The Fleischmarket

Bond IX (finally) - The Man with the Golden Gun

2007-06-28T22:17:00.000-04:00

Let's try to pick up the pace again, shall we?

Ah, The Man With the Golden Gun.

-Can I start by saying how cool Christopher Lee is? Not only is he Ian Fleming's cousin, a WWII special forces officer and a great Dracula, he played major bad dudes in a 007 movie AND Lord of the Rings AND Star Wars. Yeah, that's a cool dude. (Even if he is forced to where a superfluous 3rd nipple in this flick.)
-I hate to say it but whenever I see Herve Villechez I think of the "little breather" joke in Airplane! I hope it isn't shit like that that drove him to kill himself. He's most amusing here.

-The opening of this flick is a bit much in that the funhouse seems a little over the top. So does the lifesize Bond dummy that dude shoots to get his rocks off.

-Is the theme song (by Lulu!) the worst Bond theme song ever? Maybe.

-You can tell they didn't break the bank on the sets for "Beirut" which is just Bond in a club dressing room. On the other hand, they have a hydrofoil and that's cool. Do people still drive hydrofoils and hovercrafts?

-Bond isn't shy about slapping a chick around if he needs to but a mere glass of champagne can turn any situation into loooove, apparently.

-The base hidden in the sunken Queen Elizabeth is a pretty damned clever gag. Still, I don't understand the elaborate ruse to get Bond there. I guess it creates "suspense" or something.

-"Chew Me" walks the fine line between stupid and clever. The PG nudity is nice, though. It's a shame that Bond goes to the trouble of getting a fake 3rd nipple and it's all for naught.

-The whole Karate School sequence, including the tough school girls is a bit hokey, methinks. On the other hand, it leads directly to the boat chase in which we rencounter one JW Pepper (see comments in Live and Let Die below). I wonder how huge he was at the time that they needed to bring him back...?

-Kickboxing, of course, is the sport of the future. So it's nice to see it here and it's a damned shame Maud Adams misses the show. It's not that I can't believe Scaramanga would kill her - I just don't know how she could be dead and be sitting with her eyes wide open so no one even notices.

-The single most unintentionally funny bit in this (or any?) Bond movie is when Scaramanga says, "When I was a boy I grew up in the circus. My only real friend was an African bull elephant."

-The Pepper car chase in the AMC muscle cars might be the most improbable chase scene in a Bond movie and that's going one. It's a shame they ruined one of the most impressive car stunts ever with a pennywhistle sound effect.

-Now we've got a flying plane AND the Red Chinese! This can't end well, can it?

-How come Bond flies to a remote beach island and not only wears a suit but a rather horrible plaid jacket?

-Scarmanga might think it's cool to shoot the cork off a bottle of Dom Perignon but now there's nothing to frickin drink!

-Oh, here we are. The bit where explains a lot. I like the whole idea that he's going to corner the market on solar power. We're not at Moonraker yet but we're getting close to sci fi...

-Everyone was having a really nice lunch together until Bond had to ruin it by saying Scaramanga was full of shit. Not cool, man.

-Kra is THE worst Bond Henchman ever. I mean all he does is run the solar power plant, leer at Goodnight a couple of times and get killed. What a useless tit. (He is redeemed slightly by the newly-acquired knowledge that the same actor played the Mongolian who almost kills Indy in Marion's bar in Raiders...)

-The funroom is neither a fair nor mature way of disposing of other people. Most puzzling is how Bond impersonated his own wax dummy by somehow finding the time to put on a jacket, do up his collar and put on a tie AND hide the dummy. And, as soon as he's done, he changes back. What's up with that?

-007 knows a lot more about phsyics, solar power and electricity generation than I previously gave him credit for. I mean, "There must be a scanner interlock button!"?? The guy actually KNOWS that once a human being falls into a pool of liquid helium you only have five minutes until it becomes unstable?
Come on!

-Leaving the phone off the hook so M can here him sexify his partner is kinda kinky.

Next up is the Spy Who Loved Me, rumoured to be the best Moore Bond movie. I remember the submarine car and not much else so we shall see....

Bond VIII - Live and Let Die

2007-03-09T09:38:00.000-05:00

Firstly it is incumbent upon me to mention the new "scientific" study declaring that Connery is the "best" Bond.

I kinda think the picture likes most like Lazenby but, whatever.
Basically my conclusion thus far is that all the Bonds have their great and weak moments. Connery got there first and therefore he is the standard by which all others are judged.

Which brings us to Roger Moore's first try. Off the top I'll say that most of the problems with this film have to do with it aiming a bit low, and with Moore himself. It shows signs of better things to come. I should also toss out that the DVD has a rather funny British milk commercial, ("Pick up a pinto!") showing the cast and crew of the new 007 flick sipping milk. The extras also make mention of how Burt Reynolds nearly got cast in the part.

-The cold open is a real series of "What the fucks?" since Bond isn't even in the whole thing. It's three guys getting snuffed, albeit in creative ways: UN earbomb, New Orleans funeral march and (of course) Voodoo Snake Guy. Luckily all this confusion leads into THE BEST BOND SONG EVER.

-Bond has some nice digs. He even has an espresso machine. The initial difference one picks up between Connery and Moore is that Connery (and Daniel Craig, I'd add) seems like a street tough who learned to be suave as cover while he's kicking ass. Moore seems like he's a suave guy who learned to kick ass...

-Man, it's ANOTHER Felix Leiter. How is it possible that I never before realized what a useless douchebag he is? Has he ever been played by the same guy twice? It's nice to know that the CIA has a black guy on call for missions like this (ie where the bad guys are all black) but I'm still wondering: Where is the FBI? It's this kind of territoriality that lead to the 9/11 intelligence failures.
(Trivia: this dude actually played Leiter again! Sure, it was 25 years later but still...points for effort.)

-I like the white pimpmobile (not necessarily the best vehicle for a subtle getaway) and I love the young, smiley Yaphet Kotto.
It's impressive that every black person in New York City seems to be working as part of this smuggling op and helping tail Bond. Bond in Harlem is a good idea for a movie...but they had throw in the voodoo sutff.

-"Names is for tombstones, baby," is clearly the best ever response to, "My name is Bond. James Bond."

-It's also worth noting that for all the bitching about Daniel Craig beyond "the blonde Bond," Moore's hair is awful close. Unlike Connery at least these guys HAVE real hair. Sorry, Sean.

-Holy shit! The Voodoo guys recruited the laughing guy from the 7-Up commercials! This is devastating news. IT's frickin PUNJAB, people!

Did you know he's a Tony winning director AND he narrated Tim Burton's Charlie and The Chocolate Factory?
That's CRAZY!

-Bond's got spray-on aftershave, a monstrous cigar and tells chicks things like, "We can lick you into shape." He's still got it.

-Depending on your point-of-view Quarrel Jr. is either a cute throwback or rather pointless. All I know is that Rosie looks pretty good with a bikini and a gun and I admire Bond's iterracial tendencies. It's almost as admirable as his desire to screw women who he knows will try to kill him after.

-In addition the aforementioned hydrofoils and hovercrafts, I want to on record saying that movies need more handgliding. It's one of the more absurd things we, as a species, have come up with.

-The tarot cards show nookie and therefore Bond must bed Solitaire. For the second time since Connery left, Bond has scored with two different chicks in one day.

-I believe the first "Holy shit!" in a Bond movie goes to the old lady taking flying lessons.

-Crocodiles are ugly creatures but if you know you're killing Bond with the crocs...why not just toss him in? Why the drama?

-The bayou boat chase is cool and the fx have improved the point where we can see Moore actually driving a racing boat as opposed to seeing Connery pretending he's driving a car in front of a movie screen.

-Ah, it's Sherrif Pepper! He's damned funny...and kinda doing his own wacky thing.
Here are some odd facts about Clifton James, who has been in a billion things. He's from New York, not the south. A look at his credits shows that he has played similar sherrif parts many times, most prominently in Superman II where, as far as I can tell, he was the exact same character. Despite the fact that Sherrif JW Pepper mostly seems to be in some other movie (albeit an amusing one, perhaps Dukes of Hazard) he will (unlike Felix Leiter) return for a cameo in The Man With the Golden Gun. The important thing to know about the sherrif is that he calls EVERYONE "boy," not just black people. When he says to "Call Billy Bob!" you know things are getting good.

-Bond has apparently traded in his li'l Walther PPK for a full-on magnum. Perhaps the producers thought Dirty Harry was making Bond look like a sissy?

-I kinda like Kananga. He has a sense of humour and he smiles a lot. But then he stupidly explains how his lame heroin smuggling op works and lets me down. Then instead of stabbing Bond in the stomach and tossing him in with the sharks he gives him three cuts on the arm and lets him wait for the sharks. I wonder how THIS will end. Oh, and Kanagnga - shark tanks are soooo 1965.

-Making Kananga turn into a balloon and blow up is cool, weird and distrubing at the same time.

-The guy with the metal hand, like his boss, has a cheery disposition when he's at work. This may be the first (but certainly not the last!) time the henchman outlives his master and wreaks havoc when it looks like everything is okay.

-"I was being disarming" is an appropriate and amusing line for dispensing with roboman. Phew, the world is safe.
But wait...PUNJAB IS ON THE BACK OF THE TRAIN!!! HE'S LAUGHING!!! EVILLLY?
(Ed note: This does not pay off in any future Bond movies but as Mr. Carver is still quite active I would HIGHLY reccomend that he be included in the next Daniel Craig film.)

Bond VII - Diamonds are Forever

2007-03-01T20:32:00.000-05:00

-Choking a chick with her own bra is just plain cold.

-I know the Bond films aren't really sequential but they really should have made some reference to his dead wife (I know it happens in a later film).

-Blofeld is not just a different actor but nearly a different character. Is it because he had plastic surgery? This is a bit unclear in the opening (the entirety of which is given away in the film's trailer, btw). Man, he doesn't even have the same kind of cigarette hold as Savalas. Plus it's distracting that he's the guy from Rocky Horror.

-I've always been amused by these guys, Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. (And I found out that Putter Smith who plays Kidd was a musician who played on tracks like "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." Really. OH, and Wint is Bruce Glover whose son is Crispin Glover!) They're creepy and a bit comedic but...well, I like em.

-On the other hand, Kidd makes a remark about how Jill St. John is attractive "for a lady" and I'm not clear if he's, like, gay or what. I think that's the deal.

-As for Jill St. John, they're pushing the envelope with her walking around in bra and panties. Then Bond says something about not minding hair colour as long as "the collar matches the cuffs" and takes it further. It's as about as edgy as Bond films get in terms of sex.

-Man, I LOVE Bond's kissy trick! If you've seen the film, you know what I mean.

-Again, the uselessness that is Felix Leiter. If Bond didn't introduce him you'd never know.

-The diamond extraction is convoluted if ingenious...still, Bond gambled a bit on being able to get out of that coffin.

-The whole Plenty O'Toole bit is amusing, including the bit where the mobsters throw her out a window and then admit, "I had no idea there was a pool there."

-It's Circus Circus! All shiny and new! Its mere presence in a Bond movie suggests that it's a classy joint but it's the most frightening place in Vegas. Almost 40 years ago Hunter Thompson said it's "what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war." And it's gone downhill since then.

-Why is the CIA operating in the USA? I'm pretty sure it's outside of their mandate. Does Leiter even know the FBI exists?

-Bond stole my clipboard trick! My three golden rules are:

1) Taking a clipboard will always make you look busy

2) WD40 can loosen anything

3) Duct tape can secure anything

-The moonbuggy escape is pushing things.

-Jill St. John is cute and fills out a bikini but, um, not the strongest actress.

-Wow, it's Blofeld! Two Blofelds! He doesn't explain everything to Bond which is progress but why the elaborate murder? He could shoot him. Instead he puts him in an elevator, gasses him, has him trucked out to the desert; he remains passed out long enough for the pipe he's dumped in to be lifted, secured and buried as part of a watermain or something. He gets awoken by some unexplained pipe-cleaning robot. Nice one, Blofeld! No wonder you never win, asshole.

-A pink tie? Dude - you're JAMES BOND.

-Ah, Bambi and Thumper. I guess because of the PG they cut away when Bambi knees him in the nuts. Really, I'm not entirely clear what they're doing...guarding Willard Whyte?

-Now, this Whyte guy is established as a Howard Hughes-type recluse which is why Blofeld can take over for him with no one wondering anything. But, aside from being a bit of a blowhard, he seems like a normal guy. Oh, and a hammy actor.

-I can't believe Q is cheating in the casino. Uncool, man.

-Dear lord - Blofeld in DRAG? The he explains his plan AND falls for the ol switcheroo trick. This guy DESERVES to get his ass kicked by Bond.

-His li'l escape submarine is a great idea - if only he didn't need to rely on someone to pick it up on a crane and drop it. By the way, henchmen: When the boss heads for the escape submarine, that's the time for you to stop fighting.

-Oh, and isn't this oil rig in Baja? In Mexico? Being attacked by US Marines? I see an international incident here.

-Ah, the demise of Kidd and Wint. The improv with the skewers would have been admirable but for the fire...I guess that's better than going with a bomb tied between your legs. Oh, well.

So long, Connery! Next stop: Roger Moore! Voodoo-style!

Bond VI - On Her Majesty's Secret Service

2007-03-01T20:07:00.000-05:00

This is the one Bond film I've never seen so there will be more notes. One predictable Bond thing is that the movies get too gadgety and then reset. So this more straightforward movie was a bit necessary after the borderline silliness of You Only Live Twice.

Before watching the film I watched a bit of the DVD extras to hear about the Connery/Lazenby thing.
Not only is Lazenby an Australian who played a Brit, he now has an American accent. He sounds a lot like Mel Gibson and is a handsome gent. Heck, he wasn't even an actor before OHMSS and, well, he seems like an awful genial fellow given the flack he took.
It's worth bearing in mind that while the film didn't do as well as the Connery flicks it was still a box office success.

Anyway:
-The opening theme is a bit groovier. During the opening they take their time showing his face, keeping him in sillhouette mostly. My first impression is that Lazenby is a leaner, suaver guy...doesn't seem dangerous, per se. But he fights okay.

-Two oddities during the opening are the wonky day-for-night shooting and the car making a brake screech when it stops on the sandy beach.
And, of course, the big third oddity which is Bond losing the girl, looking at the camera and saying, "This never happened to the other guy." It's a bit on the nose but they pull it off okay.
-You can always tell a classy casino by the purple wallpaper. (And they're playing my fave game - "BANCO!" which I think is just baccarat.)

You can also tell, throughout this film, that it's 1969. The peculiar fashions are creeping in around the edges. Witness Bond's silly, frilly tux shirt which will eventually be followed by an odd Austin Powersy getup/kilt.

-Diana Rigg, who I really only know from The Great Muppet Caper is a heck of a looker.

-Her character's father is pretty messed though. I gather this from the fact that he tells Bond that his daughter, "Needs someone to make love to her, to dominate her!" And from the fact that, later on, he will punch her and knock her out. No hard feelings, however.

-Bond almost resigns! He and M need to communicate better. They're both lucky to have Moneypenny around.

-The opening theme, by the way, had no lyrics. Given the film's title that was probably a smart choice. Now, however, we get a Louis Armstrong love song (nice) and a lovey montage (weird).
-Bond's safecracking machine is the only gadget in the movie. Plus he steals a Playboy. Slick.

-I had no idea M collected butterflies. What a sissy.

