Why the elaborate ruse at that point?

And how come no one wondered where he disappeared to.

This is a rare 007 flick where the head guy gets the creative final death. Usually it's the lingering henchman...

Bond II: From Russia With Love

-Now, that's more like it.
I won't be able to sustain this pace but I've finished film #2 anyway.

-First, there's a pre-credit sequence and gun-barrel intro. The latter features a dude who is obviously not Connery (it's a stuntman) but progress noentheless.

Also, I see why it works for us (the viewers) but why does the dude learning to kill James Bond have to kill a guy that actually looks like James Bond?

This irks me in much the same way it irks me that Tony Danza always plays guys named "Tony."

-Robert Shaw kicks ass. Since I'm so used to him from Jaws, he's just particularly cool. Damn.

-More rich Austin Powers stuff. Blofeld and his cat (natch), Rosa Kelb/Frau Farbissene and the calling of people #3, #5 etc.

-Also, I'm pretty sure there is a lesbian subtext going on in the Kleb-Tatiana scene. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

-I've wondered this before but...why is Moneypenny American? No one mentioned, it's never explained. She is the personal assistant of the head of the British Secret Service, for gawds sake! (And a dirty wicked flirt, y'all!)

-It's Q! They don't call him Q but it's major progress.

The amazing thing about Q is he always PRECISELY anticipates 007's needs. Bond never reaches for a belt buckle that turns into a laser when he needs a can of shaving cream that turns into a car. No -he never has anything left unused either. Nice.

-This film has belly dancing! Then it turns into a gypsy catfight! Can you ASK for more? I must admit, I don't remember all this gypsy stuff at all. It's amazing, frankly, how consistently non-PC Bond is.

-Why did it take them so long to figure out how to make movie blood? It's DARK red people! Why is that so hard?

-Pedro Armendariz is really great. It makes it all the more depressing to read that he had cancer (from filming some movie near nuclear test sites) so they filmed his scenes early on. Then he committed suicide.

-Robert Shaw will be first, not the last, to explain WAY to much to Bond before (not) killing him. Jackass. And "Old Man?" Really?

-The train fight rocks and remains one of the best scenes in any Bond flick. It's the cool lighting, the ferocity...the only minus is that ends quickly. The close-quarters fight in Kill Bill must go on for 10 minutes and this is maybe 2. Maybe.

-Goldfinger's next. Cool. The only film I haven't seen AT ALL is the Lazenby one and it's not toooo far away. I've even seen the original Casino Royale and I heartily reccomend you avoid it at all costs. I don't know how they could have a movie with people like Woody Allen, Peter Sellers and Orson Welles and make it suck so very hard...but they did.

(I could go on! David Niven, John Huston, William Holden, Deborah Kerr....)

I can't think of a single film - or artistic endeavour of ANY kind - that has such a high talent/suckage ratio.

Blogging Bond - Part 1

This seems as good a use for this blog as anything - I am now, slowly but surely, making my way through all the 007 movies in sequence.
Now, I've seen them all before. Most of them more than once. Most of them not in years. So this should be illuminating.
Our first experience, natch, is Dr. No.
Here are notes, in no particular order, gleaned from viewing:

-I'm not sure what exactly Dr. No was trying to do. He explained it, I think, but I didn't get it. I did get that he has metal hands and a killer aquarium. Something to do with a rocket? World domination, maybe?

-These movies are harder to watch once you've seen Austin Powers. What the HECK are those radiation suits?

-One gets the sense that Ian Fleming was not a huge fan of "natives" in the colonies, nor "women." Witness Quarrel's constant rum drinking and his inability to recognize a tire track for what it is.

-"The Dragon." So...Dr. No has some kinda truck that breathes fire and is painted like a shark and the natives think it's a dragon. Okay...Now, what exactly does this thing DO? It's not explained...all we know is that the swamp is toxic and that may (or may not) be because the Dragon burned it.

-And if Dr. No is so dangerous that most people won't even sail nearby, why does Ursula Andress go there to collect shells? Is there no better location?

-Crab Quay is really pretty. I'd vacation there.

-Funniest Scene: Bond, Honey and Quarrel are hiding behind a sand dune while Dr. No's henchmen (in a boat) are off-shore asking them to come out. He's actually trying the ol "come out and we won't
hurt you" thing. Then he just gives up. "you won't
come out? Fine. We'll be back though! You just wait!
If only we could come ashore you'd be in BIIIIG
trouble!"
Also, dude's voice sounds like he's talking through a megaphone even after he puts it down.

-Second Funniest Scene: The car chase. Connery is SO obviously in front of a screen during the cuts to him it really takes you out of the scene. It seems unfair to pick on the FX but I wonder if this played even in 1962. Sometimes the enhanced resolution on DVD actually reveals things you couldn't see before.

-Bond is awesome. Even if he knows a chick tried to kill him and even if she has already called the dudes to come and try again, he'll still fuck her.

-I can't believe Bond fell for the, "Have a drink of tea...I SWEAR it's not drugged or anything" trick. Tsk tsk.

-Never once in my life has someone introduced themselves and then asked me my name in such a way that would allow me to say my last name first a la "Bond, James Bond." But it happens to this guy ALL. THE. TIME.

DID YOU KNOW?
-Ursula Andress' voice was "too continental" so all her dialogue was dubbed.
-In this, and EVERY SINGLE Bond movie he was in, Connery is wearing a toupee. That sound is your testosterone dribbling out into the ether.
-Dr. No does not have an opening action sequence. It barely has action sequences at all, in fact. But the whole pre-credits thing is not established yet. Still, all the raw ingredients are there.

SPECIAL NOTE:
Bond gets his martini mixed, not shaken here.
Still, if you get your martini mixed/shaken instead of stirred and you are not James Bond, you are a pussy. (Aside from the fact that you're obviously copying him, shaking reduces the amount of alcohol.)
See Daniel Craig's recent, "Do I look like I care?" reaction to how he wants his martini blended.

Even better - go get a martini like the one Craig ordered in Casino Royale. It'll be cool for a bit longer.

Vesper
Makes 1 large cocktail
1/2 part Lillet Blanc
3 parts Gordon’s gin
1 part vodka
1 lemon twist
Pour the Lillet, gin and vodka into a shaker part-filled with ice. Shake and then strain into a large martini glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.