-The alpine scenery in this flick is as gorgeous as in any Bond movie so far. Overall this seems to be the most cinematic so far with some nice camera work, purty shots and even a li'l flashback.

-Blofeld's lair, Piz Gloria is cool too. Apparently it's actually a resaturant that let them film there when they proimsed to finish building it. It's STILL a restaurant and they kept the Piz Gloria name.
-There are about 20 hot girls (each a cultural stereotype) in Blofeld's lair and they all think that Bond (in disguise!) is gay. So he hooks up with the Brit chick who, with all due respect, is the least-hot one there. Luckily he makes up for this by making two double entendres (one about having four gold balls and another about some stiffness coming on) and then by screwing a second chick on the same night. Take THAT Connery!

-Blofeld! Finally! And it's...Telly Savalas? This is probably the only time I've seen that guy ACT. Mostly he's just a joke. And he's not bad. He's not a cartoony creep like Donald Pleasance was - plus he smokes his ciggies in this cool, European way. He doesn't seem very EEEVIL but that's okay.

-After Bond gets knocked out there is a weird montage that could only have been filmed between 1969 and, say, 1972. Then he wakes up, makes a daring, sweet escape and gets into a nice smackdown of a fight.

-Skiing that fast at night is dangerous. Luckily they're in front of a bluescreen. The skiing footage here is about as cool as the SCUBA footage in Thunderball. Well done. Bond even invents the snowboard when one of his skis is broken.

-I just drove in a winter storm so the whole smashup derby on ice seems a bit redundant, but it's well done. All of the action here is. It's enough, in general, that you really don't miss Connery.
-Bond proposes - showing how truly whipped he is. I already know that it doesn't end well (it's the one thing I know about this film).

-I like that Blofeld goes in with the troops and if the avalanche he triggers seems a bit much, at least it looks cool. That doesn't excuse him missing a wide open shot at Bond back in his lair, however.

-I can't believe that dude has a bobsled run for escaping! If there's something more dangerous than skiing at night it's driving a bobsled and turning around to shoot someone. Asking for trouble, I tell ya.

-The wedding is nice but then...she gets killed. And the director cut the takes where Lazenby cried (chickens!). I knew she died but I can't believe that's how it ENDS. Damn, that's harsh.
-Luckily, I've checked ahead and by the beginning of the next film (with Connery) he's over it.

-Overall, Lazenby did a great job. Another film or two and he could have been a very solid Bond. He got a bum rap and whatever his flaws it's lame they went back to Connery who (I'm guessing) just did it for the money.

Bond V - You Only Live Twice

2007-02-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

Ah, the one where Bond is diguised as a Japanese person...we'll get to that.

-Where did they find these Mission Control actors? One guy keeps saying "Cape-com" instead of "Cap-com" and another guy contacts "Hooston."

-Bond's dead? Bummer. He gets a pretty elaborate fake funeral, however. This might be the least memorable Bond theme song ever.

-The screenplay is by Roald Dahl?? Really?

-Brits on submarines wear waist-high shorts and knee-high socks. Who knew?

-I'm disappointed that the door to M's submarine office isn't upholstered. Also, it's kinda silly that he tells Bond, "This is the big one," before sending him out.

-Sumo wrestling? Nice.

-There are lots of reasons to get a house that does not have paper walls.

-Tiger Tanaka is way cooler than Felix Leiter. He has a cooler name (natch), fancy digs (with girls who will bathe you) - he even has his own train. There's a bit of sexist talk (and hairy chest talk!) in the bath, but that's okay. At least Bond doesn't rape anyone this time.

-Tanaka has cool exploding cigarettes. Hmmm, I wonder if Bond will ask for an innocent last smoke at some point...

-In the first 5 movies, Bond has been offered or drunk 1953, '55, and '59 Dom Perignon.

-Disposing of a car with a helicopter and a massive magnet is cool, but not that efficient.

-Cool-ass shot of 007 fighting guys on a rooftop. Then he gets knocked out like a bitch.

-For the second time in two movies Bond scores with a redhead who wants to kill him. Why not? I don't understand why she takes him up in a plane to kill him...once again, a bullet will do, folks.

-Ah, Q! And he has the British issue shorts. And an ultra-neat gyrocopter called Little Nellie.
It's a cool gadget but Bond still looks stupid with the helmet on.

-Japan has some love scenery and volcanoes. But I don't understand why you can see palm trees in the launch of the Russian rocket.

-Blofeld's in da house! And he's got pirahnas!

-Ninja school! NINJAS! Why didn't you say there were ninjas? This Tanaka guy keeps getting cooler.

-So, they're gonna disguise Bond as a Japanese fellow and train him to be a ninja in two days. Hmmm...let's wait and see how it turns out.

-Just like I thought - he looks exactly like James Bond. His Japanese sounds okay, but with a Scots accent. The biggest change he (allegedly) underwent was having his chest hair shaved (with a lemon?). Inexplicably, it's grown back by the end of the movie. This was a bad idea, writers. You couldn't pull it off at all.

Mostly, 007 looks like a Romulan.

-Why is this chick (Hockey? Aki?) wearing a bikini and slippers for their many-mile hike up a volcano? Why are they both dressed in white?

-Blofeld has a REALLY nice lair. But now the ninjas are coming! Now what, tough guy?!

-Quelle surprise! Bond asks for a last smoke with his exploding cigarette. This won't end well for Team Blofeld.

-This is a big, long battle. Bond finally gets to the self destruct and he's damned lucky he didn't blow up the nearby capsule but...whatever.

-Just like the last movie, Bond ends up in a raft with a chick. This time, however, a sub pops up underneath. That's cool, I guess.

Bond IV - Thunderball

2007-02-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

-The opening funeral is nice, especially the "That chick's a man, baby!" moment. And Bond throwing flowers on the corpse is a nice touch.

-A jetpack!! Niiiice! Still, hardly the best Bond opening.

-Tom Jones singing a song called "Thunderball" is rife with wonderfullness. Sometimes it must be tough to come up with a song that fits the movie's title but once you've figured out "Thunderball" you're probably on easy street.

-Ah, Blofeld is back. But no one's called him that yet, have they? Dude getting killed in his chair is another great Austin Powers bit.

-Bandage Man at the spa is oh so mysterious.

-I'm not sure about the spa lady leaving Bond alone on the spine stretching machine for so long. The only reason it makes any sense is because he totally assaulted her right before.

-There's a weird edit...they're showing the guys getting on the plane in the midst of which we see Bond massaging the chick with a mink glove.

We see the pilots get briefed, take off and then cut back to Bond, still giving the masssage. Weird.

-The bomber landing on water is cool and all the SCUBA stuff (and there's a lot of it!) is cool.

-I really like the room where the secret service guys are having their meeting. But I can't help but wonder why there is a 2-storey window allowing anyone to look in.

-I don't understand the game of "Banco" at all but I like the little paddle and the way the guy says, "Banco!"

-Domino is dubbed. Man, every film features some major character not using their actual voice. It's somewhat disconcerting. (I believe the chick doing Domino's voice is the same one who did Honey in Dr. No. Yeesh.)

-Another Felix Leiter. Probably a tough role to cast since he's basically Bond's step-n-fetch-it guy. Still, this dude is cooler than the last. He even wears his shades inside.

-The first of many cool underwater fights. Henchmen are so stupid.

-This whole movie the clock is ticking down but Bond always has time for a nice lunch or to make time with a lady. I also like how when Bond goes to Largo's they hang out and make small talk, both subtly acknowledging they know who the other guy is. This happens to James a lot.

Again, Evil Dudes: 1 bullet well-aimed = no more Bond.

-The sharks are a nice eeeevil touch.

-Damn, Bond has a nice, huge hotel room. And, once again, he's not too busy to fuck around with a naked chick even though he knows she's going to try to kill him right after. Then he says, "What I did, I did for King & Country." What a smoooothe mofo!

-Then a good henchman fight involving a "Judo chop!" and a zinger ("I think he got the point.") Still, a pretty cool fight for 1965.

-I already mentioned it but it is amazing how much SCUBA work they did.

-Hydrofoils are cool. Why don't we see more of these (in real life and movies!)

-My last note was that the plane was cool but looked damned dangerous...oh yeah - the best way out of the liferaft is getting pulled out of it by a plane while tied to a safety line. That looks dangerous...but exhilerating. If you're James Bond. By all rights he should have cut the line and snuggled with Domino a bit longer. That's usually his style.

Bond III - Goldfinger

2007-02-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

-You know what probably really sucks? I'd hate to be Gerte Frobe and be at some party and some guy asks me to say, "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!" Because when I say it I won't sound like the guy in the movie cuz some dumbass producers overdubbed my Germanic voice.

Bastards.

-I went through a phase reading all the Bond books. My basic memory of that experience is that most of them bore little resemblance to the films.

-A lamp in a tub is a bad way to go. But dig that, Bond:

"Shocking!"

Zing!

-"Goooold-feeenger..." Now, that's a song. The model for all Bond songs to follow. Isn't it weird how they're all different but, like, the same. This would be #3 on my top Bond songs after "Live and Let Die" and, yes, "A View to a Kill." The latter is hard to separate musically from the video featuring "Bon, Simon le Bon."

-Sometimes, during these opening credit sequences, it's hard to tell what body part they're showing. I wonder if they ever got away with any thing nutty?

-Wow, that Felix Leiter guy aged poorly, eh? But seriously, the most annoying thing about these opening scenes is that Connery was doing some other movie so they couldn't get him to Miami. The result is that it's hugely obvious that they're standing in front of projection screens at the hotel pool. Lame.

-Only Bond could wear a terry cloth leisure suit and look kinda cool. And only he could get a massage from a girl inexplicably named "Dink."

-I know he's James Bond but he REALLY picked up that Jill Masterson chick fast. Real fast.

-Bond isn't as cool as he thinks. He says that drinking a '53 Dom Perignon warm would be like listening to the Beatles without earmuffs. Nice. Joke's on you, Bondie!

-So, a girl is killed. She's painted gold. She works for a guy named AURic GOLDfinger. I know Bond has bigger fish to fry but I'd like to think the Miami police might be able to crack this one. I mean, can't we take him in on murder charges?? If Goldfinger was smart he'd steal some platinum or something - no one would ever suspect.

Oh, and skin suffocation is a myth.

-Moneypenny is always trying to get Bond. I know there's some joking about but I think she'd definitely jump him if she could. And yet her best offer is to come back to her place and she'll bake an "Angel Cake?" Maybe that's a British euphimism that goes over my head...

-Q is in full effect with silly gadgets galore.

-I hate golf but if I ever had to play I'd want Bond's caddy to help me out. He's good people.

-I like the old lady with the machine gun.

-Pussy Galore shows up. I know that Bond Girl names are always a bit out there but, really - how did this ever get past censors?

-C'mon Goldfinger! Why, oh why did you bring Bond with you to Kentucky? Worst. Move. Ever.

-Easily the most baffling scene in this, possibly any, Bond movie:

Goldfinger brings in mafia guys from around the country. He explains 90% of his plan in an elaborate audio-visual presentation which I wish I had at home. Then he kills them all. It's a good thing that WE now know what's going on - but I don't know why he told them...

The cherry on top is that he lets one of the mafia guys go and kills him in an even more elaborate way: Dropping his Lincoln Continental in a masher. With a bar of his gold that he then has to recover. WHY?

-I know Bond has never been PC but sometimes I'm forced to wonder if he's a borderline rapist. A chick fights him off - with judo and he throws her around and kisses her til she aquiesces.

I thought being a ladies' man required a more suave approach...

-He takes a lovely grey suit out of his suitcase on the plane. Doesn't even need to iron it. Then, when they go to Fort Knox he has a black one. He knows how to pack for any occasion. And, y'know, I STILL don't get why Goldfinger is hauling him around. Someone should take him to see The Departed - it turns out a single bullet to the head can kill a person just.like.that.

-I like that Goldfiger has an American army "disguise" to throw on but the golden gun is a bit of a giveaway, aint it??

-That hat weapon of Odd Job's is great for a single shot. not so good if you need to "reload." And two deaths-by-electocution in one film? Ouch. Or perhaps it's a theme? The filmmakers trying to make some comment on the abuse of power or something?

-So they switched the gas. That's clever. And it's impressive that they got 35,000 army personnel to play along perfectly. Just imagine if they'd like, stayed awake and the girls in the planes had just flown away instead of duping Goldfinger. Wouldn't that have thrown a wrench in his plans and kept the nuke out of Fort Knox? Why the elaborate ruse at that point?

And how come no one wondered where he disappeared to.

This is a rare 007 flick where the head guy gets the creative final death. Usually it's the lingering henchman...

Bond II: From Russia With Love

2007-02-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

-Now, that's more like it.
I won't be able to sustain this pace but I've finished film #2 anyway.

-First, there's a pre-credit sequence and gun-barrel intro. The latter features a dude who is obviously not Connery (it's a stuntman) but progress noentheless.

Also, I see why it works for us (the viewers) but why does the dude learning to kill James Bond have to kill a guy that actually looks like James Bond?

This irks me in much the same way it irks me that Tony Danza always plays guys named "Tony."

-Robert Shaw kicks ass. Since I'm so used to him from Jaws, he's just particularly cool. Damn.

-More rich Austin Powers stuff. Blofeld and his cat (natch), Rosa Kelb/Frau Farbissene and the calling of people #3, #5 etc.

-Also, I'm pretty sure there is a lesbian subtext going on in the Kleb-Tatiana scene. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

-I've wondered this before but...why is Moneypenny American? No one mentioned, it's never explained. She is the personal assistant of the head of the British Secret Service, for gawds sake! (And a dirty wicked flirt, y'all!)

-It's Q! They don't call him Q but it's major progress.

The amazing thing about Q is he always PRECISELY anticipates 007's needs. Bond never reaches for a belt buckle that turns into a laser when he needs a can of shaving cream that turns into a car. No -he never has anything left unused either. Nice.

-This film has belly dancing! Then it turns into a gypsy catfight! Can you ASK for more? I must admit, I don't remember all this gypsy stuff at all. It's amazing, frankly, how consistently non-PC Bond is.

-Why did it take them so long to figure out how to make movie blood? It's DARK red people! Why is that so hard?

-Pedro Armendariz is really great. It makes it all the more depressing to read that he had cancer (from filming some movie near nuclear test sites) so they filmed his scenes early on. Then he committed suicide.

-Robert Shaw will be first, not the last, to explain WAY to much to Bond before (not) killing him. Jackass. And "Old Man?" Really?

-The train fight rocks and remains one of the best scenes in any Bond flick. It's the cool lighting, the ferocity...the only minus is that ends quickly. The close-quarters fight in Kill Bill must go on for 10 minutes and this is maybe 2. Maybe.

-Goldfinger's next. Cool. The only film I haven't seen AT ALL is the Lazenby one and it's not toooo far away. I've even seen the original Casino Royale and I heartily reccomend you avoid it at all costs. I don't know how they could have a movie with people like Woody Allen, Peter Sellers and Orson Welles and make it suck so very hard...but they did.

(I could go on! David Niven, John Huston, William Holden, Deborah Kerr....)

I can't think of a single film - or artistic endeavour of ANY kind - that has such a high talent/suckage ratio.

Blogging Bond - Part 1

2007-02-17T12:39:00.000-05:00

This seems as good a use for this blog as anything - I am now, slowly but surely, making my way through all the 007 movies in sequence.
Now, I've seen them all before. Most of them more than once. Most of them not in years. So this should be illuminating.
Our first experience, natch, is Dr. No.
Here are notes, in no particular order, gleaned from viewing:

-I'm not sure what exactly Dr. No was trying to do. He explained it, I think, but I didn't get it. I did get that he has metal hands and a killer aquarium. Something to do with a rocket? World domination, maybe?

-These movies are harder to watch once you've seen Austin Powers. What the HECK are those radiation suits?

-One gets the sense that Ian Fleming was not a huge fan of "natives" in the colonies, nor "women." Witness Quarrel's constant rum drinking and his inability to recognize a tire track for what it is.

-"The Dragon." So...Dr. No has some kinda truck that breathes fire and is painted like a shark and the natives think it's a dragon. Okay...Now, what exactly does this thing DO? It's not explained...all we know is that the swamp is toxic and that may (or may not) be because the Dragon burned it.

-And if Dr. No is so dangerous that most people won't even sail nearby, why does Ursula Andress go there to collect shells? Is there no better location?

-Crab Quay is really pretty. I'd vacation there.

-Funniest Scene: Bond, Honey and Quarrel are hiding behind a sand dune while Dr. No's henchmen (in a boat) are off-shore asking them to come out. He's actually trying the ol "come out and we won't
hurt you" thing. Then he just gives up. "you won't
come out? Fine. We'll be back though! You just wait!
If only we could come ashore you'd be in BIIIIG
trouble!"
Also, dude's voice sounds like he's talking through a megaphone even after he puts it down.

-Second Funniest Scene: The car chase. Connery is SO obviously in front of a screen during the cuts to him it really takes you out of the scene. It seems unfair to pick on the FX but I wonder if this played even in 1962. Sometimes the enhanced resolution on DVD actually reveals things you couldn't see before.

-Bond is awesome. Even if he knows a chick tried to kill him and even if she has already called the dudes to come and try again, he'll still fuck her.

-I can't believe Bond fell for the, "Have a drink of tea...I SWEAR it's not drugged or anything" trick. Tsk tsk.

-Never once in my life has someone introduced themselves and then asked me my name in such a way that would allow me to say my last name first a la "Bond, James Bond." But it happens to this guy ALL. THE. TIME.

DID YOU KNOW?
-Ursula Andress' voice was "too continental" so all her dialogue was dubbed.
-In this, and EVERY SINGLE Bond movie he was in, Connery is wearing a toupee. That sound is your testosterone dribbling out into the ether.
-Dr. No does not have an opening action sequence. It barely has action sequences at all, in fact. But the whole pre-credits thing is not established yet. Still, all the raw ingredients are there.

SPECIAL NOTE:
Bond gets his martini mixed, not shaken here.
Still, if you get your martini mixed/shaken instead of stirred and you are not James Bond, you are a pussy. (Aside from the fact that you're obviously copying him, shaking reduces the amount of alcohol.)
See Daniel Craig's recent, "Do I look like I care?" reaction to how he wants his martini blended.

Even better - go get a martini like the one Craig ordered in Casino Royale. It'll be cool for a bit longer.

Vesper
Makes 1 large cocktail
1/2 part Lillet Blanc
3 parts Gordon’s gin
1 part vodka
1 lemon twist
Pour the Lillet, gin and vodka into a shaker part-filled with ice. Shake and then strain into a large martini glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Back, for now

2007-01-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord, Haven't done anything since September?
(Okay, late September, but still...)

That's said.
So, in no particular order, here are random things I felt like mentioning.

1) Despite ostensibly being the posession of a man named Tim Horton, rather than some sort of coalition of men with the same name, the Tim Hortons coffee/donut chain seems to have lost their much needed apostrophe. This apparently occurred some time during the mid-90s, no doubt because some corporate hack thought it looked funny hanging up there.

I find the grammatical error disturbing and I'm not the only one.
If you also wish the signs said "Tim Horton's" (just like McDonald's, Wendy's, Harvey's and everyone else!), you can sign a petition here.

2) Did you know that Chris Isaak is 50 years old!
I'm not into dudes, and certainly not older men, but damn...that guy looks good.

3) Rapdily moving from rumour to fact is the notion that The Police will be celebrating their 30th anniversary by touring this year.
Apparently they are practicing in Vancouver RIGHT NOW.
I'm not a massive Police fan but, they're a damned good and important band. Since The Beatles aren't getting back together, 1/2 The Who is dead, Waters & Gilmour made it clear that Live8 was a one-time thing and The Eagles suck, that makes this about the coolest rock reunion news there could possibly be.
I'm there.

Oh, and did you know that dude's real name is "Miles Gilbert Horton?" Well, now you do.

4) There are people who love Ryan Adams and people who hate him.
There are people who think it's funny to make "Bryan Adams" jokes about him and, since his real name is David Ryan Adams, I guess that's partially his fault.
There are people who think he's a genius or that he could be a genius or that he's just a jerk.
I think he's great, but a bit nutty. And since he's recently gone sober, I think the genius will shine through soon enough.
In the meantime, he has uploaded 11 faux albums to his website; albeit not under his own name.
I should go back to mention that his website is a cool, bizarre space-themed thing that, if you look hard enough, includes a link to play "Lunar Command" online.

Anyway, his websites "radio" section includes all these songs and song fragments that are basically just him having fun.
So he pretends to be a band called The Shit (sample album: Holy Shit!) and they have heavy songs like "Blow Me Through a Whale Hole" and "Taco Bell in Bed."
Then there is hip-hopster DJ Reggie who has made albums like Holla Dayz Inn and 1980 x 1000. Apparently recorded on Adam's laptop, tracks include "David Letterman" and "Chocolate Wizards Arise."
Finally there is speed metal band WhereWolph who have songs like "Personal Hygeine Zero" and "Pink is NOT Your Colour" on their album, Feel the Laser.
If you wanna hear a death metal-sounding cover of Shania Twain's "You're Still the One," that's the album you wanna spin.

It's just funny shit, is all I'm saying.

screech

2006-09-28T19:49:00.000-04:00

Lazy does not begin to describe my output (or lack thereof) lately but THIS story is worth posting, friends.

Screech has a sex tape. So what, right? But there are so many great things about.
1) The tape is called "Saved by the Smell." GET IT?
2) The ever-so-mysterious quote, "Near the end of the 40-minute tape, Diamond demonstrates a particularly graphic act." Hmmmmm....
3) There's some guy named David Hans Schmidt who has the "rights" and he's done the same for Paris Hilton's tape and others. This is his JOB.
4) In case you're thinking the whole thing is a publicity stunt to raise the profile of the Actor Usually Known As Screech, bear in mind that his manager is not only NOT worried about the tape, he thinks it could help his career too. Niiice.

More info (including a trailer!) at Defamer.

K-Fed, Nuff Said

2006-08-21T13:06:00.000-04:00

I'm too tired/busy to post anything of substance.
But I'd have to be out of commission before I negelected to post this treasure - Kevin Federline (self-proclaimed "superstar") giving it his all:

Oh, and I did this thingie.

Ain't War Grand? (At least in the media?)

2006-08-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

I haven't been blogging at all about this whole War in the MidEast thing cuz...well, firstly it's impossible to know where to stop and start. Also, many are doing it better.

But these two things are so great I had to put em up here, just in case anyone thinks that Hizbullah is some sort of ragtag guerilla group. In reality they're very nearly a standing army with a media team so savvy that movie studios could learn something from them.

Most people who only peek at the news, probably read an article like this sad one yesterday:
It starts like this:
BEIRUT, Lebanon (CNN) -- Lebanon's prime minister said Monday an Israeli airstrike on the southern village of Houla left 40 people dead.
"An hour ago, there was a horrific massacre in the village of Houla in which more than 40 martyrs were victims of deliberate bombing," Fouad Siniora told Arab foreign ministers in Beirut.

If you like reading war stuff and choose to follow-up and find out what really happened, you might read this article (courtesy of Associated Press) today. It begins:
BEIRUT, Lebanon - Lebanon's prime minister said Monday that one person had been killed in an Israeli air raid on the southern village of Houla, lowering the death toll from 40.

LOWERING the death toll? That's a bit of an understatement, eh?
Oopsie daisy!

There's also been extensive evidence that the number of reported dead in the Qana "massacre" was about 1/2 of what was claimed....Of course that story didn't get as much press as the non-massacre (kinda like the Jenin "massacre") but, hey, c'est la guerre!

And then there is this great photo:

Even though anyone with basical digital photographic skills can see that the photographer (poorly) added a bunch of smoke with his clone button (and some damaged buildings too!), Reuters ran it. Then they killed it and sorta-apologized.

You can read about it just about anywhere in the media that cares about stuff like accuracy but Little Green Footballs kinda "broke" the story...

Ain't war grand?

ADDED: Hey- even the NT Times isn't immune!
They ran a beautiful photo essay that included one moving photo of an apparently-dead Lebanese guy under some rubble. Other photos in the essay featured him walking about doing just fine and rescuing others. Are you surprised? Do you even want to see it?

At least it makes it easier to know who to cheer for.

Two Unrelated "T" Issues

2006-07-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

1) I was drinking some iced tea the other day. A Snapple, if you must know.
Water was the main ingredient.
Further down the list was "tea."
And I wondered...how do you figure out how much TEA there is?
Isn't it IN the water? I mean, if you mix water and tea, isn't it ALL TEA??

2) Also, I am now contributing to a fine local website, Torontoist.com.
I've been reading it a while - and have linked to it several times - and it's a really fun, semi-grass-rootsy look at life in this fine hometown of mine. So go!

Shameless Self Promotion

2006-07-09T13:17:00.000-04:00

Wowie! A real article in a real newspaper.
The online version doesn't have all the pictures, graphs etc. but it's sufficient for us all to bask in the glory of this illustrious achievment!

Here - and here.

Five Stupid Things My Boss Did Today

2006-06-27T14:41:00.000-04:00

*I wrote this in late April but decided to wait until my boss was no longer my boss. Now I feel we can all share in the revelry. Yes, this all happened. And, yes, it all happened in a single work day...

I don't think my boss knows about this blog (or even the concept of blogs, frankly) but, in the interests of self-preservation I will be stashing this away until such time as I no longer work here - which is not so far away. In the meantime, I thought it imperative to canonize these events. You might think your boss ain't so sharp but I dare you to top this - it all happened in less than 8 hours on a quiet day in April...Herewith, in no particular order:

1) Paged me at my phone to ask me when the first day of summer is this year. I didn't have the heart (or the time) to explain solstices, equinoxes, the structure of the solar system etc. so I just said, "June 21," and rolled my eyes. (And I gambled that it wouldn't fall on 6/22 this year, and it doesn't.) The important thing is that a grown man doesn't know when summer starts.

2) If you don't live in Canada, or don't drink wine regularly, you could be pardoned for not knowing this. If you live in Canada, drink wine and oversee a magazine with a regular wine column it's something you might have come across at some point: He did not know what VQA is or what it stands for. If you don't know, VQA stands for Vintner's Quality Assurance and it's basically a federal body that governs wine standards in Canada. Many other countries - France, Italy etc - also have such bodies. He now knows about it because they took out an advertisement (so we should, like, write about em!). So, he thought we should do an article on VQA wines, you see?

3) These still aren't funny enough for you? Try this one: A girl arrives for a job interview. He spots her as she comes in and realizes that a girl from a previous interview is about to leave so he stashes her in a room. And doesn't tell anyone. And forgets about her. For an hour. In the meantime, the manager in charge of interviewing her calls and leaves a message at her house asking where she is, hopefully she didn't get the time mixed up etc. Even the people at the front desk never saw her come in. She was mostly okay. [ed note: She got the job!]

4) He pronounced the musical insturment, spelled maracas, as "mar-a-chas." Really, this is not a hard word to say. Is it?

5) Like the VQA thing this requires some prior knowledge. Basically, he was reading the new Douglas Coupland book which includes appearances by a character named (ta da!) Douglas Coupland. So he's running around the office talking about how it's just like Kurt Vonnegut. Now, I can only presume he has read "Breakfast of Champions" (more likely, seen the Bruce Willis movie of it) in which the main character encounters Vonnegut as a God figure. Admittedly, both books feature the author within the narrative. But aside from that, it's not really the same thing. The reasons, the manner in which they appear, the function they serve...entirely different. I mean, they're printed on paper, in english, serif fonts etc...but I mean substantively. But he probably read one Vonnegut thing in high school (or saw the movie) and from there thinks he can stroll around talking about how X or Y is like Vonnegut when it's not. I mean, Vonnegut didn't invent "meta," man.

It reminds me of the scene in Back to School when Rodney Dangerfield hires Vonnegut to write an essay on himself...and Vonnegut gets a bad mark. Well, a lot reminds me of that scene.

[Ed note: Did you know they are remaking Back to School with Cedric the Entertainer? Gawd! Why?]

Mr Mom

2006-06-27T10:14:00.000-04:00

Now, this isn't going to turn into Rebecca Eckler's Blog .
But here are two examples of the challenges of doing freelance work while watching a baby.

I make a bunch of calls and wait for callbacks.
Of course, right as one call comes, Sleeping Baby wakes up.
What's more, as I cradle the phone between cheek and shoulder, she vomits.
Then the doorbell rings.

Or there was the time she was in the mood for playing when a call came.
And no quiet toys would suffice. It had to be the LOUD piano.
So I had to dump her with the piano and do the interview in the kitchen, peeking in on her all the time. That was fun too.

And, I should mention, that I caught the last 1/2 hour of Mr Mom on TBS last week.
Sweeeeet.
(But I missed the company picnic/race scene with Keaton and Mull...oh, well)

Back in Action

2006-06-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

Who is excited about the World Cup?
No, not me. I hate the World Cup but now everyone who searches for it on a blog search will find me too bad.
These are the only two things you need to know about why I hate the World Cup (or "football," really).
1) The Marxist Argument - Soccer is only popular in countries that are pretty hopeless and soccer provides an opiate to seduce them. Sociologically Ghana, Argentina and England are all not doing so well and they need some. (Healthy North American countries can revel in globalization and consumer goods!) So once every four years the people in Cameroon can get jazzed that MAYBE THIS TIME and then use the few pennies they have to buy some Adidas stuff, feeding the machine.
2) The Sports Argument - The whole point of sports is, like, that someone beats someone. It wouldn't be much fun watching the 100M in the Olympics if everyone finished with a time of 10.5 seconds and it ain't fun watching two teams finish 0-0. I'm not denying the athleticism required to run up and down a field for 90 minutes, accomplishing nothing other than a good cardiovascular workout...but when two of the final four teams get in by 1-0 scores (on a penalty kick and shootout respectively) there is SOMETHING WRONG with your sport.

Nuff said.
This isn't about the World Cup.

Why have I been so remiss in posting lately?
The short answer is that, surprisingly, I have much less free time now that I'm unemployed/working freelance.
Especially with a baby.

I will elaborate in my next post, later today.
In the meantime...

Here is something one might, hypothetically do, after a night with three hours of sleep:
-open washing machine
-turn necessary knobs to activate machine
-put in clothes
-add bleach to affect soiled items
-close machine
-put items in dryer
-realize that despite bleached cleanliness of items, no soap has been used in the process
-put items back in washing machine
-add soap
-set to cold water in the interests of preserving our scarce supply.

hypothetically.

Quittin the Quasi

2006-05-31T23:43:00.000-04:00

Since this is my blog, I'm allowed to blatantly self-promote every now and then.

Having left behind the mysterious world of Quasi Journalism, I today took my first baby steps into the world of Actual Journalism.

The proof - an article in a national newspaper - lies herein.

The Worst Day of the Month - Redux

2006-05-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it's that time of the month again.
And it's my LAST Worst Day of the Month before leaving the world of Quasi-Journalism for either the world of Real Journalism or Non-Journalism.

[and fast apologies, if you care, for the lack of posts lately-it's not that I have nothing to say about Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger getting into a fistfight - it's just there have been techinical problems + some laziness]

9:15 - a bad start already! I won't get into all the minuate so early. I'll just post this idiotic press release I got:

>COMMUNITY GROUPS PROTEST THE ANNUAL „WALK WITH ISRAEL‰
>
> What: Protest against the „Walk with Israel‰
> Where: South Gates of Trinity Bellwoods Park - Queen St. West at Strachan
> When: Sunday May 28th 2006, 10:15 am
>
> Toronto: Thursday, May 25, 2006
>
> On Sunday May 28th, 2006, the United Jewish Federation is sponsoring a
> „Walk with Israel‰ in downtown Toronto. This fundraising event is a
> celebration of the State of Israel: but what is being celebrated?
>
> The state of Israel engages in horrific human rights abuses against
> Palestinians. The colonization of Palestine has resulted in a 58 year
> military occupation, racist confiscation of land, the demolition of homes,
> a policy of collective punishment of Palestinians, the construction of an
> apartheid wall, and repeated extreme violations of civil, economic,
> political, national and human rights ˆ all in the name of Jews wherever
> they are.
>
> This Sunday Jews, Palestinians and supporters will be standing in silent
> protest at the „Walk with Israel‰ to object to the unquestioning and
> uncritical support the mainstream Jewish community and its allies in
> government gives to the state of Israel.
>
> As thousands of participants march past the gates of Trinity Bellwoods
> Park, we will be standing in solidarity with Palestinian rights, in
> protest, with Palestine.
>
> This event is sponsored by the Jewish Women's Committee to End the
> Occupation (JWCEO) and the Coalition Against Israeli Apartheid (CAIA)

As they do every year thsee morons will get their 15 seconds of airtime on the local news. It basically involves 3 women standing outside holding signs will thousands of people - mostly families - file past, occasionally yelling at them for being morons.
Which - if I haven't said it - they are.

Knowing that it is The Worst Day of the Month I've decided to write the following response and keep it in drafts for now, in case I feel more mellow later:

You've caught me on a bad day where my unbiassed journalistic integrity is shaky.

Fuck off - and read a book about what's actually happened in that part of the world, will you?

Apartheid? Give me a break.
Go polish up your Che tattoos, drink your free trade coffee, shine that statue of Noam Chomsky in the front hall and take your "protest" of a family event that's been taking place for well over 20 years somewhere else. Or at least bring 3 or 4 umbrellas in case it rains and your entire group wants to stay dry.
Snap!

Thanks,
David

And so it begins!

9:36 a.m. - After you've finished an article (especially something as important as a calendar) it's important to have it proofread, changed, fact-checked and then changed again. You know - to make it good.

9:51 a.m. - A good think to think about, if something is annoying you, is to remember that scene in MEATBALLS where Bill Murray gets the whole camp shouting, "It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter."

10:02 a.m. -If a vein (say the one above your left eyebrow) starts twitching reflexively should you:
a) Consult a therapist
b) Consult a physician
c) Scotch tape it down and work through it
d) Take advantage of the full bottle of single malt scotch in the adjacent cubicle

10:32 a.m. - Most of the annoying inanties are taken care of for now.
I feel bad that legal and social considerations prevent me from listing every annoying thing. I'll try to do better as the day goes on.

In the meantime, we have had our first technical problem of the day - the servers are down so...yeah, we'll just have to wait and see. Won't we?

11:11 a.m. - The server could be fixed. Or not. It probably is.
But now it's a good time to retreat into a coccoon and deal with more pressing personal matter.
Oh, don't worry - Manic Energy will soon ensure that we have some fun and do some work before the day is out.
I hope we finish soon.
I need to buy chicken breasts for dinner...even if it's raining and thus not ideal for barbecuing...

12:07 p.m. - We have just passed the point where they find out what's missing and ask what yours. Luckily, nothing is mine. So back to waiting.
Pizza will be coming soon.
I've had pizza twice this week already. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying....

12:36 p.m. - Rumours that the pizza is arriving.
In the meantime I am content to sit amidst the swirls of others' chaos.
"Man, this day blows," says Homeboy.

2:41 p.m. - You think things have changed in the last 2 hours? Not really.
I did get a lovely press kit from Ikea that includes coloured chopsticks (designed by Amelia Chong), a plate and a bag of caramel corn.

Now we're at the point where everything is done except one tricky page. But Manic Energy refuses to look at the other 80 pages without this one - it's all or nothing. The holistic approach to publishing, you see.

So we sit.
And wait.
And stand rapt, in awe of his efficiency and genuis.
Really.

3:19 p.m. Soon - soon, I can feel it.

In the meantime, I've been amusing myself reading things like McSweeney's
There are few things I HATE as much as American Idol - I could list all the reaons why, but what's the point?
All I know is that this Ryan Seacrest parody amused me.
I hope it amuses you too.

6:24 p.m. - A dog picture in the calendar is close-cropped.
Of course this elicits a "What the fuck?!"
Now I am overseeing an altering of the dog picture so the background is a solid rectangle.
Of course the best way to spend our time at this hour is having an artist (already busy erasing plates -don't ask)add black to the rectangle so it can be more square.
A model of efficiency AND design.
And I get to be the one who passed the piece of paper to her.

I can really feel my self-worth hitting a new high.

6:40 p.m. - The iPod is wired to the PA system.
The whole office has no choice but to listen to the Shuffle Demons classic, "Spadina Bus."
The controller is not as amused as we are.
Too bad - the Buddha said "Life is suffering."
Get with the program.

7:34 p.m. - This is how it works. This is why it's the worst day of the month.
Bored out of our fucking skulls, Homeboy and I head north, down the hall, to the Hallowed Production Room. There, Manic Energy and Treehugger glance up from their revelries and see us.
"You guys can go," chuckles Manic Energy. "You probably could have gone home two hours ago."
"No shit," I think. I imagine Homeboy thinks the same. Or worse.
The laughing resumes and we walk out.
I have done one thing today - it was the dog picture which I didn't even really do.
I don't know what images dance through Homeboy's head but I picture knives and fire.
Fire and knives.
I remind myself how lucky I am to be leaving this chickenshit place.
So long.

Living With War

2006-04-28T16:07:00.000-04:00

I'm through the first three tracks and VERY much digging the lovely on-line stream of the new Neil Young album, Living With War.

Dig it.

Spam of the Day

2006-04-27T09:59:00.000-04:00

Dear me, I'm behind on my posting! Well it's a busy week at work.

Nonetheless, I should take a fast moment for a spam update. As of this moment I have nearly 1900 emails in my DELETED ITEMS folder - mostly spam.

Here are some facts!

14 offers for OEM software
17 gourmet coffee-related offers
45 approximate number of cialis-related offers
5 opportunities to "Abolish everything you owe not even paying another dime"
4 chances to get "Any med for your girl to be happy"
5 ways to "Clear the smoke. Kick the Habit." (As seen on TV, natch!)
4 attempts at the old "file error notification" gambit
1 chance to get "gallons of hot cum"
8 opportunities to get a complimentary ringtone
17 offers that start with the word "get."
9 offers for various "good" drugs
8 "Hoodia" related offers
14 ways to improve my love life (i.e. "love" is in the subject)
46 generous people asking if I "need" help of any kind (erections, mortgates etc.)
5 kits to help me get started with Ebay
6 "Urgent notification"s
1 email from "Pants B. Zanzibar"

Pop Culture News

2006-04-19T10:32:00.000-04:00

-Did you know that the people at American Idol aren't entirely honest??!!
According to Brian May who was on the show last week with his band Queen, they totally re-edited something that took place to make it look like he was criticizing a singer when that was not the case.

This is heartbreaking for me.
Next you're going to tell me that the vote system is a money grab that is not actually counted or tallied in any way.

If you actually like the show and think it is performing a service by discovering amazing, young talents...go drink your Coca Cola. That's what Randy wants, dawg.

-I've already bashed Jamie Foxx before.
Did you know that he just might be the saviour of soul music? Well, now you do.

-On a serious note, I am a fan of Kevin Smith's films. Some people ain't and that's fine. But he is an amazingly funny and forthright human being.

A few weeks ago the papers picked up on this small nugget Kevin had dropped during a speaking engagement about co-star and friend Jason Mewes getting fucked by Nicole Ritchie in a club bathroom. What they totally ignored was the story around this superficially salacious "story."

It was, in fact, a humorous ending to a very long, elaborate story of how Mewes had overcome heroin addiction. Smith has now posted the story in 9 long chapters on his blog. They are amazing in their honesty,the rawness of the tale and for the sheer depth of both the friendship between Smith and Mewes and Mewes own strength in overcoming his addiction. It's long but well worth the read, I assure you, when you have the time.

It starts here and if you start Part One, you will want to keep reading.

It goes without saying that the media outlets who picked up the Nicole Ritchie story have had nothing to say about this far more interesting story.

-Aren't you amazed I have nothing to say about Tom and Katie having their baby? Nothing from my arsenal of Scientology jokes? Nothing to offer about the coincidence of Brooke Shields popping hers out on the same day? You sure are.

If you want a hyperlink, go elsewhere, sucka!

-Lastly, if you haven't already heard, Neil Young has announced the imminent release of a quickly-produced protest album.

I first heard about it last week via this blog post cited within the article. A girl posted how lucky she had been to get invited to be in the 100-person choir for this new album - she was greeted with innumerable posts saying that it was all a hoax. The next week, Neil's announcement followed - so there.

The best part of the article is where it says how confusing this all is because, after 9/11, Young recorded a song ("Let's Roll") that celebrated the Americans who fought back on Fligh 93. By extension, of course, he supported Bush and every single element of the "War on Terror." Since the new album, Living With the War includes songs like "Impeach the President," I can see how that would be confusing...to some.

On his own web site, Young describes it as a metal version of Phil Ochs and Bob Dylan.

No official release date - but soon.

You can read the original blog post (and then her amazement at being called a liar!) here.

Random Thought - Tone Loc

2006-04-19T09:38:00.000-04:00

I heard "Funky Cold Medina" on the radio this morning.
It's funny for about 30 seconds but, um, it hasn't aged so well.
It wasn't so good back then, it isn't so good now.
"Wild Thing" was always the stronger tune.
Marginally.

Past & Present

2006-04-17T14:07:00.000-04:00

When I started this site I said that one thing I wanted to do was plug the efforts of more succesful and/or interesting friends and I've been falling down on the job so here is a meandering intro and a couple of plugs...

Many moons ago I was in a band. It even had an ancient web site!
When you're in a band you always have people trying to tell you who you sound like and we certainly heard interesting comparisons. Two totally separate people on two totally separate occasions mentioned The Replacements.
Now, no one in the band listened to The Replacements at all.
In fact, aside from being able to maaaaybe name Paul Westerberg, I doubt I could have told you anything about The 'Mats at all. Sad, right?

Well, since that time I have acquired an appreciation for the band. As for how much we sounded like them...I'm proud to say that we shared something of their spirit; a fun, pop-inspired but ever-so-slightly punky, ragged rock and roll. Having come to enjoy their music it's quite an honour to have been compared to them (as opposed to, say, Pearl Jam who - no offence - had nothing musically do to do with us).

The point of all this is that after years of hating each other the band has reunited to record two tracks for a greatest hits CD that comes out in June. Since all I have are shitty MP3s, I will be buying this baby on day one.

Anyway, one band alumn, Perry Perlmutar, is doing quite well for himself as a laugh-extractor. I meant to plug his co-headlining gig at The Laugh Resort the other week. Luckily I was able to make it down and see him handle this guy - who wasn't so much a heckler as a drunken buffoon - with aplomb.

He is also a star of stage and screen probably best known as "Guy in Toilet" in The Tuxedo, with Jackie Chan.

Now he's off to the prestigious Halifax Comedy Festival next week so, um, go see him!

More band alum - the Fantabulously Famous Wiskin Brothers - will be hitting the stage at the Gypsy Co-Op this Friday, April 21. The band used to be called Auxiliary aka Guitarbus (don't ask) and is now called The Macrofunction aka Guitarbus which I'm not entirely sure is an improvement. NONETHELESS, they are fun and funky and I'm going to try to go because they've been in hiding for a bit. It's good to see em out and playing again.

They're not afraid to make their presence known on the web so seek more info here, or here...

Am I, in fact, the least succesful person I know? Time will tell.

Very Random Thought - Doctor Who

2006-04-17T11:00:00.000-04:00

Man...that theme music from Doctor Who used to scare the bejeezus out of me.

You can hear it here - but make sure the lights are on, okay?

Here and here .

Spring has Sprung!

2006-04-17T09:46:00.000-04:00

Due to a technical error, this is version two of a post that disappeared after being completed. Don't you hate when that happens? Hopefully I can capture the dry, biting humour of the original.

Okay....where was I?...right...

Spring is sprunging death is in full bloom. Even though we haven't had a real spring thaw here in Toronto, it's still the time of year for dead bodies to float ashore.

TWO were found this weekend. One in G. Ross Lord Park and one in Black Creek. How about that?

Across the sea, it's business as usual in Occupied Palestine. Of course killing Jews on Passover is something of a Hamas tradition so it shouldn't come as a surprise that when an enterprising Palestinian decides to set off a suicide bomb in Tel Aviv, the Palestinian Government are about the only ones who don't condemn it.

But there's good news if you're the type to root for our Arab underdog friends.
In a gross act of moral cowardice Canada, the USA and EU have all decided not to provide aid to the Hamas-led government. As at least one Toronto Star editor was brave enough to note, we are thus nipping a flourishing democracy in the bud and otherwise standing up for the strong Israelis at the expense of the weak Palestinians who we should be standing up for because, like, they're weak.

Anyway, there is a country out there with some cojones. A country that's not afraid to stand up against the forces of civilization and imperialism. Yes, Iran will be giving $50M to the Palestinian Authority.
And to think we could have been there first! Now that boat has sailed.

Well, when you live in a depraved society like I do in Canada, it's nice to know who you can really count on in a pinch.
It's good to know what side you're on.
And it's good to know who your friends are.

Back in Business

2006-04-17T09:40:00.000-04:00

After several days of passover and a nasty 24-hour stomach flu, I'm back.
Before getting to anything remotely interesting, of course we must get to The Spam of the Day. After a long weekend I've been bombarded.

I received an email entitled "PREMIER" from the following people.
Overheads S. Disengaged
Wriggled U. Burnooses
Leash V. Drowsiness
Blindingly I. Movies
Roguish O. Timing
Bearskin G. Beelzebub
Domestics L. Seedy
Debtor H. Palpation

If that weren't enough, I got offers for "The Ultimate Online Pharmaceuticals" from:
Extravagances S. Hood
Moister U. Riddle
Creditable P. Scud
Methane M. Abrasive
Reorganize A. Genies
Leasehold D. Castigator
Gestation P. Tate
Poacher C. Sergei

You get the idea...

Spam of the Day

2006-04-10T12:45:00.000-04:00

I waffled on posting this one, largely because I thought it MIIIIGHT not be Spam.
I'd hate to offend a poor 12-year-old kid who just wanted to express his love of Jesus. But they typos are far too sad for even a real 12-year-old and the sender comes up as "mffigjfhd gjjhkjki"so I'm going to celebrate little Anthony's bad poetry and hope no one gets hurt.

My personal favourite couplet?
"He died on a cross and was buried in a tomb of rock,
He rose from the dead, what a miracle, what a shock."

Good stuff. Here's the Spam....

Hello, my anme is Guy-Anthony Gagliano, and i am 12 yaers old, i ahve
written 2 poems for the easter season. i would grately appreciate it if you
can ptu them in the [WORKPLACE REMOVED]. That would we greatly appreiated. Thank
you

Jesus has risen!

Easter is almost here,
When Jesus died an angel did appear.
Jesus died, but then a miracle occurred,
Jesus rose from the dead, is what the apostles heard.
This change is truly fantastic,
This miracle was surly drastic.
Jesus has risen because he loves all of us here,
Jesus may have risen but he did not disappear.
Our soles like his now, may not be ignored,
We have been saved oh mighty lord.

The Reason for the Season

We are in the Easter season,
We should thank God, but do you know the reason.
He died on a cross and was buried in a tomb of rock,
He rose from the dead, what a miracle, what a shock.
This is very touching tom me,
It is like he saved us and we are now free.
Changing from one form to another is unreal,
But yet again Jesus and everything he does is ideal.
What Jesus did for us is truly unbelievable,
What God taught me is anything is achievable.

Random Thought - Sveiks!

2006-04-07T14:06:00.000-04:00

Every now and then I see cars with this bumper sticker...it's got purple text and a kinda-clip-arty picture of grapes and it says, "Sveiks!"

I've always wondered what it meant.
Then I remembered the Internet.
It turns out it's Latvian for "Hello!" which means...well, that the person was probably Latvian. A bit of a letdown there.

On a related note, I could easily have a running thing on the blog where I list something stupid a driver did on my way to or from work. I won't do that.

But I will tell you one group of people I hate - the people who see a perfectly ordinary sewer grate/manhole cover on the ground and swerve around it as if the 1" bumbs will somehow fuck up the suspension on their Rav-4. Get over it!

Tee Hee Hee

2006-04-07T10:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just love "journalism."

Feel free to compare, for instance, these two fascinating articles - both hot off the proverbial press.

Hamas official says group ready for 'two-state' solution with Israel

and

Hamas denies ready for two-state solution

Bwa Ha Ha!

2006-04-07T09:29:00.000-04:00

On a totally different note - I love this story about Oprah Winfrey allegedly paying for Jennifer Aniston's alleged wedding to Vince Vaughan.

It's probably not true but still...
Let me count the ways!
-I love that Jen is getting back at Brad by marrying HER next leading man
-I love that it's Vince Vaughan. In a good way - he's so cool and yet so not the guy who seems like he should be marrying Jennifer Aniston.
-I love that this alleged wedding could cost $8 million which seems extravagant by Hollywood standards.
-I love that Oprah Winfrey, philanthropist par excellence, has allegedly opted to fork over the dough so Jen's heart can be mended etc. etc.

A little Jesus, a little Jennifer - that's why people come to the Fleischmarket.

Judas priest!

2006-04-07T09:05:00.000-04:00

It's funny - I read this story yesterday and thought it was neat but not all THAT exciting. And here it is, today, on the front page of my local rag.

Although it's taken a few years to accurately date and make presentable, the upshot is that this document was found in the 1970s and it dates back about 1,700 years and contains a narrative of Jesus' death in which Judas ain't such a bad guy.

In fact, he is portrayed as the most important apostle whose "betrayal" of Jesus was actually requested by Jesus himself.

This really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has more than a cursory knowledge of early Christianity. The Gospels, which are the prime narratives of whatever Jesus' actual life might have been are both inter- and intra- condtradictory, not to mention filled with varying degrees of anti-Semitism. Also, they were written 300-400 years after his death by people with political agendas and, at best, fourth or fifth-hand knowledge of the man himself. They may well contain truth, but they are not THE Truth.

So it's not surprising that another contradictory narrative should surface.

Interestingly, the Judas revealed in the manuscript isn't all that different from the man protrayed in the book and film of The Last Temptation of Christ. Though the film in particular was underappreciated due to the protests of the self-appointed guardians of Christianity, it's a far more interesting, probing and spiritual exploration of what Jesus' life must have been like than certain other more recent, more successful films.

Last Temptation's Judas is the fulcrum upon which Jesus' sacrifice depends. He is, among all the apostles, the man who sees Jesus best, in all his glory and all his flaws. He is torn to pieces when Jesus tells him that God's plan, and Jesus' crucifixion cannot come to be without Judas making the greatest sacrifice. It's a powerful idea - it rings truer to history than the obviously anti-Jewish interpretation that has dominated Christian teachings.

If you are a Christian (which I am not) it should much more meaning to Jesus' death and sacrifice than the idea that he knew his death was inevitable and necessary and yet that it is the physical torture and death which are most deserving of further exploration and revelry.

That's enough seemingly off-topic ranting for the day.
If you care about this stuff at all - be it religion, archeology or how this affects your next viewing of Jesus Christ Superstar, it's worth reading an article or two about it. If the Da Vinci Code is the only book you've read about the relationship between Jesus' actual life and The Church, you might benifit from this as well.

Ass stuff

2006-04-04T12:14:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I had a really good, funny animal story to post, but here it is.

Basically the gist is that there is a textbook in India that not only compares wives to donkeys (okay, "LOYAL" donkeys) and goes so far as to say that the latter is a better investment.

Sample quote:
"While the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master."

I'd like to attack the bigotry and close-mindedness, and I must admit I don't know all that much about donkeys but, really...it kinda strikes me as not too far from the truth...

American Idol = funny/sad

2006-04-04T11:43:00.000-04:00

It was a tough day for me when I noticed that American Idol judge Randy Jackson once played bass on a Springsteen record. I bet he didn't have the balls to call Bruce, "Dawg."

Anyway, Springsteen fan site Backstreets thought they'd have a little fun with an April Fools Day posting. The alleged news was that Bruce would be on American Idol this week, coaching the kids through his songs a la Barry Manilow. No dice - it's artiste extraordinaire Kenny Rogers.

It's something of a relief that Bruce Springsteen still has enough artistic integrity for such a story to be an obvious joke as opposed to, say, Prince.

In a non-April Fools story, the following three facts are revealed about the Purple One:
-He hates American Idol
-He has never seen American Idol
-He is likely to appear on the show to help the sales of his new album

Nice.

the news comes from Pagesix.com which is a big boy when it comes to gossip, so take it with as many grains of salt as you see fit.

Lastly, I know it's simultaneously one of the highest rated shows in history and a patheticly lame easy target, but you still have to like the boys in Broken Social Scene taking it to the Canadian franchise and its spawn.

In the article, bandleader Kevin Drew says that "I feel really sorry for those kids in Canadian Idol because they're going absolutely nowhere," and I dare someone who is neither involved with the show, nor a teenager, to refute it.

Amusing Gawker Stuff

2006-04-04T11:01:00.000-04:00

Who cares about this Katie Couric stuff? It's true - not since the buildup to the Iraq Invasion has so much been written about something that hasn't happened yet.

And it's about time I made a posting that actually included a picture. This one is a far out mindbender.
(I'lll fix the pic link when I get home!)

Press Release of the Day

2006-04-04T11:00:00.000-04:00

There's nothing as good as an old fashioned misplaced modifier.Or even a word that's missing altogether, thus altering the context.
Take this choice nugget, for example:

POST MORTEM RESULTS IN MARKHAM HOMICIDE"

Mindfuck, eh?

Spam of the Day

2006-04-04T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'm a few days behind so let's play Spam catch-up!

Here are some people who have emailed me lately:
Josefa D. Snakebite
Hooks J. Pinfeather
ingeborg sanchez (Juan Epstein's cousin?)
Canal P. Dichotomy
Covering G. Mayonnaise
Newsreel E. Unsolicited
Unimpressive S. Stinginess
Baying H. Boondocks
Tiddlywinks U. Thucydides
Alertness Q. Sidestep

In my opinion, it's the middle initial that really sells the reality; the quality.

Fun Stuff I Can't Do At Work

2006-04-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

-It's been long-rumoured and long in development.
Recently word leaked out that voice recording had at least been started.
Whenpeople started posting on the net that a trailer had been slipped infront of ICE AGE 2 it was widely dismissed as April Fool's prankery.
But it ain't.
They really are making a Simpson's movie (insert "Awesome!" or "It'll suck hard!" comments here."

And THIS is the brief teaser trailer...

-Kevin Smith has posted a fan-friendly Internet-only trailer for Clerks 2.
Whilethe movie seems poised to be a "train wreck," as Smith has joked, theadvance word on it has been great so enjoy. When I'm in an environmentwhere "cocksmoker" is copacetic audio, I'll give it a gander too.

-The For the Records blog is a cool source of Toronto music happenings. Today he has some nice Flaming Lips video links thrown into the mix.

-Oh, and this I can do at work.
In honour of his 100th post, Pimps of Goreis creating a list of his Top 100 Jeff Tweedy/Wilco songs. He's evenbeen kind enough to provide MP3 links so you should have a read andlisten!

Letters to the Editor

2006-04-02T11:07:00.000-04:00

You don't want to be one of those people.
The people who write essays that they blind-CC to every publication in the country.
If you're going to write something, you have to pick your battles.

It's been a while since I've written any such letters and yet I found myself writing two to the same publication, The Toronto Star, this very week.

The first was in reference to this review of the play, Hair. Richard Ozounian, who wrote it, is probably the city's biggest theatre critic, for what that's worth. He has developed the habit of writing reviews of PREVIEWS which isn't quite kosher - but it allows you to go to press before the other guys. A Preview, if you don't know, is somewhere between a dress rehearsal and the finished show. If you NEED to review it, you really should let your readers know you aren't reviewing the final show...Anyway, that's the link to the review, here is my letter:

I would like to say that I am impressed with Richard Ozounian's impeccable timing and his ability to be the first in the city to file reviews of major productions. Unfortunately, what is increasingly clear is that he is doing so by reviewing works-in-progress and not informing his readers.

Every theatregoer and critic knows that previews are not to be regarded as final productions and that if one, by necessity, must review a preview, that it should be clearly stated. Mr. Ozounian may be patting himself on the back forhaving his LORD OF THE RINGS review online at 10 p.m.on opening night but since the show was ongoing at the time, why did he not explicitly state that it was not that show he had attended and/or reviewed?

Similarly, today's review of HAIR only references, in a throwaway bracket in the final sentence, that he only saw a preview. In a brand new production, like LORD OF THE RINGS,previews can differ significantly from the final product. Even if Mr. Ozounian attended multiple previews of that show and HAIR, and even if every criticism he made was equally true of the opening night shows, the Star's readers deserve to know that, in the interests of being the first-out-of-the-gate,he has chosen NOT to review the show itself.

For the record - I saw Hair last night and while it's a bit disjointed and has other flaws, it was still a fun night out. The rousing standing ovation at the end speaks either to how high above as all Ozounian is or how out of touch and ineffectual he is. I'm not sure which.

Secondly, is this article from the Star's editor emeritus, Haroon Siddiqui. It may shock some people but I can have a quite a liberal streak. But this guy's heart is bleeding so much, no blood is getting to the brain. He writes the most simpleminded articles about the Mid East which basically amount to the fact that the Palestinians are weak and everyone should give them what they want and stop the big, bad Israelis. No matter what is going on in the world, it is everyone else's fault than the Palestinians there is no peace. He wrote such an article earlier this week and now another one today. The gist of this one, which really got my goat, is that Hamas ain't so bad and, really, we should help em out since the big, bad Israelis won't listen to reason.

In it he makes what I think is the worst, most undermining fallacy a liberal arugment can make: X is powerful, Y is weak, therefore I should support Y.
It's all fine and good to root for the underdog and in many cases - maybe most cases - "The Weak" are being unfairly oppressed. But it is not a universal model and does not apply at all in the Israeli-Arab conflict.

And, here is my letter.

Haroon Siddiqui, as usual, has made a passionate but illogical case for Canada to blindly support the Palestinians no matter what they do.

He touts Canada's "traditional neutrality" apparently unaware that despite having proudly invented peacekeeping, no such thing exists. We have never been Switzerland and have a proud history of taking sides in conflicts, from World War I on. Declaring that we will not negotiate with, nor support terrorists, is nothing new. We will, though Mr. Siddiqui failed to mention it, continue to fund other social programs that directly help the Palestinian population.

He says that we now "stand on guard for the powerful against the weak" as if, by defintion, the "weak" are right or honourable. Nevermind that the "weak" are, in fact, a 300-million strong Arab nation with more than 20 states while the "strong" comprise four million Jews backed into a sliver of land the size of New Jersey.

Siddiqui then complains that Pres. Bush and PM Harper advocate democracy for Arabs, but don't want to deal with its results, apparently failing to understand what democracy is. Democracy, sir, is not an election. Rather elections one tool of a society which has a free press, a free society and other inherent qualities which do not yet exist in the Palestinian Territories. I probably do stand by Mr. Siddiqui in saying that hopefully one day they will.

In the meantime, despite his touting their cease-fires and proud tradition of social programs, Hamas is a recognized terrorist organization that is very specific in both its rejection of Israeli existence and its desire to use violence to rectify that "problem." At such time as they change these two basic beliefs, it would be incumbent on nations like Canada to reconsider their position.

Mr. Siddiqui should write articles urging Hamas to change its policies and truly embrace democracy, or urging Palestinians to become a society that chooses not to elect homicidal political parties. That would be a refreshing change from yet another article about why Canada (and the USA, and Israel...) is the problem. Hamas have already ignored the moral reasons for laying down their suicide bombs - perhaps our financial incentive will do the trick.

Random Thought - saxomophone

2006-03-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

You know, they say the saxaphone is the musical instrument that most sounds like the human voice.

True.
That is all.

...and two unrelated things

2006-03-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

In a way it's inevitable.
In a way the waiting made it worse.
In a way, we all knew it was coming so maybe it's not so bad.
In an article filled with about 20 "ifs" and "buts" we find out that the best show of the last several years, Arrested Development, is just about as dead as can be.

And, on a lighter note, the fine people at Torontoist have linked to this amusing website that converts any page into a dialect. The "Swedish Chef" is kinda funny and I'm not sure if "jive" is racist or not but it's good for a solid 45-60 seconds of entertainment.

Video Hitz

2006-03-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

-A funny (if not hillarious) trailer hilighting the extreme danger in which Harrison Ford's female leads tend to find themselves.

-The Snakes on a Plane 'net wave is taking over and The Fleischmarket is no exception. Watch a fan trailer! Write your own theme song! The fun never stops - and the movie isn't out until late summer.

Slash and Burn

2006-03-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

Is there a bigger joke than Guns 'n' Roses and/or Axl Rose's plans to one day actually release his decade-in-the-making album, Chinese Democracy?

How about Spin magazine's Chuck Klosterman writing up a review that appears to be his joke on the way out the door. And, yes, April Fools is coming up this week.

There seems to be some confusion about whether the review has any merit but consensus is that Klosterman is just having a piss.

Random Thoughts - Word Association

2006-03-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

Some people ask me, "What is this world of quasi-journalism of which you speak?"

Well, here is a random list of concepts/phrases you might encounter in this world:

-soft
-"deadlines" (as opposed to deadlines)
-Advertorial
-starfucking
-phoner
-chipping in (moving furniture, replacing lights, stuffing envelopes)
-fraud
-"Double Issue!" (i.e. not twice the size of a normal issues. See: Freud, Sigmund)

and, my personal favourite (for sentimental reasons):
"The sales people are the ones out there on the front lines."
(If you need an analogy, the editorial staff are more like the guys in Jarhead.)

The Worst Day of the Month II - Live Journal

2006-03-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

By popular request (ie two people), once again the most stressful (and yet often boring) day of the month will be documented herein, with regular updates.

Last month's journal has been archived, safely tucked away in a Swiss bank, in the interests of avoiding retrograde legal action.

9:30 a.m. - Word on the winds is that Manic Energy will soon be blowing through in full force. So far, we've been sitting around waiting to get corrections so our pages can move forward.

Let me be clear - here, "Corrections" do not fix mistakes. They merely ensure that each page contains a sufficient dose of Manic Energy. Sometimes our "corrections," in fact CREATE mistakes, but that's a side effect rather than a goal.

Funniest thing of the day so far? We are advertising a contest wherein the winner receives a free Mother's Day brunch at a local beanery.
Next step: Call said beanery and see if they want to donate a free brunch to our little contest.

Just so you know - I've had less than 10 hours sleep over the last two nights (baby with cold & reflux = no fun, less sleep) so patience/interest might not be at all time highs.

Still, Homeboy is spinning some Simon & Garfunkel, I've got some Zimmy going...let's try to be optimistic.

Please forward any amusing headlines about South American wines to this address.

9:45 a.m. - It's important to occasionally laugh at your own jokes. I was just reminded of having shifted my name to "Heavy Early" and tittered, oh so slightly. See the "epic" post below about the rationale for this change.

FYI - Heavy Early walked into a wall and dropped his car keys but did NOT spill coffee on himself this morning. No congrats necessary.

10:05 a.m. -
What you say about his company
Is what you say about society
Catch the mist
Catch the myth
Catch the mystery
Catch the drift
M-m-manic Energy is h-h-here.

10:25 a.m. - One pretty easy "correction." Pshaw.
It's important to love your work - even if you're an intern who isn't getting paid.
Even if you are calling 10 different people to fact check their cheesecake prices.

11:40 a.m. - Finally, something has happened. And something entertaining!
As I mentioned last month, we are in a Faustian deal that basically results in us getting free lunches (think pizza, subs) because we're supposed to say at our desks and work, work work.

Someone must be behind or something because we were just told we could actually leave our desks for HALF AN HOUR (let's not into provincial labour law minimums) to get our own lunch. Of course you don't need a degree in theoretical mathetmatics to deduce that this saves The Powers That Be some money with no real downside, so long as work is where it needs to be.

You also don't need a degree in advanced logic to deduce that since, for the last five years, we have been chained to our desks with lunch provided, no one brings lunch and since we would suddenly have to buy our own, that FREE half hour (which we legally have coming to us if we want fresh air or a smoke anyway) ain't such a bargain.

Yeah, you can tell spring is back if you close your eyes and listen to the birds chirping.
"Cheep, cheep, cheap...."

NOON - Here is an editorial lesson I just gleaned.
Do you know what a pull quote is? It's when you're reading an article and a quote is hilighted in bolder text in the middle of the page. As a quasi-journalist, I am authorized to select what I feel is a good pull-quote for a given article, subject to the whims of The Powers That Be.

I just had one changed. I was asked to instead use the last sentence in the article. Of course this sentence is a strong finish but it's also totally undermined by having it be one of the first things the reader sees.

It's a bit like running an investigative pieces on why chickens cross roads and having, in bold text in the middle of the page, "We think it's because they are attracted to the other side of the street."

"Well," you might just think, "I guess I don't need to read the rest of THAT."
And you'd be right.

The point: Not only does the end justify the means - it renders them entirely moot.

Oh, and Insano Girl is disappointed she hasn't appeared here yet (this paragraph does not count). Well, lady, give me some drama, I'll give you some ink.

12:45 p..m. - Pizza.
Gourmet toppings.
A coca cola.
Buuurrrrp.

1:30 p.m. - Nothing is happening. Really, nothing.

3:51 p.m. - The first correction! (Yeah, I know we already did corrections but just because The Powers That Be have already seen the paper, it doesn't mean it's perfect....yet).

Could an actual spasm of work lie in the near future? Time will tell.

4:26 p.m. - The answer? Nope. But soon, soon!

4:58 p.m. - Manic Energy is, um....how to be diplomatic? Let's say "otherwise engaged." And on important matters, no doubt.
In the meantime, we've downshifted from first gear back into neutral.

6:30 p.m. - I have been dismissed. I'm not sure precisely what I've accomplished today...but, man, I am bored. And tired.

Spam(s) of the Day!

2006-03-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

While I have a spare moment, allow me to clear my spam backlog.

-Romero asks the eternal question, "Ever imagine your runty" and then spins a strange story about croquet.

-This letter from delmore keeps sounding like it will make sense and then veers back into absurdity:
"Morning Teemofe,

Question, you in lose 38 pds. and best companions; the vain battles we
have been fighting with

If this is true then go visit www.uunnqo.org/c0j/. Me and Hubert both tried
it and can vouch for them. Dont' worry, nothing is required from you except
an open mind.

ever was! Good-bye, feet!' (for when she looked down at her. attitude.
Very good, my dear, very good. Come up, Bruin!.

No worries,
slavik"

-Petrick asks a question for which the obvious answer is YES, YES, YES:
"Wanna get a anatomy like G. Clooney"

-Zoe Turner's opus, "Become the man women desire" is par for the course unti she lets loose with:
"14 Turk and Tatar The Tatars had arrived, swiftly and noiselessly, and a dozen of the warriors, still mounted, were surrounding him "

Gripping!

-Nita Perdue is selling a wonderful sex aid called "The Gravetizer" but it's not as funny without the picture. Imagine a small trampoline with a whole in the middle, then imagine a world of possibility.

-Lastly, I don't know how I've gone this long without posting a vintage African bank scam. Here's a good one, in it's entirety. And, um, don't respond to it, okay?

"My Greetings to you

I am Mrs Evelyn Gafari from Libya. I am married to
Late Jamail
Gafari of blessed memory who was an oil explorer in Libya
and Kuwait for twelve years before he died in the year
2000. We were married for twelve years without a child.

My husband died after a brief illness that lasted for only
four nights Since his death I too have been battling
with both Cancer and fibroid problems. When my late
Husband was alive he deposited a substantial amount of
money in millions of dollars with a Finance Firm overseas.

Recently my doctor told me that I have only six months
to live in this world due to cancer problem. Though what
disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to
either a charity orphanage home or devoted God fearing
individual company that will utilize this money the way .I
am going to instruct herein I want this organization or
individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund
charity homes motherless homes orphanages and
widows.

Although I took this decision because I don't have any
child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives
are into radical organization
and I don't want a situation where this money will be used
in an unholy manner Hence the reasons for this bold
decision. Please pray for me to recover as your
prayers will go a long way in uplifting my spirit. I
don't need any telephone communication in this regard
because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me
always and my doctor has advised me not to speak on phone
because of my health
I don't want them to know about this development.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you further
directives on what to do and how to go about actualizing
this project I will also issue a
letter of authorization to the Finance Company authorizing
them that the said fund has being willed to you and a copy
of such authorization will be forwarded to you.

I want you to always pray for me However any delay in
your reply will give room in sourcing for an organization
or a devoted Individual for this same purpose.

Until I hear from you by email and you can as well reply to
this email address evgafi@sify com my dreams will
rest squarely on your shoulders.

Remain Blessed
Mr Evelyn Gafari"

I hate to admit it but...

2006-03-24T00:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not a horror fan.
Not even of ironic retro horror. (Sam Raimi films, to the extent they are horror, are the exception that proves the rule.)

Nonetheless, there is something about Sam Jackson fighting snakes on plane (in the aptly titled, Snakes on a Plane) that somehow seems worth watching.

You tell me...

Two Great, Totally Unrelated Stories

2006-03-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

-Finally! Someone recognizes the pouty genius that is Chloe O'Brian

-THIS POST GOT MESSED UP SO I'M RECONSTRUCTING AS BEST I CAN.
Toronto, like so many large metropoli, has HOV lanes for vehicles with at least one other passenger to use. There are amusing loopholes like, if you have a baby that counts as a passenger even though you're not helping take any cars off the road.

Anyway, yesterday a lady got busted for pretending she had a baby in the back seat. The result? A fine of $110 and three demerit points.
And these two choice quotes from OPP officer Cam Wooley:
"[The decoy's] arms were stretched out, but there weren't any hands... [it] Looked like a scarecrow ... and that Kenny character from the South Park cartoon series."
and
"We've been averaging a couple of hundred tickets each month and some of them are real rocket scientists. We've caught people driving with no insurance, no licence and on criminal warrants."

News Briefs - South Park fun

2006-03-23T22:42:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy week from start to finish so please pardon the brevity.

-Who knew that South Park was still so edgy? First, their Tom Cruise/Scientology-slapping episode got pulled from re-running, ostensibly because Cruise put the kybosh on it. (He threatened not to do publicity work for MI:3 which is produced by Paramount which is owned by Viacom who also own Comedy Central who produce South Park.)

That yielded this choice press release from Matt and Trey:
"So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun. Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

Then Isaac Hayes left the show, ostensibly because they mock religions but really because they mocked his - Scientology.

Well, thank the lord for the Internet age because you can learn about Hayes leaving and watch that banned Cruise episode here - at least for the time being.

Epic News

2006-03-23T15:37:00.000-05:00

I intend on having actual, substantive posts resuming soon.

In the meantime I hereby announce that I am changing my name from one obscure pop culture reference to another.

TJ O'Pootertoot will live on forever in our hearts but, at least for the time being, I'm going to start going by "Heavy Early."

If "Fuzzy Lobster" doesn't work out, this is high on my list of "Cool Band Names That I Can't Believe Haven't Been Taken!"

Once you're down to lame, obvious stuff like "Mogwai" and "Save Ferris!" you know you're in trouble.

If you actually know what "Heavy Early" is from, answer in the comments and win my undying admiration. It's the sort of thing that, if I told you, you'd probably go, "Oh yeah..."

Takeback

2006-03-21T20:20:00.000-05:00

I take back my earlier 20% apology to MuchMusic (a couple of posts below). And MuchMoreMusic and all other spawn.

The other night they showed Beverly Hills Cop 2 and I just saw a commercial that they are showing Training Day this week. Beyond the presence of black people and a soundtrack, I don't see what these have to do with music.

Maybe they could play a little less bullshit and a little more Ron Sexsmith, Neko Case (honourary Canuck) and Feist. Or not.

Whatever.

The News in Brief: Hell in a Handbasket

2006-03-21T20:07:00.001-05:00

Continuing in the Ashley MacIsaac vein, here are a few stories you do not need to read to "get."

-Stephen Harper is our prime minister and sometimes he is fat. And he doesn't wanna meet Brigitte Bardot in this condition.

-I'm proud to say that I saw the headline declaring "Camilla" to be the winner of some "spouse of the year" poll - and I had no idea who "Camilla" was (ie NOT Gonzo's chicken friend).

-Some Canadian guy was on The Apprentice. Then he got fired. He likes to eat bagels.

-BUSH is facing MOUNTING criticism about his PULLOUT. Really.

-Utah Jazz forward Carlos Boozer is upset Prince painted his mansion purple.

-Mike Tyson, in town for the World Cage Fighting Championships, is sorry for being so, like, violent.

-And lastly, in local news. Some kid managed to steal a fire truck and take it for a joyride. The Globe and Mail, Canada's proverbial paper of record, refers to the enterprising youth as a "hoser" in its headline.

As the article states, fire trucks don't have keys. "Instead, drivers press a number of knobs in the correct sequence." Nonetheless, this "hoser" managed to figure it out, hit the siren and hit the road while the firefighters were doing something in the local Home Depot. Stealing is wrong...but it's funny.

Ashley MacIsaac: politician

2006-03-21T20:04:00.000-05:00

There aren't any jokes to be made about this story that are not already in the article.

-Ashley MacIsaac is serious about wanting to run for the leadership of the federal Liberal party.
-He once admitted that among his sexual pleasures is urinating on young men.
-He plays a MEAN fiddle.
-And, oh, his new album came out today.

A 20% apology

2006-03-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

I stand by my declaration that MuchMusic is a pale, pale imitation of its former self. Nonetheless, at the very same time I was dissing MTV for playing Nicklecrap, Much was hitting it with the rockin' new Sam Roberts song. Nice.

MTV Canada: Shit on the Pile

2006-03-21T19:48:00.000-05:00

There are so many things about MTV Canada that are stupid or otherwise bizarre, it's hard to know where to start. Here are just a few basics.

-There used to be an MTV Canada. No one cared.

-Muchmusic's programming is 85% MTV these days anyway. Anything that once distinguished them (and made Much 10x cooler) is now history. I don't know what a 60 minute show about Donald Trump's extravagant lifestyle has to do with, say, how Arcade Fire is bustin' up the world but...maybe that's just me.

-The new MTV is more about talking than music. It's just a brand. They could have called it Nike TV if they wanted.

They launched today and as I flicked by channel 59 I saw Chad Kroeger introducing the video for Photograph. Way to get on my double-shit list, MTV.

It made me think of something a friend said back in high school. There was this girl - an ugly girl by any definition. Fat, unattractive, not really nice...and she started smoking to hang with the cool crowd. My friend shook his head, looked at the cigarette and the girl and said, "That's just more shit on the pile."

Cruel, perhaps. But apt.

Spam of the Day

2006-03-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

So hard to pick just one!

-There are currently 22 emails from "Bath.n.Bed" in my DELETED folder.

-If I'm finishing too early in bed I should:
"spleenwort domineer melville it me debutante jacm tradesman respond it parvenu fable"

-Ollie, knowing my nickname, hits me with this:
Hey Meximus,

Last night, I chatted with Dewayne and he informed me that he was wanting
to get back into shape. He said u might be interested in it also. If so,
you'll wanna see these guys at xxx.

but instead, keeps quiet. Instead of being completely honest and open with
Finny, Gene

and he was able to deliver shattering blows at Bull Run, Fredericksburg,
and. the small farms profitable, and many have been forced to sell out to
wealthy landowners or speculators. In.

-Rafella Cruz has this to say - beware, there is a cliffhanger.
But as I have never been in either direction, down or up, since I arrived, I cannot be positive whether it is exactly half way or not The Being paused, and drew from an inner pocket something resembling a flat metal box Have you a factory in this place? asked the Wizard, who had been examining the strange personage carefullyIn size it was about four inches by six, and nearly an inch in thickness What is it? asked Rob, wonderingly

-Kanisha Banks makes me an offer and then delights with some Harry Potter:
crabbe and goyle were both sitting with their mouths open like gargoyles. pansy was gazing down at malfoy as though she had never seen anything so awe-inspiring.

-And, of course, two nice random names:
Felicitous T. Shooters
Pardonable U. Temporary

It's not funny, but...

2006-03-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

This story is no doubt terrible and sad but anyone with even a shred of enjoyment for infantile humour will appreciate this Toronto Star headline.

Man, 69, charged with sex assaults in 1970s

Now go read the the article and weep to redeem yourself.

Random Thought - I miss the WB Studio Stores

2006-03-16T23:24:00.000-05:00

I used to thoroughly enjoy a visit to the local Warner Bros. Studio Store.

I have a great Marvin the Martian mug and several items of Pinky and the Brain paraphenelia.

I must have been at the location in every city I visited...New York, Vegas, Chicago, Buffalo...and they shut down. Several years ago, I know.

Some of the stuff was obviously a bit kitchy but they sold a fascinating blend of kitchy stuff and high end material like original animation cels.

I miss 'em is all. Sniffle.

How did I miss this tidbit?

2006-03-16T23:18:00.000-05:00

I was reading Rolling Stone's article on the richest rock stars 0f 2005/06 (not too exciting) and stumbled across a simple throwaway I had no clue about: Cirque du Soleil signed a deal with the Beatles to do a show set to their music.

Now I may have another reason to go to back to Vegas- it looks like it will be at a new 2,000 seat theatre at The Mirage since Siegried & Roy ain't coming back. And I'm behind on my Cirque shows as it is - haven't seen the water one or the sexy one. Maybe if they didn't charge $150 it would be easier to catch em all.

Cirquealready had 4 shows going in Vegas and while they can be a bit hit andmiss (I NEVER understand the "story" at the centre of the show), whenthey are good they are transcendent.

This Beatles thing could be Yellow Submarine, or it could be Lennon.
It's set to open in "mid-2006" so it's getting close...

Uh oh, it's magic...

2006-03-16T23:11:00.001-05:00

So The Cars are back together - kinda. They have added Todd Rundgren, but lost Ric Ocasek.

What is the point? This is a good time for a rant about bands that should JUST STOP!

Like, I'm nota Who fan but if I was, I would be embarassed. When Moon died they should have stopped. Page & Plant have lots to musical silliness to be embarassed by but time and time again they have resisted reuniting "Led Zeppelin" knowing such a thing is impossible. Ditto for the Beatles.

The Band, for all their genius, simply were not the same without Robbie Robertson.

Th eRolling Stones have shed more members than most bands even have but as long as Mick and Keith can breathe, they'll keep going.

Queen at leasthas the courtesy to say "With Paul Rogers," acknowledging that they are whoring their past to make some $$ but while recognizing that they aren't the same band without Freddy Mercury.

If it's obvious to fans what constitutes THE BAND, why can't they tell?
No Ocasek=no Cars.
That's the bottom line.
Yeesh.

Random Thought - Free Smiles

2006-03-15T16:37:00.000-05:00

Do you think that if you work at McDonald's, morons asking for a smile(because they're, like, FREE on the menu) is one of the ten worstthings about your job?

Spam of the Day

2006-03-15T10:48:00.000-05:00

The subject line says, "Someone has invited you," which inevitably raises suspicions.

then you open it up and it says:
"Someone has invited you to play bingo."

BINGO?
BINGO?
Well, whoopee-fucking do! Is that all you've got?
BINGO?
Why don't I just drop everything, quit my job and go play BINGO.

Yeesh. Talk about anti-climactic.

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back - to the Jungle, baby!

2006-03-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

Since the Scott Stapp story well has dried up - for now - we can all be thankful that the corpse that is Guns 'n' Roses is still kicking.

There is, firstly, something inherently amusing about this "Chinese Democracy" album that Axl Rose (ie Guns 'n' Roses) has been working on for about 10 years now.

Secondly, and at the risk of offending some, there is something amusing about the remaining members actually hooking up with Scott Weiland for Velvet Revolver. I think the North American music scene would be fine if all involved retired but if they're keeping kids off the streets, I guess that's okay.

So now, asked about Crazy Axl in an interview, Slash said he's always been supportive of the guy which lead to Axl emerging from his cave in Tora Bora to declare that Slash is "a consummate press, photo and media opportunist and manipulator."

On Mar. 10, Rose sued Slash over what is described in legal terms as "creative works" and the control thereof. In the process he attacked basically everyone in Velvet Revolver which meant that lead singer/heroin addict/Eddie Vedder impersonator Weiland had to respond.

You can read the whole statement here but he starts by saying, "Get in the rinGo to the gym motherfucker, or if you prefer, get a new wig motherfucker." and then adds choice quotes like:
"[Axl is a] fat, Botox-faced, wig-wearin' fuck.... [and an] unoriginal, uncreative little mind, the same mind that had to rely on its bandmates to write melodies and lyrics."

Later in the day I'll have to dig up a picture of Axl circa this century because Weiland's right there - he's one messed-up looking dude, man.

Given the cultural relevance at stake this is a bit like watching a viscious spat between the guy who played Jawarhalal on Head of the Class and, um, Joel Higgins (c'mon - he's the father from Silver Spoons!).

P.S. If you want to read REAL artists slagging each other like little children, it's still hard to beat the Tom Wolfe vs. John Irving and John Updike and Normal Mailer Bout of 2001.

Vive La France

2006-03-15T09:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I must admit, I like French-bashing as much as the next guy.
There are all sorts of reasons I need not outline here. Suffice it to say, I have no qualms with Groundkeeper Willie's description of them as "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys." But then they go and do something like this.

They give out these Knights of Arts and Letters title to just about everyone it seems, but now they are giving it to deserving folks: Video game inventors.

The result is that Nintendo employee Shigeru Miyamoto has been honoured for his work which includes creating Donkey Kong AND Legend of Zelda AND Super Mario Bros. (but not the film)!

Also honoured were a couple of boring Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys.

Dream Humour

2006-03-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

I had a peculiar dream last night.
Most of it was odd and, of course, a substantial portion of it is lost to memory.

What I do retain however is a pretty cute image.
A janitor shows up to pick some girl up for a date.
He's poor and humble so instead of flowers he has a feather duster which he holds like a bouquet. Looks a bit like Charlie Chaplin.

I dunno - I just thought that was a pretty clever image for someone to come up with while unconscious.

Random Thought - Wherefore art the Shamrock Shake?

2006-03-15T09:08:00.000-05:00

I am not one to either engage in St. Patrick's Day revelries, nor to sup beneath the Golden Arches.

Nonetheless,it did occur to me this week that an important holiday tradition has gone AWOL. Of course I am speaking of the Shamrock Shake.

Like all McDonald's shakes it was wonderfully thick and goopy but with a lively green colour and a minty bite.

I wonder where it went?
Did some Irish anti-defamation group have it shut down?

NOTE:In doing research I did come across this web site that has a petition to bring back the shake which has been gone for as long as a DECADE in some markets. Quelle horreur.

My bad

2006-03-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

Earlier in the week I posted my exciting FuzzyLobster story without a picture.
Here is the sexy beast himself.

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

2006-03-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

What exciting news!
A remake of one of the true TV classics - Welcome Back Kotter.
Thespian Ice Cube will be taking over the Kotter role
Not only that - there's going to be a feature film AND a TV series. It's the whole package.
Mind you, it's going to be directed by the guy who did The Hot Chick...well, let's try to be optimistic. Let's hope we get Three Kings Ice Cube instead of Are We There Yet Ice Cube.
Let's start wondering the big questions - who will play Barbarino?
Will Cube tell vaudville jokes to his long-suffering wife?
Who will be this generations Puerto Rican/Jew, Juan Epstein?
I can hardly wait.

Spam of the Day

2006-03-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

Some more delicious random prose today.

jien-jin offers to helo me "Maker her happy," throws in an offer and then says:
"speaker realizes his father is dead, he can start to overcome the .
traditional by emphasizing the language of Baumer?s.

l sign creator implies a higher authority that no longer involves with the
lives of the inconsequential individuals below. Wilson, an inhabitant of the
V.

igantov"

Etille asks "how big can ur unit get," also offers some product and then some information that might come in handy:
"The Count of Monte Cristo. Dumas, born July 24, 1802, wrote The Count of
Monte Cristo from 1844 to 1845, the period in which the.

novel takes place. To countless people, this novel contains the genres of
adventure, Romantic, and moralistic tale. Alexandre D. itive side. This
event does not constitute a significant change. As Holden himself says,
"It's n.

Thank you
callum"

Lastly, eleric asks the eternal question, "Wanna raise ur thing 2 - 6 "
Again, details about whay he can do for my unit and then...
"ugh the bottomless rocking chair. Later she displays physical inability
when she asks her son Robert about helping with some yard work, which
sciences. On the other hand, over the last decade it has plummeted
economically. A big factor for this massive downfall is

Chinese banking and finance. In this arrangement, Dorn argued, "the .

Talk to ya
micheil"

The cliffhanger ending is a killer.

Brad Pitt: Hunk or Horrorshow?

2006-03-13T15:27:00.000-05:00

I fear the era of Prime Pitt has passed us by.

Stretching from Thelma & Louise clear through his work with David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club) and Ocean's 11 and 12, Pitt could do no wrong (save Meet Joe Black).

On one level I know that I should try to keep my distance from the sick celebrtity culture we now have. But on another level...I must express my concerns about this whole Angeline Jolie thing. It's just weird. Isn't it?

It's not just the dumping Jennifer Aniston part.
It's more the lame screwing your leading lady thing. And then adopting Asian children and cavorting around the Third World with her thing. It's all just ... flighty.

Anyway, Fancy Pants has pointed me to this fine article that digs a bit deeper into the Pitt psyche. Using photographic and psychological explorations, there is ample evidence to suggest that, like some kind of Super Twin, Pitt somehow assumes the characteristics of the woman he is dating. Whether it's the ever-changing hair colour or shifting his posture to emulate Gwyneth Paltrow, there is some challenging stuff here. Think about it!

P.S. I just wanted to throw in these pictures of Jared Leto, having put on 60-odd pounds for his film role as the guy who killed John Lennon. (I won't write the guy's name because his whole goal was to get his name mentioned alongside Lennon's and writing that name, or, say, making a movie about him, only helps him further accomplish that goal while Lennon stays dead).
Anyway, it all ties together because if there is one person chicks love as much as pre-Angelina Brad Pitt it's one Jordan Catalano.

And because Pitt kicked his ass mightily in Fight Club. Well, actually Ed Norton did it but (SPOILER!) they're really the same guy so, whatever.

Random Thought - Comedy

2006-03-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

Most professional funny people (comedians, writers, actors) are either Canadian or Jewish.

This probably - if you ask boring sociologists - has something to with being "The Other."
Whatever.

The funniest non-Jewish, non-Canadian?
Christopher Guest. (Robin Williams in his prime, maybe. The last decade has been way too hit and miss.)

Now you know.

Annie Proulx goes nuts

2006-03-13T15:15:00.000-05:00

Annie Proulx wrote the short story upon which Brokeback Mountain is based and is apparently taking it awfuly hard that said film lost the Best Picture to Crash.

In this "essay" she wrote for the Guardian she basically lambasts everything about the Academy Awards - some of which is fair game. Unfortunately the whole thing is coloured by her over-the-top jealous rage.

Some of it can be taken as tongue-in-cheek but then she writes something like:
"And rumour has it that Lions Gate inundated the academy voters with DVD copies of Trash - excuse me - Crash a few weeks before the ballot deadline."
...and you can't help but wonder if a Pulitzer Prize winning writer couldn't be a bit cooler, or at least more mature, about the whole thing.

She ends by writing, "For those who call this little piece a Sour Grapes Rant, play it as it lays."

But it's far too late to use that cop-out. Read and revel at the insanity.

For what it's worth - I enjoyed both films but must confess that while I'm not entirely sure it's BEST PICTURE!, Crash has stayed with me more. There are twin backlashes that baffle me:
1) That Crash is a simplistic, preachy fluffy piece of nothing but liberal tripe.
2) That people who voted for Crash did so because they didn't want to reward a movie about a pair of homosexuals. In rewarding Crash and at least nominating BM, they could have their bleeding heart cake and eat it boo.

Bullshit says I, to both of the above.
Brokeback lost and if you liked it more, that's just fine. But don't give me all this anti-homosexual stuff to explain it. There is no grand conspiracy and since the Oscar votes are secret you will never know if it lost by 1 vote or 100.
Get over it.

I like Gladiator and Shakespeare in Love and can still enjoy them even though every viewing reminds me that Traffic and Saving Private Ryan , respectively, should have taken the Oscar over them. It's not the end of the world!

Time will tell and I'm sure some of the nominees (Munich comes to mind) will fare quite will with age.

Diesel Powered!

2006-03-13T15:14:00.000-05:00

I'm intrigued by this new Vin Diesel movie, Find Me Guilty, for all sorts of reasons.
First there is the very concept of Diesel in a movie directed Sidney Lumet.

Then there is the hair. Is it real? Is it a piece? Is this an acting choice comparable to Rene Zellwegger packing it on for Bridget Jones or DeNiro for Raging Bull?

Either way, I provide for your entertainment two indespensible Vin Diesel resources.
1) Crank call your friends AS Vin Diesel! Hours of fun, truly.

2) Learn random facts you simply did not know about the hunky thespian.
Samples include:
"It takes Vin Diesel 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes."
and
"Vin Diesel invented bacon completely by accident in 1794 when he attempted to play his own version of tennis with his neighbor's prize winning hog and a frying pan."

Spam of the Day

2006-03-13T09:21:00.000-05:00

A lot of ho hum spams today.
You have to dig to find a quality subject line like "flaky kong anorthic" or "exotic hothead rub."

I was worried I wouldn't even have a Spam of the Day until this one showed up:

"Are you tired of screwing hores because the normal women wont sleep with you?"

That's the subject. The body offers a solution to the (expensive) problem:
"If you use Ultr@ Allure Pherom0nes, $he‚ll l0se her m1nd just by talking to you. "

Tell me if you need the contact info.

Spam of the Day

2006-03-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

Since I'm not at work I don't have as wide an array of spam from which to select but here is today's winner:

seductìve susän (her email is tisbjdsgf@tuaignmfudg.plif you want to get in touch), says, "Lets have a SêXathon."

She then provides a web link.
Inexplicably, (the umlauts suggested German to me), she lapses into Spanish:

Usted ha dicho qu informe se pidio inmediatamente después de ser nombrada la señoraMartinez de Aguilar, cuando lo ciertormv es que la misma llevaba ya casi un

I'd like to meet her...but I hope we can breech the language barrier.

Catching Up

2006-03-08T21:21:00.000-05:00

On the off chance you are a regular reader, my apologies.
I'm not at work this week so, as you can see, no time!

Here are just some of the fascinating things going on in the world:

-Rick Mercer is auctioning off the Liberal leadership on Ebay. This is kinda funny - but only a 6.5/10 for Mercer et al. A perfect 10 would be the Stockwell/Doris Day petition.

-In a freaky upset, the Canadian team beat the Americans in this World Baseball Classic thingie. I don't really know what it is but I do know that it's cool Ernie Whitt and Buck Martinez are managing the two teams and that we kicked their asses.

-In a nearly as freaky upset, the Toronto Maple Leafs won last night over the Montreal Canadiens. The illusion of looming playoff contention thus persists. And now they've strengthened their blue line by adding Luke Richardson because, apparently...they had an extra 5th round draft pick and REALLY wanted to trade SOMETHING for SOMETHING.

-They discovered a new kind of crustacean. I know - whoopee do. But it's called Kiwa hirsuta and it looks like a fuzzy lobster. Both of these would make awesome band names -especially the latter. Don't use it - I've called it. Fuzzy Lobster will be rocking out soon.

-Teri Hatcher first came to my attention as Kiki - Sylvester Stallone's stripper sister in the very underrated classic, Tango and Cash. Then there was the Seinfeld "They're real and they're spectacular" thing and Lois & Clark. She was a fine looking woman but somewhere in the last year she's gotten a bit freaky.

Putting that aside - it's not that I don't sympathize with her plight but if I was deciding to announce to the world that my uncle sexually abused me as a child...I just wonder if a Vanity Fair cover article would be HOW I would do it. But the news is everywhere and that should ensure that they move at least as many issues as last month's two-naked-chicks-and-one-gay-guy cover and the Linday Lohan eating-disorder cover. 2006 is a banner year for journalism already.

Note: Would you believe that CTV news started talking about Hatcher (and Vanity Fair, of course!) as I was typing this? I'm sure millions of abused children are safer already.

That's enough for now.

Natalie Portman Rap

2006-03-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

Once again, the SNL Digital Short was the funniest thing on the show.

It's not quite as funny as the Chronicles of Naria rap - but it's in the same league.
Also it's a great indicator of why there's no point bleeping curse words when you can tell what they are anyway. When Natalie Portman says you can "suck my dick!" you pretty much get the message.

The Real World

2006-03-04T16:56:00.000-05:00

Today sure was an exciting Canadian news day for a Saturday!

-They finally settled the RIM/NTP lawsuit so people can (shocker) keep using their Blackberries.

-This is good - Stephen Harper ran his election campaign all about ethics, strengthening the role of the Ethics Commissioner and so forth. Now the commish is looking into HIM (for luring a former Liberal to cross the floor) and he's all pissy about it. Hypocrite politicians are nothing new but this is one twisted little story!

-The dude(s) who stole a pair of 'priceless' slippers from the Bata Shoe Museum decided to return them all mysterious-like after police publicized a picture of "parties of interest" yesterday.

-Paul McCartney went on Larry King and debated the premier of Newfoundland on the seal hunt (and got Newfoundland and PEI confused).

-Unable to sell her digs, Avril Lavigne has resorted to the old "I'm famous - NOW do you want to buy my house?" trick.

You see? Good news day.

The Scott Stapp Saga

2006-03-04T16:50:00.000-05:00

The odyssey of the Scott Stapp-Kid Rock sex tape continues it's golden goodness.

The latest is Kid Rock letting loose, calling Stapp an idiot for not keeping an eye on the tape.
There's lots of choice goodness here.

-First, the indignity of being called an "idiot" by Kid Rock.
-Secondly, the knowledge that in 1999, at least, Rock was kicking it in his motor home ( in a trailer park, I presume)
-Thirdly, the joy of Stapp thinking the tape leak is meant to destroy his career. I thought that was what his solo album was for? (Rim shot!)

And let me use this opportunity to once, again, link to the story of Scott Stapp being embarassed by the entire youth population of Gainesville while on a failed booty call.

Muppet Coolness

2006-03-04T16:46:00.000-05:00

How did I miss this before?

This web site has the Muppets - especially Waldorf and Statler - offering commentary on the movies.

This week,of course, they are commenting on the Oscars and, man, there is some funny stuff in there. Make sure you watch the bit with the envelope and the streeter with the opossum. Good to see the two vets are still getting work!

Random Thoughts - Good Tunes

2006-03-02T22:42:00.000-05:00

One perk of being a quasi-journalist is access to some great music I otherwise might not have come across.

It might not amount to a hill of beans but here are a few CDs you really should get or at least listen to. This set all happen to be in something of a sorta-alt-country vein.

Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
-Beautiful stuff that's part pop, part gospel, part Tom Petty-type rock...it's just got delicious soul. It's even got a wonderful little cover of "Handle With Care."

Skydiggers & Cash Brothers -
-Harmonies tight enough to dazzle an Everly Brother. This one is a long time coming for Toronto music fans and I have a feeling that you might like it. Yes, you.

Neko Case -Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
She's already pretty well known amongst people who care about the good kind of music that never hits the radio. Great country-flavoured pop with old-school reverb and little hints of perfect darkness. Plus she's an honourary Canadian.

Loose Fur - Born Again the USA
If you don't know, this is the second album from what is essentially a Wilco side project. Jeff Tweedy, uber-producer Jim O'Rourke and drummer Glenn Kotchke have put together something that's just great. The music and lyrics are nothing but fun and a bit tongue-in-cheek. It's poppy, it's got elements of 70s-prog rock and, well - it's just plain fun. (And it doesn't come out until March 21 which makes me moderately cool amongst those who respect that kind of thing.)

How fun are they?
Why don't you enjoy reading the press release (clicking should enlarge) or watch the video below. It's official but on YouTube rather than MTV. And it features heroes who look like a bit like the Power Rangers.

And a quick Ali G thing

2006-03-02T20:30:00.000-05:00

While I was on YouTube I remembered that they have this clip.
I didn't get Ali G at all until I saw this insanely brilliant bit with Andy Rooney. (See, Andy doesn't get that he is playing a role AT ALL).

And an awesome Borat clip too...

"Cutie Pie Buskers"

2006-03-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

This isn't earth shaking but is about 30 seconds of amusement.
Also, it's a nice little bit of localness ending up on the front page of YouTube - at least for the day.

Spam of the Day

2006-03-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

This one is mostly straightforward"

" Hope that you have seen German porn film$ or not even
Germ@n where guys with monstrous cocks fuck lots of sexy sluts.
Have you ever had an idea that you can do the same?
Advanced Gain Pro Pills is what you need to make your dream true."

So, these pills....they teach me German?
What if I've only seen Polish or Hungarian porn? Is that close enough to give me an idea of what you are talking about here?
So many questions...this is not nearly as straightforward as I first thought...

Greenish Gold

2006-03-02T09:52:00.000-05:00

Toronto is a very multicultural city and that means that if you've been around long enough, you've seen a Chinese person hoark up a wad of phlegm while walking down the street. Rack it up to cultural differences - no harm, no foul.

But Beijing is prepping for the 2008 Olympics (Which they stole from Toronto, but that's another story) and trying to clean up their act , and their sidewalks.

The City's Ethical and Cultural department is trying to get people to let loose into a bag or dustbin instead of the pavement.

"The office has organized a small army of volunteers who are hitting Beijing's streets to hand out small "spit bags" and wearing bright orange uniforms with the Chinese character for "mucous" emblazoned in yellow on the back."

Between the guys with "Snot" written on their back and that delicious throaty sound...well, it just sounds like a choice environment for the world to come together in a spirit of unity and competition and stuff. Dontcha think?

Anyway, once they have the litter and snot taken care of they are gonna start dealing with those pesky human rights issues. On the other hand, if they weren't a problem for Juan Antonio Samaranch (former IOC head and minister in the facist Franco governmment) why should they be a problem for me?

Ralph Klein - again

2006-03-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

I had no idea that Ralph Klein, Premier of Alberta, would figure soprominently in my blogging but, gosh darn it, he's just such acharacter.

This time he's in hot (well,lukewarm) water for tossing a booklet full of legislation at an innocent teenage page.

He's just that passionate about health care, folks.
And he did say sorry after.

Random Thought - Corona

2006-03-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

If you can return beer bottles for deposit, and you've had a Corona or two...how the heck do you get the lime out of there when you're done? Or does the beer store take em back anyway?

Oscar Fun

2006-03-01T18:58:00.000-05:00

Do you know which of your Oscar picks has the most curse words?

It turns out that Crash takes the prize with 182 naughty words - more than 50% of those involving the dreaded "F-Bomb."

The dirtiest Best Picture ever? Platoon with 329 curse words.

It's so great we have the people at the Family Media Guide to tell us these things.

What OTHER great things do they tell us?
Well, here are the stats on Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
F-word(248), A*s(34), A*shole(3), Balls(3), B*stard(2), B*tch(34), C*ck(8), Damn(8), D*ck(14), God Damn(1), Hell(15), Jesus(5), N*gger(2), P*ssy(3), Sh*t(87)

There is no nudity but:
A woman kisses a man on the lips. A man’s erection can be seen though his pants. A man lowers his head towards another man’s groin; implying he is going to perform oral sex. A woman touches her breasts in a sexual manner.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is in the same league but, amazingly, with only about 1/2 of the fucks!
F-word(139), A*s(28), A*shole(2), Balls(4), B*stard(8), B*tch(68), C*ck(8), C*m(1), Damn(7), D*ck(8), God Damn(5), Hell(5), P*ssy(3), Sh*t(50)

I could do this all day. It's not that I'm mocking what they're doing,r eally. It's just funny to see it written out, isn't it? Like Jay and Silent Bob beat South Park 2-0 if you're comparing "nigger"s but they are tied 3-3 on the "pussy" thing. Nice.

Where was I?
On a semi-related note, Hollywood columnist Army Archerd has scored the dope on how Hustle & Flow's "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," (which IS a catchy tune) will be performed at the Oscars.

Says Archerd:
["The song contains] 10 repeated words which would not pass network clearances. They are "fuck," "shit" and "niggaz."
Producer Gil Cates says when he informed the trio that those words would have to be changed, they immediately told him they'd alter 'em. Meanwhile, Cates said "bitch" and "ho's" are ok since they're already heard on network shows. "

Sweet!

Jimmy doesn't like Saddam aping his style

2006-03-01T18:54:00.000-05:00

There has been all sorts of wackiness - far too much to recount - in the Saddam Hussein trial to date.

Somehow it has thus far eluded me, however, that Saddam likes to refer to himself in the third person. This means that the court transcripts contain quotes like:
"So do you think I'm going to deny responsibility or rely on others? Saddam is going to take responsibility. It's a critical time and Saddam is not going to duck his responsibility."

There's nothing funny about murderous dictators...but there is something funny about that.

Margaret Atwood - is there anything she can't do?

2006-03-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

Man, oh, man.

One of our most celebrated authors has invented a robot that allows her to sign books from anywhere in the world.

D-A-M-N - that's clever, that is.

All is right in the world

2006-03-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Man - will the Olympics ever end? Something just seems so wrong!
What?
The Toronto Maple Leafs are back to losing games? Even being laughed at by the other team?

Pat Quinn is reduced to admitting, "Maybe we're not as good as we thought we were," which begs the question - they thought they were good?

Don't worry, Pat - your job is safe and we'll keep coming to the games. I was just havin' a little fun, is all!

Ralphie - You'll shoot your eye out!

2006-03-01T09:43:00.000-05:00

Oh, I do love Ralph Klein.
Even in this young blog I know I've already written about him at least once. And it's incumbent upon anyone who sits to his political left to mention - every time his name comes up - the time he drunkenly berated homeless people. Fear not, he was re-elected.

This time, however, all he's doing is challenging the structure of our national health care system (see how nicely it dovetails with the Malcom Gladwell thing I posted yesterday)?

I like everything about this, from Klein thinking it's fair to queue-jump to Tony Clement's return to cabinet form by dodging questions wherever he can. After all, it's Stephen Harper's job, not his, to backtrack on election promises before Parliament even starts sitting.

Y'know, I like Alberta just fine. They're as much a part of "my Canada" as Quebec.
Butif you took away their oil it'd be an awful lot like if you took away Saudi Arabia's oil - a little bit of luck with geology doesn't give youthe right to start acting like you own the place.

Spam of the Day

2006-03-01T09:32:00.000-05:00

Previously I have posted random words that have a poetic bent but today I got a genuine poem:

Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

That crossed me from sweet things,
The flow of - was it musk
From hidden grapevine springs
Down hill at dusk?

I had the swirl and ache
From sprays of honeysuckle
That when they re gathered shake
Dew on the knuckle.

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.

When stiff and sore and scarred
I take away my hand
From leaning on it hard
In grass and sand

The hurt is not enough:
I long for weight and strength
To feel the earth as rough
To all my length.

THEN they had to go and ruin it all by attaching a Trojan virus. What ever happened to romance??

Honourable mention goes to these guys who are clearly covering all their bases with similar - but DIFFERENT - subject lines:
"Eradicate all that you are indebted for with out mailing an other dollar"
"Abolish all that you are indebted for not even mailing an other dollar"
and, that old chestnut,
"Do away with everything you are indebted for with out sending an other cent."

Malcolm Gladwell - Smart MoFo

2006-02-28T22:03:00.000-05:00

What is there to not like about Malcolm Gladwell -a braniac with a suave haircut?

Now he's started up his own blog (copycat!!) and it has some neat stuff. Of particular interest is one of the most intelligent, intricate arguments about the US vs. Canadian health care systems AND a ballsy mea culpa from Gladwell for sticking up for them damn Americans.

It's not often you see a public figure of any kind recant something like that - it's a bit long but it really is a good read.

Paul might be losing it

2006-02-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

I love Paul McCartney - I do.
He's a bona fide genius and he really isn't any quirkier than John was. Lately, however, I'm starting to worry.

Firstly there was last month's Grammy tragedy.One of the true greats of modern music debased himself by strolling on stage - in a white suit no less, to jam out "Yesterday" with the likes of Jay-Z and (gulp) Linkin Park.

Now he's threatening to personally climb onto ice floes to stop the seal hunt in northern Canada.
Please don't, Paul.

Spam of the Day

2006-02-28T10:42:00.000-05:00

Just getting back into gear here....

I got a whole pile of Viagara ads with amusing names and/or subjects.
A chart is probably easiest.

SENDER SUBJECT
Nissa Lengyel Goluptious News
Ryota Castiglione sparr y news
Nomusa Krein coastw ise news
Kanri ??????????????
Edie Mcelrath uncr own news
Englebert Calcagni capt ive news
Mechtilde Kincer g urgitation news
Blackman goucheritinerary bitten
Atwood southland debillity decomposable

I also got something cool from KaboomOrangeGlo that promises I'll never have to scrub my toiled bowl again. Not clear if it's a cleaning product or a slave but I'll get back to you.

Art imitating life

2006-02-25T16:25:00.000-05:00

First you read some harmless headline about a failed suicide attack on a Saudi oil facility (the attack failed, not the suicide so much) - in particular, the Abqaiq oil facility

Then, of course, the stories about a spike in oil prices follows.

The crazy thing is - I was just reading this book called Sleeping With the Devil. It's basically about how we (well, the USA really) is so dependent on oil that it basically has no choice to prop up the Saudi government despite them being xenophobic, hedonistic, supporters of terrorism etc. The book, plus another (See No Evil) were both written by ex-CIA dude Robert Baer. They essentially form the basis for the film, Syriana.

So, I just finished reading the prologue to the book which is a hypothetical, but possible scenario:
A couple of guys, suicide bombers, quite easily stage an attack on the very vulnerable infrastructure of the Saudi oil industry and, in particular - the Abqaiq oil facility.

The economic impact would basically cripple the planet. A "moderate to severe attack on Abqaiq would slow average production there from 6.8 million barrels a day to roughly a million barrels for the first two months." You can watch as oil rises toward $100 and even $150 a barrel.

Environmentally, 1700ppm of hydrogen sulfide would be released into the atmosphere - that's about 85X acceptable levels in the workplace.

It's a bit weird to read a scary hypothetical and then read it in the news the next day.

Yesterday we dodged that bullet by a few 100 yards. And OPEC made a couple of bucks.

Dirty Oprah

2006-02-25T16:22:00.000-05:00

Oprah's having a banner year of glory. First she publically eviscerated James Frey in the process of exhonerating her own sweet self and now she's tackling all the big issues - like sex addiction.

Won't can't help but wonder what kind of publicity Howard Stern might get if he asked a guest "Have you ever had a man ejaculate in your face?" but when Oprah asks, it's fair game.

We can all wait and see if the FCC in the United States fines her or not but I have a feeling she might just be okay, being OPRAH and all. Besides, it's sweeps!

Spidey! Spidey! Spidey!

2006-02-24T22:43:00.000-05:00

How long can I go without joining the chorus of Internet folk posting the Spider-Man 3 poster?
Not very long at all.

The exciting part of this -if you are not nerdy enough to know - is that the photo is not black and white. Rather Spidey is wearing his black suite. That's right - the black frickin' suit, y'all.